Since my last post, we've fought again. I took sometime for a walk outside, to smoke a cigarillo and call a friend.
I talked to my friend, and she told me some interesting stuff. She told me that she didn't think that I did anything wrong. Just that there was a lack of communication last night.
anyway, after we talked, I came back inside and we both apologized for being overzealous.
But during my talks with my friend, I found out some more interesting stuff, that I have yet to bring up. But I will discuss it with her later, as she has her sister and her sisters boyfriend over now. They're playing Mario Party 8 as I type this.
Anyway, I do feel sorry for being overzealous but I really need to discuss these other things with her.
She told me she loves me, and I told her I love her.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Drunken Whores
Good Afternoon party people,
On my way to the car, I called one last time. I received no answer. So I got in, and started driving out. She called me just as I pulled out of the driveway, so I picked up, she told me she was fine and I went back inside.
We talked, she told me that she felt like I was being a controlling insecure bastard. I don't think I'm being unfair about this, I wanted the address before I had to try to talk to a drunk person and get it, so I text messaged her. When I got nervous I called and I didn't get a response. Finally after my second call I got a response and I went back inside.
Anyway, she says that I'm wrong for doing the things that I did. I think she's wrong for not telling me A.) That she was waiting for another person to start the party, who didn't show up until 12.
B.) That she was fine in the first place. C.) She shouldn't have insinuated that I was the false party for calling when I felt nervous like she said I should.
Today, she told me that the next time she goes out, she's not going to tell me where it is, who it's with, and she's not taking her cell phone. I told her that I don't have a problem anymore.
I don't. I am no longer with her.
We're broken up.
On my way to the car, I called one last time. I received no answer. So I got in, and started driving out. She called me just as I pulled out of the driveway, so I picked up, she told me she was fine and I went back inside.
We talked, she told me that she felt like I was being a controlling insecure bastard. I don't think I'm being unfair about this, I wanted the address before I had to try to talk to a drunk person and get it, so I text messaged her. When I got nervous I called and I didn't get a response. Finally after my second call I got a response and I went back inside.
Anyway, she says that I'm wrong for doing the things that I did. I think she's wrong for not telling me A.) That she was waiting for another person to start the party, who didn't show up until 12.
B.) That she was fine in the first place. C.) She shouldn't have insinuated that I was the false party for calling when I felt nervous like she said I should.
Today, she told me that the next time she goes out, she's not going to tell me where it is, who it's with, and she's not taking her cell phone. I told her that I don't have a problem anymore.
I don't. I am no longer with her.
We're broken up.
What The Hell?
Okay, so today, was a fairly good day, despite Melissa calling in sick. I went to bookmans, traded in some crap I didn't want and got 18 bucks in return, pretty good, huh?
Went to Shogun Express and Hollywood video, ate some chicken teriyaki, and rented Mario Party 8. Mario party, of course, sucks.
But not so bad, because it was a free rental. (the lady who rented it to me, had a funny little story about a person who returned the game, frustrated that it only worked on a Wii console and not an Xbox 360).
Anyway, Melissa had apparently made some plans to see some friends. I'm cool with that, she can see her friends. I asked her, if she could be home by midnight, seeing as she was able to go sooner than she originally planned (because she called into work sick). She said sure.
Anyway, she told me that I could call at anytime if I got nervous, and I was cool with that too. Anyway, when she got there, I text messaged her, what the address was where she'd be at, just incase I needed to pick her up. She gave it to me, I haven't checked it, because I trust her.
Anyway, she's out and I'm at home watching the kids.
I asked her if she'd be home by 12 like she said, and she said that she didn't know. I asked her if there was a time I could expect her home by, or if I should just go to sleep. She said that I should probably just go to sleep.
Anyway, I called at about 1:10am to check and see if she was alright, this is being a good 3 hours into her party time with her friends. No response.
It's about 1:40am as I type this, and I'm a little worried. I'm going to call again, and if I don't get an answer, I'm going to drive down there.
Well, anyway, she has bought alcohol for these kids (underage) and I am very worried. This is a big test on me right now. I have a very large urge to look at pornography, or masturbate. To help my mental state.
Now normally, this isn't something to be worried about, but given my situation it's very, very tough. Because I don't want to do that. I also want to be a trusting boyfriend, but I don't want to be a flat-out idiot.
Anyway, I thought I'd blog about this, because it'd help me get through it, but I'm just more nervous. So I'm going to finish this up, and go. See you!
Went to Shogun Express and Hollywood video, ate some chicken teriyaki, and rented Mario Party 8. Mario party, of course, sucks.
But not so bad, because it was a free rental. (the lady who rented it to me, had a funny little story about a person who returned the game, frustrated that it only worked on a Wii console and not an Xbox 360).
Anyway, Melissa had apparently made some plans to see some friends. I'm cool with that, she can see her friends. I asked her, if she could be home by midnight, seeing as she was able to go sooner than she originally planned (because she called into work sick). She said sure.
Anyway, she told me that I could call at anytime if I got nervous, and I was cool with that too. Anyway, when she got there, I text messaged her, what the address was where she'd be at, just incase I needed to pick her up. She gave it to me, I haven't checked it, because I trust her.
Anyway, she's out and I'm at home watching the kids.
I asked her if she'd be home by 12 like she said, and she said that she didn't know. I asked her if there was a time I could expect her home by, or if I should just go to sleep. She said that I should probably just go to sleep.
Anyway, I called at about 1:10am to check and see if she was alright, this is being a good 3 hours into her party time with her friends. No response.
It's about 1:40am as I type this, and I'm a little worried. I'm going to call again, and if I don't get an answer, I'm going to drive down there.
Well, anyway, she has bought alcohol for these kids (underage) and I am very worried. This is a big test on me right now. I have a very large urge to look at pornography, or masturbate. To help my mental state.
Now normally, this isn't something to be worried about, but given my situation it's very, very tough. Because I don't want to do that. I also want to be a trusting boyfriend, but I don't want to be a flat-out idiot.
Anyway, I thought I'd blog about this, because it'd help me get through it, but I'm just more nervous. So I'm going to finish this up, and go. See you!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Non-Inflammatory Note On Gun Control
For some reason, my mind keeps going over this particular topic.
Automatic weapons were outlawed for the reasoning that a hunter does not need that much firepower and that the majority of people who would use said weapon would use it against police force. Now I do admit that this is a very serious subject, and that criminals should not have access to automatic weapons to use against our police force.
But I think about why we have the right to bear arms in the first place, it's for people to defend themselves incase of a revolt or incase of an invasion. I admit that there are many fine rifles and handguns available to the public, but in the situation between perhaps an M16 versus a .45 Ruger or a 30.06, I'm afraid that the M16 would surpass both weapons considerably well.
So if there were to be a revolution against the U.S. Government, it would be squashed, quite easily because of the armed soldiers being equipped with said M16. However the only reason there would be a revolt against the U.S. Government is if perhaps there was someone doing something unconstitutional without a check or a kind of balance against it. But the reason for the revolution would have better be a very good one.
In this situation, I think it'd be much better for the public to have access to automatic weapons. Granted that there would likely to be branches of the military that would have difficulty keeping their own troops in-line giving that it would be a very good reason for revolt, but it does seem quite unfair.
I feel that automatic weapons should be available to the public, but with extreme guards in place to keep people who might use them for crime to get them.
Automatic weapons were outlawed for the reasoning that a hunter does not need that much firepower and that the majority of people who would use said weapon would use it against police force. Now I do admit that this is a very serious subject, and that criminals should not have access to automatic weapons to use against our police force.
But I think about why we have the right to bear arms in the first place, it's for people to defend themselves incase of a revolt or incase of an invasion. I admit that there are many fine rifles and handguns available to the public, but in the situation between perhaps an M16 versus a .45 Ruger or a 30.06, I'm afraid that the M16 would surpass both weapons considerably well.
So if there were to be a revolution against the U.S. Government, it would be squashed, quite easily because of the armed soldiers being equipped with said M16. However the only reason there would be a revolt against the U.S. Government is if perhaps there was someone doing something unconstitutional without a check or a kind of balance against it. But the reason for the revolution would have better be a very good one.
In this situation, I think it'd be much better for the public to have access to automatic weapons. Granted that there would likely to be branches of the military that would have difficulty keeping their own troops in-line giving that it would be a very good reason for revolt, but it does seem quite unfair.
I feel that automatic weapons should be available to the public, but with extreme guards in place to keep people who might use them for crime to get them.
I've Moved Back
So I've finally moved back in to my apartment. Things are going great. I haven't looked at pornography in a long time. Not since April 27th-ish.
I've been reading my books, and I have come across a quote that I'd like to share with you.
"Real life is response to the best within us. To be alive only to appetite, pleasure, pride, money-making, and not to goodness and kindness, purity, and love, poetry, music, flowers, stars, God and eternal hopes, is to deprive oneself of the real joy of living."
they go on to cite some beliefs of those who affirm their own worth and send value to others.
* All persons, including self, are of infinite worth.
* Behavior, for the most part, is learned.
* Misbehavior is almost always a symptom of some other problem. (e.g., pornography is an escape from emotional frustration or lonliness)
*Behavior is almost invariable belief linked.
The main particular reason I am sharing these passages, is because I myself have been sending these messages to people online, in the myspace forums.
I have met a person who, my words have meant a great deal to. He is struggling with his own problems (Pornography, is not one of which), but these rules are general rules and do not deal only to pornography addicts. I believe that there are many people who live their lives day to day, acting only on how they've been treated instead of deciding their own actions.
Through the things that I've done, I've learned to decide what I will do when I am faced with a difficult situation. Instead of just letting my feelings rule the day.
I've also decided that this would be a great forum for me to post my own thoughts on other issues. But I will go off on those issues later.
anyway, since I've been home, things feel a lot different. I've been acting a lot different than I used to. I'd like to see myself as a different person now. But I know that I am the same old Ian, if I want to be. I just choose not to let my feelings control my life, like I used to.
The other night, Melissa tells me that she had been considering dating again before I moved back into my apartment. I would have considered it highly offensive. Despite that she has the right to do it, we've been hoping on getting back together. I used to spend 3-4 nights a week back here before I finally moved. So to me, it's felt like we only took some time apart to better ourselves, not to search for another. Anyway, she said that she isn't going to do it. But I know her, and I know she might think about it later going 'What if I hadn't gone back with Ian?'
I love her so much.
Anyway, I'm breaking her trust right now, because I told her I wouldn't go on the computer, but after reading my book, I really felt like I needed to make a blog entry before I went to bed.
Today I've received the most in tips that I've ever gotten. I got roughly about 80 bucks, but I spent about $16 on pizzas to bring home for my family. And 18 of that went to my paycheck because it was a credit/debit transaction.
I've decided that I'm going to ask her to ask me more invasive questions about my habits. I want her to ask me not just, 'Did you look at porn today?' but 'Did you think about looking? What caused that thought? When you felt like looking, what else was going on? Have you fantasized about sex?' and some more that I can't think of right now.
Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better now. I'm feeling more confident and stronger. I know that I'm going to kick this awful habit.
I've been reading my books, and I have come across a quote that I'd like to share with you.
"Real life is response to the best within us. To be alive only to appetite, pleasure, pride, money-making, and not to goodness and kindness, purity, and love, poetry, music, flowers, stars, God and eternal hopes, is to deprive oneself of the real joy of living."
they go on to cite some beliefs of those who affirm their own worth and send value to others.
* All persons, including self, are of infinite worth.
* Behavior, for the most part, is learned.
* Misbehavior is almost always a symptom of some other problem. (e.g., pornography is an escape from emotional frustration or lonliness)
*Behavior is almost invariable belief linked.
The main particular reason I am sharing these passages, is because I myself have been sending these messages to people online, in the myspace forums.
I have met a person who, my words have meant a great deal to. He is struggling with his own problems (Pornography, is not one of which), but these rules are general rules and do not deal only to pornography addicts. I believe that there are many people who live their lives day to day, acting only on how they've been treated instead of deciding their own actions.
Through the things that I've done, I've learned to decide what I will do when I am faced with a difficult situation. Instead of just letting my feelings rule the day.
I've also decided that this would be a great forum for me to post my own thoughts on other issues. But I will go off on those issues later.
anyway, since I've been home, things feel a lot different. I've been acting a lot different than I used to. I'd like to see myself as a different person now. But I know that I am the same old Ian, if I want to be. I just choose not to let my feelings control my life, like I used to.
The other night, Melissa tells me that she had been considering dating again before I moved back into my apartment. I would have considered it highly offensive. Despite that she has the right to do it, we've been hoping on getting back together. I used to spend 3-4 nights a week back here before I finally moved. So to me, it's felt like we only took some time apart to better ourselves, not to search for another. Anyway, she said that she isn't going to do it. But I know her, and I know she might think about it later going 'What if I hadn't gone back with Ian?'
I love her so much.
Anyway, I'm breaking her trust right now, because I told her I wouldn't go on the computer, but after reading my book, I really felt like I needed to make a blog entry before I went to bed.
Today I've received the most in tips that I've ever gotten. I got roughly about 80 bucks, but I spent about $16 on pizzas to bring home for my family. And 18 of that went to my paycheck because it was a credit/debit transaction.
I've decided that I'm going to ask her to ask me more invasive questions about my habits. I want her to ask me not just, 'Did you look at porn today?' but 'Did you think about looking? What caused that thought? When you felt like looking, what else was going on? Have you fantasized about sex?' and some more that I can't think of right now.
Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better now. I'm feeling more confident and stronger. I know that I'm going to kick this awful habit.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Update
Alright, so for the bank job, I was turned down at one location, but I still have a chance at another location. I'm going to give them a call tomorrow. Also tomorrow I have a job interview over the phone, with AMEX about a Fraud Analyst position.
It's second shift (from 4pm to 1:30 am) and it pays a base of $11.50 an hour. I'd just need to find another job I could work before I go to work there. It'd be kind of hard, but I'm willing to work it out.
It's been getting tough, the other day I got really close to looking at pornography. I was looking at some pictures of people doing cosplay and I realized that if I keep on going, I'm going to start looking at pornography. So I stopped.
I stopped.
Anyway, I've been spending just about every night over at my own apartment, which is kind of funny. I think I'm about to move all my stuff back into my apartment anyway, because I turned in the rent today (obviously, I didn't earn it) and on the receipt I was the main holder of the apartment.
But I really want to get another job before I go back.
Anyway, I can't think of anything else to post, so I'll end it here.
It's second shift (from 4pm to 1:30 am) and it pays a base of $11.50 an hour. I'd just need to find another job I could work before I go to work there. It'd be kind of hard, but I'm willing to work it out.
It's been getting tough, the other day I got really close to looking at pornography. I was looking at some pictures of people doing cosplay and I realized that if I keep on going, I'm going to start looking at pornography. So I stopped.
I stopped.
Anyway, I've been spending just about every night over at my own apartment, which is kind of funny. I think I'm about to move all my stuff back into my apartment anyway, because I turned in the rent today (obviously, I didn't earn it) and on the receipt I was the main holder of the apartment.
But I really want to get another job before I go back.
Anyway, I can't think of anything else to post, so I'll end it here.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
The Difference
The problem, about being addicted to pornography at a young age,
is determining the difference between a withdrawal symptom and feeling horny as a 20 year old should.
I'm interested in being sexually excited however I am conflicted with not wanting to look at porn. I think maybe I'm going to walk away from my computer and eat some chips or something. If I still have this urge later on, perhaps I'll satisfy it with non-pornographic sexual activities. Anyway, I have been feeling close to having a relapse recently. But I must not relent. I must stay firm in my beliefs and actions.
is determining the difference between a withdrawal symptom and feeling horny as a 20 year old should.
I'm interested in being sexually excited however I am conflicted with not wanting to look at porn. I think maybe I'm going to walk away from my computer and eat some chips or something. If I still have this urge later on, perhaps I'll satisfy it with non-pornographic sexual activities. Anyway, I have been feeling close to having a relapse recently. But I must not relent. I must stay firm in my beliefs and actions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
