Why does everything seem so overwhelming?

Hello Blog,
It's been a while.
I'm sorry I don't talk to you as much as I used to. I find myself being very busy with all the trouble that's going on. Or just being lazy with new games.

For a long time, I was being a good friend, with one of my friends. Until one time, when she made a joke that I didn't at first realize was a joke.

It made me think.

Think about how much of a waste it's all been.

My friend thinks my ex and I will get back together in the Spring.

I'm so torn on whether or not I'd want to go back.
I miss her, I'm lonely, I want my children to be happy, to live in a clean home, a happy home.

Melissa has been extra friendly to me recently. Which is something I don't quite understand. I figured she'd just want to be amicable, instead of 'how's it going buddy?'

Because I still hurt so much, I push her away. I don't want to hurt anymore.
I'm cold because I love her.

I'm tired of feeling this way, I think part of the reason why I want to be back with her, is so that I can avoid moving out and being on my own.

Misery loves company, and I feel miserable.


I don't even feel like I can talk to her about this. Or anyone really.

Apparently I really pissed off and insulted my friend, by sharing some of my feelings with her. I'm sorry for it.

She told me that perhaps she should distance herself from me, because of some things on her end. Which makes me sad, because she's my friend. I have so few of those.

Anyone else feel like a big ball of disappointment?

Anyway, I got myself a new car, a 1998 Nissan Sentra. It's a gas hog (20 mpg..), but it's wheels. It's a manual transmission too, so I've had the pleasure of learning how to use it.

Today, I picked up my boys and took my mom out, we all had a great time. My boys hadn't seen their grandmother in a while, so they were a little confused, but by the end of the night, they were best pals.

Work is going well. I have really good stats.
I'm still concerned about being late, they're really tough on that. last week I was late coming back from breaks twice in one day, by only a minute.

What a pain!!

Anyway, my supervisor wants me to start teaching other people on how to do their job. So that's pretty cool.

Well, I feel like I've run out of things to talk about.

a few songs I enjoy as of late:

Hurt - Falls Apart

We finish and wish we could start again
Our skin tears away as our memories fade with age
And we don't even know 'til its gone...
But everything just fell apart
'Cause everything just falls apart for me


Queens Of The Stone age - Go With The Flow

She said "i'll throw myself away,
They're just photos after all"
I can't make you hang around.
I can't wash you off my skin.

Falling in and out of love
Something sweet to throw away.
I want something good to die for
To make it beautiful to live.
I want a new mistake,



I like to listen to some sounds that reckon with the pain in me.

Working Towards A New Start

Well, I've heard no word from the police so I've resigned myself to save up money for a new car, within the next two weeks, I should have enough money to get one.

Just last night, I got my own individual phone line, and sent Melissa along with her own phone lines.

I've started up a band and we're having a lot of fun making songs, but since I can't play an instrument, I've been learning to play bass. It's supposed to be fairly easy to learn. I used to be able to play the guitar fairly well, so I should have a very easy time learning to play bass.

Emotionally though, I'm having a very difficult time. I still love her so much. Even though she hurt me so badly.

I can't stand it at all.

I've continued going to counseling, and I think it's helping. I know I really enjoy going.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I want my heart to fly again, to sing about the joys of a new love.

Whenever I masturbate, I can't help but think about the last time I had sex. It's completely normal, yes. But also painful.

To think of love lost.

It has been difficult, I won't lie.
To keep from viewing pornography, in the hopes of keeping images of her out.
But as I continue to separate myself from her, I think it will get easier.

I think I'm beginning to get a crush on Christina.
Not a good thing, as she's a friend of a friend, she has a boyfriend, and she's not very faithful to the people she's with.

So take these broken wings, and learn to fly again, learn to love so free.
And when we hear, the angels sing, the book of love will open up and let us in.


Anyway, other than that, things have been ok. The boys are so wonderful. I miss them.

Not having a car has made it difficult to see them.
Anyway, my band and I play mostly funny songs. Original content though. Which is good. I think it's better to play badly and write your own content than to play well and rip everyone off.

My Car Was Stolen

Yeah, it's gone.
I woke up Friday morning, went out to go to work, and it wasn't there.

I called the police, and filed a report.
Still no word on my car.

Today, I'm throwing a party for Xachary.

He turned 1 year old on the Ninth.

Originally, we wanted the whole family to be there, but Melissa is apparently too sick and so is Gabriel, but I think they may go anyway.

Zippo Lighter Trick

I think this is really cool.

My Life as I live it

Things have been changing.
I'm to my schedule at work (7-330). I've been hanging out with friends. I'm looking for a new place to live.

Last Friday, I was hoping to hangout with a friend of mine, Alice, but at the last minute she had to cancel.

So I decided I'd call Max, and see what he was upto.
He wanted to go get coffee and it sounded like a good idea to me so we went to Starbucks and met up with Megan.

I got a phone call from Jennifer, and I asked her if she wanted to hang out too. So Heather and Jennifer both came to Starbucks as well.

If you're curious as to who they are, I met Heather and Jennifer a week before, although I knew Jennifer on myspace. We saw Resdent Evil: Apocalypse (it was enjoyable, but unintentionally funny), met some friends of mine at a supposed party, and went back to their place to play guitar hero, until the wee hours of the morning.

Anyway, from Starbucks, Max, Megan, Heather, Jennifer, and myself continued to Dennys where I proceeded to drink more coffee than I should have. Megan left, and then the four of us decided to head back to Jennifers place, to drink, watch movies, play games, and have fun.

we mostly just played kaboom, a fun little drinking game where you flick a quarter with one hand, drink a beer with that same hand, then pick up the quarter before it stops spinning. Every time you finish a beer you get a 'kaboom' which you can use to stop someone elses quarter from spinning, and force them to drink.
We also saw a movie called the Re-penetrator. A zombie pornography, that was very funny.

the weekend continued that way, drinking, partying, having fun.

Last night I went out with Heather, Jennifer, Max, and I met a new person, named Adam, and we had fun again. They wanted to drink, but I refused to drink more than just one beer, as I have work today.

I'm feeling especially lonely today.

my friend Adam (not the previous one mentioned) was hit by a car on Monday.
his pelvis was broken in three different places and he'll be in a walker for a couple of months.

I wrote him a card, and tried to see him in the hospital, but he left just as I arrived.

Anyway, now I feel really sad. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette.

The Age Of Aquarius

I had an awesome fucking weekend.

Feel Good

Today, I was on the phones for the first time.
I did really well, from what I've been told, I feel like I did well enough anyway.
They have a 'coach' (a tech 1 with rights) y-jack with you for the calls, to make sure you don't mess up, and if you do, they'll just click over and take control.
Fortunately, nobody had to do that.

Looking back at my last blog entry, it seems like I'm really obsessive over Melissa.
Maybe I am.
I talked to her on a break today, and it turns out that yeah, she was really pissed at me for going to her place and crying. Jesus, it's only been a couple of weeks.

Anyway, I feel like I am moving on, maybe I'm just tricking myself by acting that way, but I feel like I'm healing.
I've talked to some people and I'm starting to feel like I'm not up against a wall anymore.
Someone I met at work, split up with his ex a couple years ago, and they had a kid together. Reason being was that she found christ and no longer wanted to live with him... kind of a bullshit answer, but I can look at him, and I see that he is financially successful, he seems pretty cool, and he moved on with his life. His kid is now four years old.

Also, I talked to a girl, she's probably going to read this, but I had a really fun conversation with her, and that kind of made me realize too, that just because my plans didn't go over like I hoped, that I can still have fun with other people. It was pretty cool too, because I didn't mention my ex.
Or at least, not that I can remember, anyway.

Anyway, like always, you feel like maybe you need to censor yourself, when you know the people who're reading what you're saying, so I think maybe I'll do that for now.

Anyway, I had dinner with my mom at Qdobas... it's a mexican food place, it's not fast food, but it ain't slow either, nor is it cheap. Imagine if you would, if the mexicans at Tokyo Express made mexican food, and charged higher prices. That's what it reminded me of.

Anyway, after dinner I drove her home (all the way out to MESA!) and drove back to my dads.
Well, it's late for me, so I'm going to end this prematurely, good night and good luck!