Things I shouldn't be doing with people I shouldn't be doing them with.

I have grown close to my friend, and I am excited.

I know it's been a while since I've discussed the porn issue, mostly because I can't remember the last time I viewed pornography with intent.

I have seen it now and then recently, not intentionally, but I'd go to a friends house and they'd having something up, and I'd just ignore it.

I haven't felt upset for a long time now.

It seems this closeness with my friend is helping me keep an upbeat mood.
Just to be clear, we're not having sex or anything, because I know that with a certain amount of secrecy, it always sounds like it's the worst thing possible.
We've just been sharing our thoughts and ideas, a more kind of mental intimacy over physical.

I've been very happy the past few weeks.

At my work, I was nominated for the PBN award, when I told another one of my friends (adam, the drummer in my band) about it he said "You were nominated for the Pretty Bad Nigga award?"
to which I replied "Well, I am a pretty bad nigga."
and he said "No, you didn't win it."

So when I won it, I called him up and said "Guess who's a pretty bad nigga?"

Anyway, Things have just been rocking for me.
Work is going great,
My relationships are going great,
My band is going well,
I have a reliable vehicle,
and I'm saving up to move out.

Although, I do have one sour thing to report.
On Christmas morning, my ex called me, asking for money.
When I hung up on her (Christ, merry christmas to you too!), she got super pissed, but who wants to talk to someone who's all downer on Christmas?
It's freakin' Christmas, for the sake of Christ, cheer the fuck up!

Recent Developments

I traded in both the Honda and the Nissan for a Toyota Avalon.

It's a little older than the Nissan but younger than the Honda.
It's big, like an Impala.

When I practiced for getting my license, I used my Dads Impala (he ended up trading it in for a Saturn Ion), so I'm a little used to driving a bigger car (the Honda was the smallest of the five cars mentioned so far, and I really liked driving a small car).

I had to spend some cash on it though, so I'm a little low this week. I'll be able to survive but being the week before Christmas, there's still some things I want to get.

Anyway, yeah, to address a comment by one of my wonderful readers:
Yes, she's afraid too. I no longer am so afraid, not even sure what it was I was afraid of.
What is she afraid of? is that the next question? Well, to be honest it's not my place to say. She's going through a lot right now.

Anyway, things are going well for me.

Hints.

I miss my friend.

Felt so close the last time we held each other.

I was afraid.

What's Going On.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Couple of weeks ago my Nissan broke down, needs the clutch replaced.

We used my Uncles Triple A to get it towed, they give the first five miles free and charge for every mile thereafter about $5.

My Uncle thought the shop he had it worked on was on 19th Ave and Glendale, so we got to 19th ave and Glendale and low and behold it was not there but at 19th Ave and Bethany Home.

I forget the name of the place, but they were absolutely outrageous with prices, they wanted $1200!!

I spoke with one of my friends who spoke with her dad who is also a mechanic, and a job like that should cost no more than $600.

Anyway, right now the Nissan is sitting outside of my Grandparents house, waiting to be worked on.

But here's the good news, the police recovered my old honda.
We picked it up from the tow yard, and we were fortunate that it was able to run!
The bumper was removed, and they stole the speakers, whoever stole it had to leave it in a hurry because they left their lunch and a lighter on the seat. I'm guessing someone got into a car accident with it and then ran.

I'm hoping to sell the vehicle on craigslist.

Anyway, I'm fairly ticked off with my family over the whole Nissan thing. My Grandmother wanted to lend me money with interest to get it fixed.
I can't afford that!

Hopefully with the sale of my Honda I will be able to pay for the repairs on the Nissan and help myself get into an apartment and purchase myself some much needed furniture and kitchen utensils.

and groceries.

Wark:

Today, I sent in my tips and tricks for a better talk time and work time to the rest of my team. my supervisor and I worked on it, and I feel really good about it. I feel like I'm making a difference and that a lot of people are going to benefit from it.

I can't help but feel a little proud though, because this is my first tech job, I have very little professional experience. Although I was trained for this job, I still have limited phone experience.

I have to do my best to keep from getting a big head.


Other Fronts:

My boys are just as cute as ever, Xachary walks and Gabriel talks, they're just the cutest little boys ever. I love them and I miss them. Once I have myself a vehicle I'm going to get myself some printouts of pictures to hang up on my walls at work.

Melissa and I are amicable, which was what I was aiming for really. I don't want to be super best pals and I don't want to be enemies. It's kind of difficult for me to talk to her, because I don't want to tell her some stuff. Mostly because I don't really know who she is anymore and I'm not too interested in getting to know.

I've been talking to someone I really like, and from what I gather she really likes me too. But she thinks that I may just be confused and crushing on her. I don't know though, because I have some really good reasons for liking her, and it wasn't so much of a decision to like her as it was 'I'm starting to feel this way: why?' Perhaps there is a little bit of confusion, but I'd like to know who doesn't like someone and isn't confused by them, at least a little bit. But I'll try not to talk too much on this subject, you never know who may be reading.

Well, that's all I can feel I can talk about now. I miss someone.

Why does everything seem so overwhelming?

Hello Blog,
It's been a while.
I'm sorry I don't talk to you as much as I used to. I find myself being very busy with all the trouble that's going on. Or just being lazy with new games.

For a long time, I was being a good friend, with one of my friends. Until one time, when she made a joke that I didn't at first realize was a joke.

It made me think.

Think about how much of a waste it's all been.

My friend thinks my ex and I will get back together in the Spring.

I'm so torn on whether or not I'd want to go back.
I miss her, I'm lonely, I want my children to be happy, to live in a clean home, a happy home.

Melissa has been extra friendly to me recently. Which is something I don't quite understand. I figured she'd just want to be amicable, instead of 'how's it going buddy?'

Because I still hurt so much, I push her away. I don't want to hurt anymore.
I'm cold because I love her.

I'm tired of feeling this way, I think part of the reason why I want to be back with her, is so that I can avoid moving out and being on my own.

Misery loves company, and I feel miserable.


I don't even feel like I can talk to her about this. Or anyone really.

Apparently I really pissed off and insulted my friend, by sharing some of my feelings with her. I'm sorry for it.

She told me that perhaps she should distance herself from me, because of some things on her end. Which makes me sad, because she's my friend. I have so few of those.

Anyone else feel like a big ball of disappointment?

Anyway, I got myself a new car, a 1998 Nissan Sentra. It's a gas hog (20 mpg..), but it's wheels. It's a manual transmission too, so I've had the pleasure of learning how to use it.

Today, I picked up my boys and took my mom out, we all had a great time. My boys hadn't seen their grandmother in a while, so they were a little confused, but by the end of the night, they were best pals.

Work is going well. I have really good stats.
I'm still concerned about being late, they're really tough on that. last week I was late coming back from breaks twice in one day, by only a minute.

What a pain!!

Anyway, my supervisor wants me to start teaching other people on how to do their job. So that's pretty cool.

Well, I feel like I've run out of things to talk about.

a few songs I enjoy as of late:

Hurt - Falls Apart

We finish and wish we could start again
Our skin tears away as our memories fade with age
And we don't even know 'til its gone...
But everything just fell apart
'Cause everything just falls apart for me


Queens Of The Stone age - Go With The Flow

She said "i'll throw myself away,
They're just photos after all"
I can't make you hang around.
I can't wash you off my skin.

Falling in and out of love
Something sweet to throw away.
I want something good to die for
To make it beautiful to live.
I want a new mistake,



I like to listen to some sounds that reckon with the pain in me.

Working Towards A New Start

Well, I've heard no word from the police so I've resigned myself to save up money for a new car, within the next two weeks, I should have enough money to get one.

Just last night, I got my own individual phone line, and sent Melissa along with her own phone lines.

I've started up a band and we're having a lot of fun making songs, but since I can't play an instrument, I've been learning to play bass. It's supposed to be fairly easy to learn. I used to be able to play the guitar fairly well, so I should have a very easy time learning to play bass.

Emotionally though, I'm having a very difficult time. I still love her so much. Even though she hurt me so badly.

I can't stand it at all.

I've continued going to counseling, and I think it's helping. I know I really enjoy going.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I want my heart to fly again, to sing about the joys of a new love.

Whenever I masturbate, I can't help but think about the last time I had sex. It's completely normal, yes. But also painful.

To think of love lost.

It has been difficult, I won't lie.
To keep from viewing pornography, in the hopes of keeping images of her out.
But as I continue to separate myself from her, I think it will get easier.

I think I'm beginning to get a crush on Christina.
Not a good thing, as she's a friend of a friend, she has a boyfriend, and she's not very faithful to the people she's with.

So take these broken wings, and learn to fly again, learn to love so free.
And when we hear, the angels sing, the book of love will open up and let us in.


Anyway, other than that, things have been ok. The boys are so wonderful. I miss them.

Not having a car has made it difficult to see them.
Anyway, my band and I play mostly funny songs. Original content though. Which is good. I think it's better to play badly and write your own content than to play well and rip everyone off.

My Car Was Stolen

Yeah, it's gone.
I woke up Friday morning, went out to go to work, and it wasn't there.

I called the police, and filed a report.
Still no word on my car.

Today, I'm throwing a party for Xachary.

He turned 1 year old on the Ninth.

Originally, we wanted the whole family to be there, but Melissa is apparently too sick and so is Gabriel, but I think they may go anyway.