A Sailors Life For Me.

I am the captain of a lonely ship.
No one mans my sails but me.

I look for a hearty crew to join me on my quest.
But it seems that either no one is interested, or those who are interested are put off by my other qualities.
So I shall sail alone, through rain and murky waters.

Being Captain of a ship doesn't mean much when you're the only crew member.

Going from port to port, looking for people to join..

I've always found a little bit of pleasure in being alone though.
Relying on myself to save myself.

The water isn't always so bad either, sometimes it's nice to take a swim.
And I may meet some people along the way, Captains of other ships.
Become friends with them and their crew.

But I must never forget that I am alone.

Destination seemingly unreachable without a crew.

But most likely, once I get there, I'll miss sailing.

The best part about reaching the destination is usually the trip you take to get there.
Winning, losing, Sailing high, making stops along the way..

Perhaps it is better to give up the idea of reaching a destination and just sail.

There's plenty of fish in the sea.
Who needs to stop when one can live off the sea as one would live off the land?

Captain of No One.
Hero of myself.
Big fish in a little pond.


--------

My body, a vessel.
This life, the waters.
My mind and soul, the Captain.

I sail these seas and visit places secretly.
Secrecy, hard to imagine a huge ship, with enormous sails, being able to secretly travel about.

Aye, I smell the scent of a mutiny. Perhaps it shall work in my favor.
So I work, in secret, to aid those who would sabotage their captain, for their gain, and yet my own.

I am the Captain, I wear a nice hat.
I control the wheel.

Perhaps once this mutiny is over, I shall have a new crew to assist me in manning my sails.

If not, oh well, at least I helped a few troubled souls along my way.

They call me crazy, for being at sea without a map.
I learned my way around these waters.
Through mistakes.
Through advice.

My Ship, the S.S. Avalon...
Aye, I did work hard for her, and I will have more work to go.
Hopefully I will have my own locker soon..

Perhaps it will be a locker that I will share.

Victory, Triumphs? Hah!

I relapsed today.

A day that I should be happy, and I feel sad.

my friend managed a breakthrough in her relationship and is expecting high amounts of change.

she has also told me about how irresistible I am.
And that she told her man that she has contemplated rooming with me.

I should be happy if not for the first reason then for the second two.

But it appears as if my friendly little courting run, has come to an end.
As I sit here, in my pitiful existence, wondering what could possibly be wrong, that nearly a week ago I was beaming with confidence, happy, and couldn't remember the last time I viewed pornography, and even cooled off on masturbation.

a wreck

I am going to smoke a cigarette and try to keep myself from doing anymore damage.

I told my friend that I was rooting for them to break up, because it didn't seem like he was going to change and that all he could do was hurt them and hurt them, and hurt the family.

but I saw him today, and he seemed cheery almost.
it was peculiar.

I found out I was right on some theories I had about him.
maybe once things settle down, if I don't make it in the computer industry, I could become a relationship counselor.

I feel dangerous.
I feel like raising trouble.

When I was a young boy
Growing up in the ghetto
Hanging out on corners
Singin' with the fellas
Lookin' for the cute chicks
Trying to find a bit of fun
Looking for some trouble
From anyone who'll give me some

I was young and crazy
In the ghetto
Didn't know what my life would be
In the ghetto
I was dumb and oh so lazy
In the ghetto
Something had a spell on me
In the ghetto

You wanna know what I'm talkin' bout?
Talkin' 'bout ghetto life
Ghetto Liiiiiiiiiiiife
You wanna know what I'm singin' 'bout?
Talkin' 'bout ghetto life
Ghetto Liiiiiiiiiiiife

When I was a young man
Kind of free and fancy
Met this little cute girl
She said her name was Nancy
She had pigtails to her shoulders
She couldn't have been much older
She taught me what I had to know
To make a girl not want to go

She was very kinky
In the ghetto
She laid her pigtails down on me
In the ghetto
And I was feeling oh so sneaky
In the ghetto
I had to see what love could be
In the ghetto

I knew it all along
That my game was strong
But I was wrong that time
I knew I had to pray
And give myself away
Did you think I was man enough?
Yeah
Did you think I was smart enough?
Yeah
Did you think I was strong enough?
Yeah
Did you think I'd work it out?


So I'm going to ease up a little bit, I suppose.
I'm too charming and romantic.
And even though I might get something that would be fun, I would not get the love and relationship I would want.

So it's a lost cause.
Who needs 5 kids running around anyway?

Yeah, that's what I'll do, make jokes about it.
that'll put the fire out
that'll solve everything

despite offending

I care deeply for my friend and her family.
And she cares for me, she's been a reader of my blog for a long time.
She's helped me through a lot of tough times, behind the scenes.

But she loves a Dustin who is me.
And only likes the me who is me.

So tomorrow, after I drop my kids off at the day care, I'm going to pick up my friend brendan and we are going to go looking around.
Friday, my band is having a Dance Dance Revolution stomp out at Castles And Coasters.

Going to rock out with our cocks out.

ok, maybe not.

Brendan has been upset, because the band hardly practices.
He really wants us to make something of ourselves.
I'm happy just to have a day to go and make an ass out of myself and let out some of my creativity.

It seems I've bottled so much of it over the past years.


my job is going extremely well
I was the call champion last month, I took in the most calls of the whole center, over 1k
Also, I won an award that entitles me to free lunch
and I'm getting a $165 bonus at the end of this month.

I enjoy driving my new toyota.


I can't stop thinking about my friend, I wish she was mine.

It seems to people my age, I'm too weird, too clingy, because I don't want to just date and goof off.
I have my children to think about.

I want to be with someone who knows about children, is good with them, and much more.

my friend is brilliant

smoke time.

Things I shouldn't be doing with people I shouldn't be doing them with.

I have grown close to my friend, and I am excited.

I know it's been a while since I've discussed the porn issue, mostly because I can't remember the last time I viewed pornography with intent.

I have seen it now and then recently, not intentionally, but I'd go to a friends house and they'd having something up, and I'd just ignore it.

I haven't felt upset for a long time now.

It seems this closeness with my friend is helping me keep an upbeat mood.
Just to be clear, we're not having sex or anything, because I know that with a certain amount of secrecy, it always sounds like it's the worst thing possible.
We've just been sharing our thoughts and ideas, a more kind of mental intimacy over physical.

I've been very happy the past few weeks.

At my work, I was nominated for the PBN award, when I told another one of my friends (adam, the drummer in my band) about it he said "You were nominated for the Pretty Bad Nigga award?"
to which I replied "Well, I am a pretty bad nigga."
and he said "No, you didn't win it."

So when I won it, I called him up and said "Guess who's a pretty bad nigga?"

Anyway, Things have just been rocking for me.
Work is going great,
My relationships are going great,
My band is going well,
I have a reliable vehicle,
and I'm saving up to move out.

Although, I do have one sour thing to report.
On Christmas morning, my ex called me, asking for money.
When I hung up on her (Christ, merry christmas to you too!), she got super pissed, but who wants to talk to someone who's all downer on Christmas?
It's freakin' Christmas, for the sake of Christ, cheer the fuck up!

Recent Developments

I traded in both the Honda and the Nissan for a Toyota Avalon.

It's a little older than the Nissan but younger than the Honda.
It's big, like an Impala.

When I practiced for getting my license, I used my Dads Impala (he ended up trading it in for a Saturn Ion), so I'm a little used to driving a bigger car (the Honda was the smallest of the five cars mentioned so far, and I really liked driving a small car).

I had to spend some cash on it though, so I'm a little low this week. I'll be able to survive but being the week before Christmas, there's still some things I want to get.

Anyway, yeah, to address a comment by one of my wonderful readers:
Yes, she's afraid too. I no longer am so afraid, not even sure what it was I was afraid of.
What is she afraid of? is that the next question? Well, to be honest it's not my place to say. She's going through a lot right now.

Anyway, things are going well for me.

Hints.

I miss my friend.

Felt so close the last time we held each other.

I was afraid.

What's Going On.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Couple of weeks ago my Nissan broke down, needs the clutch replaced.

We used my Uncles Triple A to get it towed, they give the first five miles free and charge for every mile thereafter about $5.

My Uncle thought the shop he had it worked on was on 19th Ave and Glendale, so we got to 19th ave and Glendale and low and behold it was not there but at 19th Ave and Bethany Home.

I forget the name of the place, but they were absolutely outrageous with prices, they wanted $1200!!

I spoke with one of my friends who spoke with her dad who is also a mechanic, and a job like that should cost no more than $600.

Anyway, right now the Nissan is sitting outside of my Grandparents house, waiting to be worked on.

But here's the good news, the police recovered my old honda.
We picked it up from the tow yard, and we were fortunate that it was able to run!
The bumper was removed, and they stole the speakers, whoever stole it had to leave it in a hurry because they left their lunch and a lighter on the seat. I'm guessing someone got into a car accident with it and then ran.

I'm hoping to sell the vehicle on craigslist.

Anyway, I'm fairly ticked off with my family over the whole Nissan thing. My Grandmother wanted to lend me money with interest to get it fixed.
I can't afford that!

Hopefully with the sale of my Honda I will be able to pay for the repairs on the Nissan and help myself get into an apartment and purchase myself some much needed furniture and kitchen utensils.

and groceries.

Wark:

Today, I sent in my tips and tricks for a better talk time and work time to the rest of my team. my supervisor and I worked on it, and I feel really good about it. I feel like I'm making a difference and that a lot of people are going to benefit from it.

I can't help but feel a little proud though, because this is my first tech job, I have very little professional experience. Although I was trained for this job, I still have limited phone experience.

I have to do my best to keep from getting a big head.


Other Fronts:

My boys are just as cute as ever, Xachary walks and Gabriel talks, they're just the cutest little boys ever. I love them and I miss them. Once I have myself a vehicle I'm going to get myself some printouts of pictures to hang up on my walls at work.

Melissa and I are amicable, which was what I was aiming for really. I don't want to be super best pals and I don't want to be enemies. It's kind of difficult for me to talk to her, because I don't want to tell her some stuff. Mostly because I don't really know who she is anymore and I'm not too interested in getting to know.

I've been talking to someone I really like, and from what I gather she really likes me too. But she thinks that I may just be confused and crushing on her. I don't know though, because I have some really good reasons for liking her, and it wasn't so much of a decision to like her as it was 'I'm starting to feel this way: why?' Perhaps there is a little bit of confusion, but I'd like to know who doesn't like someone and isn't confused by them, at least a little bit. But I'll try not to talk too much on this subject, you never know who may be reading.

Well, that's all I can feel I can talk about now. I miss someone.

Why does everything seem so overwhelming?

Hello Blog,
It's been a while.
I'm sorry I don't talk to you as much as I used to. I find myself being very busy with all the trouble that's going on. Or just being lazy with new games.

For a long time, I was being a good friend, with one of my friends. Until one time, when she made a joke that I didn't at first realize was a joke.

It made me think.

Think about how much of a waste it's all been.

My friend thinks my ex and I will get back together in the Spring.

I'm so torn on whether or not I'd want to go back.
I miss her, I'm lonely, I want my children to be happy, to live in a clean home, a happy home.

Melissa has been extra friendly to me recently. Which is something I don't quite understand. I figured she'd just want to be amicable, instead of 'how's it going buddy?'

Because I still hurt so much, I push her away. I don't want to hurt anymore.
I'm cold because I love her.

I'm tired of feeling this way, I think part of the reason why I want to be back with her, is so that I can avoid moving out and being on my own.

Misery loves company, and I feel miserable.


I don't even feel like I can talk to her about this. Or anyone really.

Apparently I really pissed off and insulted my friend, by sharing some of my feelings with her. I'm sorry for it.

She told me that perhaps she should distance herself from me, because of some things on her end. Which makes me sad, because she's my friend. I have so few of those.

Anyone else feel like a big ball of disappointment?

Anyway, I got myself a new car, a 1998 Nissan Sentra. It's a gas hog (20 mpg..), but it's wheels. It's a manual transmission too, so I've had the pleasure of learning how to use it.

Today, I picked up my boys and took my mom out, we all had a great time. My boys hadn't seen their grandmother in a while, so they were a little confused, but by the end of the night, they were best pals.

Work is going well. I have really good stats.
I'm still concerned about being late, they're really tough on that. last week I was late coming back from breaks twice in one day, by only a minute.

What a pain!!

Anyway, my supervisor wants me to start teaching other people on how to do their job. So that's pretty cool.

Well, I feel like I've run out of things to talk about.

a few songs I enjoy as of late:

Hurt - Falls Apart

We finish and wish we could start again
Our skin tears away as our memories fade with age
And we don't even know 'til its gone...
But everything just fell apart
'Cause everything just falls apart for me


Queens Of The Stone age - Go With The Flow

She said "i'll throw myself away,
They're just photos after all"
I can't make you hang around.
I can't wash you off my skin.

Falling in and out of love
Something sweet to throw away.
I want something good to die for
To make it beautiful to live.
I want a new mistake,



I like to listen to some sounds that reckon with the pain in me.