One Million and One Things To Think About

Ok, so to bring you all up to speed. Melissa and I have gotten over our past fights. We're back together.

Anyway, as of late, she's been feeling nervous, as I understand women who are in this situation do. She peeked in on me, to make sure I hadn't relapsed. I haven't. But I did view a particularly promiscuous image.

I shall link to it here.
http://www.alexfish.com/kirsten_d/Kirsten_Dunst008.jpeg

Anyway, I'll give you the context.
On The myspace forums, in the videogame subforum, I posted this picture in response to someone posting a half-naked picture of Brad Pitt.
It was stupid, I know.
No reason to do it, other than I thought it would have been a funny commentary. A yang to their Ying if you would.
Well, I didn't take all day to look at it, I posted it and moved on. I didn't relapse. The image left my mind as quickly as it entered.

So, she comes to me and she feels like I'm lying to her. That I have been looking at it. I look at the situation and no, it doesn't help me. I should just stay away from it all together, even if I don't have the uncontrollable urge to continue looking at images that are portrayed in such a manner (because even if the subject manner is not erotic if it's posed in an erotic manner it is still pornography).

Anyway, she tells me that I'm not the man she fell in love with. To be honest I never was. When we met I was still a child, viewing pornographic images on a daily basis, spending large amounts of time playing video games, and not at all being cleanly or family orientated. Can I really be to blame for not being that, although I was for being that?

Perhaps a look at my family might help provide a clearer look. Seeing as my dad is into pornographic and violent material, and typically prefers to be alone, I myself followed the same structure. I would while away the hours, viewing pornography and playing violent stolen videogames. Perhaps that's what most kids do these days. My friends did it, my dad did it, why shouldn't I have done it?

Because it's wrong.
I realized that then, but I figured that since I've been doing it and I've had no problems, why should I stop?
I've seen the problems. I'm changing my ways, FINALLY. It's taken me damn near forever to muster up the courage and the strength that's been hiding inside me. I wouldn't have been able to do it if it weren't for her. She knocked me on my ass. What was I doing? She worked all day, I watched the kids, and while they were asleep, what did I do?
I broke my promise.
I viewed pornography and I lied.
I betrayed her trust.
And she told me I have to leave.
I agreed, for the sake of our children.

Well, it's come to this now. I'm changing, and of course because I sought fit to lie to her in the past, she has difficulty believing me. This is my punishment.
I cannot just change, but I have to make things right with the ones I've harmed.
I will suffer greatly because of my lies. But to conquer this, even though I suffer I will not yield to my past urges. I will not yield to who I was. I will be who I am, and who I always wanted to be.

I can never undo the damage that I've done. I can only not do it again.

She says, she doesn't know who I am, because today during my breaks from cleaning, I spent time on my computer, like I always did. Posting in forums and reading up on video game news.
These are my primary sources of entertainment. I am a geek. I love talking about video games, I love hearing about video games, I love reading about video games. This is my hobby.
Is my hobby interfering with my life?

I cannot talk about video games with her. She has made this clear as she does not keep up with them, nor does she play them anymore (I don't play them as much either, but I do enjoy socializing about them).

My sons are not old enough to enjoy my hobby to it's fullest extent, yet.

She's right, it would have been more entertaining for us to have played a board game. I would have thoroughly enjoyed it, but today it seemed that every time we had a break, she had something that she wanted to do.

She was tired, so she wanted to lay down. She wanted to put her make up on (takes forever, am I right guys?), she wanted to take her makeup off (oh my god, that takes even longer!), or she didn't want to take a break.
Granted, I could have played with my children, but anyone who has children knows that when it's time to clean it's time to put the children somewhere where they can't make a mess (or if they can, make sure it's small). You can't bring them out, play with them, and then tell them 'ok it's time for me to clean!'
They're going to be upset and they can't understand. Besides that they'll probably make a mess of the area you were cleaning in, or if you take them to a place you've cleaned, they'll mess that up, or if you take them to an area that's going to be cleaned, they'll make it even worse.

Children make messes.
Especially when you can't reason with them to pick it up afterward.

But she says that I've been spending too much time online, so I told her that if it really does concern her, I will curb it. I love her and if she says she thinks somethings wrong then I'm going to check it out. Let's be reasonable and honest.

She also was saying that she thought that I don't have enough initiative when it comes to the children. But I do say that I do a lot for them without being told to do so. I read to them, I rough house with them, I feed them even. Change them, bathe them, I feel like I do damn well enough.

Anyway, as if I weren't stressed out enough about that, but my work has been insanely slow (I deliver pizzas). I mean, yesterday I worked for three hours and I delivered three pizzas.
In case anyone doesn't know, but it would be common for a Pizza man to deliver 3-4 Pizzas an HOUR.
I want to work, I want it to be busy, and I want to bring home money. But I can't do it if nobody orders pizzas or tips the pizza guy a decent amount (10-15% is all we're asking. on a 20 dollar order that's only 2 bucks!). It's not like I'm not favored either, we're just not getting a lot of business.

A couple of days ago, I called the maintenance for my apartment because we've had a hole in our bathroom ceiling for months. What had happened was the drain from above our apartment was leaking and it made a bubble in our ceiling. They had someone come down and fix the leak, but they didn't patch up the hole they left.
They also didn't work on the lightswitch I had called about too.
Our dishwasher was also on the fritz, so I decided I'd take the plates/dishes/whathaveyou from the dishwasher into the sink, when I realized he'd probably need to get into the sink, so I put them in the bathtub.

So the maintenance man comes, he looks at the dishwasher and doesn't tell me anything.
He looks at the lightswitch and replaces it.
He looks at the hole in the ceiling, asks me if they still had the original drywall they cut out, and I told him I don't know seeing as it's been a long time. Then I say that they probably didn't because it was so badly damaged.

Anyway, he leaves, says he'll be back later with some drywall. Whatever, fine, as long as it gets fixed, what do I care?

Anyway, a day later I get two letters. One letter telling me that I have to get rid of my cats or pay $400 dollars to them. And another letter saying that my house is in such a bad condition that if it's not cleaned up in 5 days they'll have to evict me because it's a health issue.
I got rid of the cats.
But the only bad thing there was about my house was that, yes I had dishes in the tub. But that was only so the mother fucker could work on the god damn dishwasher.
Anyway, I feel like my home has been invaded. This douchebag comes in, fixes my lightswitch, and then taddles on me.
what the fuck? Am I right or what?
So anyway, we're making sure the house is spotless (as possible, with kids you know), so that when they come to inspect it, we can put our foot up their asses. This is absolutely ridiculous.
I didn't put that hole in the ceiling, they did and they never fixed it.
Just so you all know, this is La Mirada.
La Mirada apartments is full of bullshit and if you ever see someone who works there or the building itself, I encourage you to show as much disrespect as you feel you can morally give to someone or something so terrible.

Anyway, to the topic of this thread, One Million and One Things To Think About...
It shows that I have a lot of stresses going on right now. Stresses with the woman, Stresses with the job, and stresses with my own goddamn apartment building (not to mention that I need to get my car checked out, the engine keeps turning off and I don't have any money for to fix it), that all lead up to these problems that I have to think about. I think about it, and maybe I am using the internet to escape my problems. I have a lot of fucking problems.
Sure I don't have it as bad as the next guy, there's always someone better than you/worse than you. But Damn it this is my blog, this is my place to bitch and whine.

I've finally come around to realize the right thing to do, and now I have to suffer and pay like never before. That's irony for ya.
Not to say that I don't deserve it, it's just that some of it, I wish could have waited until later. I just have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan for me and that every tip I get is a blessing. Well, I really don't know how to end this so here's the publish post.