Turns out the party she went to was sponsored by some sex toy store.
She told me, the night we had sex, she made love to me.
But she's still torn about all the things I've done wrong and all the good things I've done.
Anyway, I told her that from my point of view it looks like she is really interested in Brom because she's talking to him for long periods (she came home at four in the morning and didn't get off the phone with him until I asked her if we could talk sometime soon, this was over an hour).
She tells me, that yeah, she is really interested in finding another person to love.
She's going to tell Brom tomorrow (she didn't set a time with him like she said she was going to), that she's not ready to actually start dating and that they need to 'cool it.'
Every now and then, I get the feeling of 'you know what? forget the whole thing.'
I get the feeling of taking a box cutter, removing the blade and slicing my skin, why?
Not because I find solace in cutting, but because I hear other people do, and I might like to try it.
Because I need solace.
She is very upset with me, that whenever she talks to Brom we have to have this big long discussion, because I feel insecure.
Well I think it's important to talk about my feelings, I never say she's doing something bad, or wrong, I just kind of feel that if she's not so interested in him, like she says, then why does she feel the need to talk to him for hours on end into the late night?
If she wants to break up with me that's fine, if she wants to stay with me, that's great too, but telling me she's not interested and talking for great long hours like that, is kind of a tease.
Some parts of me feel, that at this point she just wants to tease me, to string me a long.
This is getting ridiculous and I can't stand it.
I'm tired.
I do regret the pain I've put her through, but I don't regret the relationship, if those things hadn't have happened I wouldn't have been able to work on my problems.
I'm a young kid, I'm 20.
She's telling me that I have been very irresponsible. I have been.
But at the same time, I also have to say that anyone else in my shoes, at 17 would have run.
Would have said 'Lol, no kids, bye.'
I stuck through it, and I did the best I could do. It wasn't much, and I was selfish, but being a kid like I was, it couldn't be helped.
Maybe I'm a bastard for thinking that.
But I never said 'God, I wish I didn't have these kids!'
You know, I have thought about what it'd be like if I didn't, but I've never damned them.
I love them.
Anyway, this isn't about that.
After we talked (during the writing of this blog) she came to me, to tell me that we shouldn't talk when we're both tired, because we get frustrated and angry.
I got very frustrated (previously) because she kept interrupting me. I didn't raise my voice at her or hit her, or throw anything, I didn't do anything violent.
I just kind of hopped a bit, but I was furious.
I guess she wanted to make up, nobody apologized for anything though.
That's what it's like being torn, I suppose.
I want to talk to her more, about her motivation to relax on dating a little bit.
If she still wants to date other people (and not just Brom) then I think I'm going to really start dating other people too.
Not because I want to be with other people, but because I think maybe, just maybe it'll help me get over Melissa.
sometimes it feels like to me, that she just wants to get under my skin, probably not true, but it's how it feels.
I mean, c'mon who's not going to feel jealous when the person they love is on the phone with someone who they are trying to start a foundation for a relationship with, for extended periods of time, in the same place you live in.
She woke me up and didn't even say 'lol, I'm sorry.'
I have another confession to make, I've looked at porn again, recently.
Not because I was depressed, because I was genuinely horny and I didn't want to think about Melissa.
Because thinking about Melissa would mean thinking about all the pain I'm currently going through.
But I didn't binge. I didn't do it for hours at a time (like I used to) and I am not going to do it for days at a time either. I feel like I am really in control this time.
I don't like pornography though. It depicts women in a horrible light. It shouldn't even be 'O.K. sometimes...' But honestly who can't say that they've felt horny one time or another and ignoring it would actually solve the problem? I find myself getting rather angry and frustrated if I don't get a release.
So I have a moral dilemma.
I feel like there's more I need to get out, but I can't at this point put anything else down.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Deceit
Good Morning Blog,
and what a horrible morning it is.
This week has kind of been building up, to some kind of strange.
I talked to Melissa, and I finally convinced her (I forget how) that dating right now isn't the best thing. So she's neither with me, or dating. Or, so I thought.
And things were perking up a little bit, as we had sex the other night.
Anyway, Saturday she was supposed to go out with her friends to Goodyear (another city in Arizona), to party. She told me that it was just too far out and she was thinking she'd probably cancel.
She also told me that this weekend (Thursday-Saturday) she'd drop off the boys and pick them up.
These are things that did not happen on Saturday.
She decided to sleep in, after I told her time after time, that the sitter wants the kids early on Saturday.
So she finally dropped them off at noon (she wrote 11:00 am, on the wrong side of the sheet with the sitter), and we went furniture shopping at the many goodwills in phoenix. We didn't see anything we liked, but during the trip she got a phone call from one of her girlfriends.
Asking her if she was going to come at 4:00 in the afternoon, and then come back to phoenix, Sunday morning.
She said 'lol, y sure!'
But, she had to pick up the kids at 6:00 from the sitters.
Anyway, she shrugged off her responsibility on me. Sure I told her I would do it, but if she wasn't going to do it, who the hell would?
Anyway, she left, I got the kids, the night was pretty uneventful. She sent me some pictures of the party.
I don't know what kind of party it was, as of yet she hasn't spoken to me about it (she's home now even).
Anyway, I finally was asleep at like 11:00ish.
Come about 4 o'clock in the morning (not too long ago now) I hear some talking and what not in the living room, so I get up and I shout out, 'Melissa?'
Pretty stupid, actually seeing as I don't know who it is.
Anyway, yeah it was her, and it turns out she was on the phone with Brom (the guy she went on a date with earlier, who she doesn't know if she likes yet, and apparently has to talk to a ton).
She's actually still on the phone with him.
She told me she was going to finalize plans with him for later today (assuming she's still going to stop going out with him) and then take a shower.
This was some 45 minutes ago she told me this.
Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that she's been lying to me all along, and she is trying to string me along like some little puppy dog.
I'm sick of it, so I'm going to distance myself from her, and I think in order to do that, I need to go and date some people.
She's going to ask me 'Do you want to try to make this work?'
I'm going to tell her 'No, I don't want to. I lied to you, and hurt you, and ruined your self-esteem. You never forgave me, not that you have to, but to be around someone who is still holding a grudge after I've done so much to change myself, after I've come clean and honest about who I am and who I want to be, you still feel the need to get even with me. I'm sorry but I can't have a relationship with someone like that. Maybe it is my own fault, but at this point there's nothing I can do about it. Revenge is no basis for a relationship.'
She obviously likes Brom more than she is telling me, she obviously is just using me now.
It is over, she doesn't want me, she wants to hurt me.
Anyway, more updates after I talk to her, of course.
and what a horrible morning it is.
This week has kind of been building up, to some kind of strange.
I talked to Melissa, and I finally convinced her (I forget how) that dating right now isn't the best thing. So she's neither with me, or dating. Or, so I thought.
And things were perking up a little bit, as we had sex the other night.
Anyway, Saturday she was supposed to go out with her friends to Goodyear (another city in Arizona), to party. She told me that it was just too far out and she was thinking she'd probably cancel.
She also told me that this weekend (Thursday-Saturday) she'd drop off the boys and pick them up.
These are things that did not happen on Saturday.
She decided to sleep in, after I told her time after time, that the sitter wants the kids early on Saturday.
So she finally dropped them off at noon (she wrote 11:00 am, on the wrong side of the sheet with the sitter), and we went furniture shopping at the many goodwills in phoenix. We didn't see anything we liked, but during the trip she got a phone call from one of her girlfriends.
Asking her if she was going to come at 4:00 in the afternoon, and then come back to phoenix, Sunday morning.
She said 'lol, y sure!'
But, she had to pick up the kids at 6:00 from the sitters.
Anyway, she shrugged off her responsibility on me. Sure I told her I would do it, but if she wasn't going to do it, who the hell would?
Anyway, she left, I got the kids, the night was pretty uneventful. She sent me some pictures of the party.
I don't know what kind of party it was, as of yet she hasn't spoken to me about it (she's home now even).
Anyway, I finally was asleep at like 11:00ish.
Come about 4 o'clock in the morning (not too long ago now) I hear some talking and what not in the living room, so I get up and I shout out, 'Melissa?'
Pretty stupid, actually seeing as I don't know who it is.
Anyway, yeah it was her, and it turns out she was on the phone with Brom (the guy she went on a date with earlier, who she doesn't know if she likes yet, and apparently has to talk to a ton).
She's actually still on the phone with him.
She told me she was going to finalize plans with him for later today (assuming she's still going to stop going out with him) and then take a shower.
This was some 45 minutes ago she told me this.
Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that she's been lying to me all along, and she is trying to string me along like some little puppy dog.
I'm sick of it, so I'm going to distance myself from her, and I think in order to do that, I need to go and date some people.
She's going to ask me 'Do you want to try to make this work?'
I'm going to tell her 'No, I don't want to. I lied to you, and hurt you, and ruined your self-esteem. You never forgave me, not that you have to, but to be around someone who is still holding a grudge after I've done so much to change myself, after I've come clean and honest about who I am and who I want to be, you still feel the need to get even with me. I'm sorry but I can't have a relationship with someone like that. Maybe it is my own fault, but at this point there's nothing I can do about it. Revenge is no basis for a relationship.'
She obviously likes Brom more than she is telling me, she obviously is just using me now.
It is over, she doesn't want me, she wants to hurt me.
Anyway, more updates after I talk to her, of course.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
A Re-evaluation
When I was younger, I was obsessed with degradation of the flesh, both morally and physically.
Zombies and Porno.
Risking both the loss of life and the creation of it.
Melissa does not love me.
Melissa tells me her friends think I'm cool, but apparently not.
It feels like I've wasted so much time. So much of my life already gone.
I have created life with another human being, twice.
Yet I have killed none.
Pornography is a stupid way out, so is suicide and murder.
The feelings we get when we're pushed to the edge.
Life, death, love, hate, apathy, joy...
All of these are things people must experience.
When it hurts, I feel like I need to make someone or something else feel as sorry as I am.
Whether it be my body, my mind, my spirit, some one or something else. I feel like I must destroy.
I would kill myself before anyone else.
Every one must journey. Must feel out the many paths of life and decide which is the right path for them.
I stand to have potentially the best job I've had in my life so far, and yet my relationship is in shambles.
This is what happens when you let kids play grown-up. What happens when you fail to teach your kids the right path.
When ignorance rears it's ugly head.
I'd rather die than go on living.
But with so many things to look forward to, how can I possibly do such a stupid thing?
This is depression. This is insanity.
I've tried hard, but am I not to blame?
It is my responsibility, and I've let so many down.
Do I deserve to live?
Zombies and Porno.
Risking both the loss of life and the creation of it.
Melissa does not love me.
Melissa tells me her friends think I'm cool, but apparently not.
It feels like I've wasted so much time. So much of my life already gone.
I have created life with another human being, twice.
Yet I have killed none.
Pornography is a stupid way out, so is suicide and murder.
The feelings we get when we're pushed to the edge.
Life, death, love, hate, apathy, joy...
All of these are things people must experience.
When it hurts, I feel like I need to make someone or something else feel as sorry as I am.
Whether it be my body, my mind, my spirit, some one or something else. I feel like I must destroy.
I would kill myself before anyone else.
Every one must journey. Must feel out the many paths of life and decide which is the right path for them.
I stand to have potentially the best job I've had in my life so far, and yet my relationship is in shambles.
This is what happens when you let kids play grown-up. What happens when you fail to teach your kids the right path.
When ignorance rears it's ugly head.
I'd rather die than go on living.
But with so many things to look forward to, how can I possibly do such a stupid thing?
This is depression. This is insanity.
I've tried hard, but am I not to blame?
It is my responsibility, and I've let so many down.
Do I deserve to live?
Thursday, August 23, 2007
BIG UPDATE
I have a big update.
Let's start off in the main category, specifically related to my pornography addiction.
I have slipped.
Fortunately I have been able to surpass this slippage.
Surely, this is not enough information, so I shall go into detail.
I've been depressed as of late, for many reasons. My job, my relationships, my car, bills, traffic citations, broken phones...
It's been piling up, and there's no one to blame but myself.
When the depression starts, that feeling gets very strong. It's a chemical reaction. There was an example given in a book I read.
They had set up these electronic responders to the pleasure centers of these monkeys brains, and when these monkey's pressed the button they received pleasure unimaginable. These monkeys held the button down until they died.
Perhaps that isn't that great of an example after all.
Anyway, you slip because you're depressed, which makes you even more depressed.
It's a vicious cycle that's very hard to break.
Anyway, more on the reasons why I'm depressed.
I left my job at Epic Commerce,
Apparently a previous employee had taken their last check and wrote a different amount on it. Normally a check cashing place would go 'lol, this is your hand writing.' but at Epic Commerce you receive handwritten checks.
So anyway, my paycheck from that week ended up bouncing (I didn't find out until nearly two weeks later, thanks Wellsfargo). And that Friday, 5 minutes before it was time to pick up our checks, they decided to tell us that the funds simply aren't available and we have that particular employee to thank.
What had happened was, they found out either on Tuesday or Wednesday that this particular employee had done this. Normally when Banks realize 'lol, fraud.' they freeze the account immediately. Now if the account wasn't actually frozen until Friday, my check wouldn't have bounced as these companies need to have a certain amount in the bank for the account to even be considered open. And they would have been able to tell us that we wouldn't be able to get our checks on Friday, on Wednesday or Thursday (I was going to buy a new phone right after work!).
So it's clear that they not only lied to, but withheld information from it's employees.
Because the check bounced, my bank decided to take $70 dollars of my money.
They said that the check bounced on Friday (why does it take a whole week to deposit a check?), and for every withdrawal after that I received an overdraft charge.
If the check truly had been bounced on Friday, then why on Saturday did they allow me to withdraw $20 from a teller in-store. I found out on Sunday that there was actually no money in the account, and it wouldn't let me purchase anything because of it.
If the check had bounced on Friday (a week later than the deposit date), then I would not be able to have made those charges/withdrawals with my card because it would simply not allow it.
The bank on the other hand, either could not or would not, tell me coherently what the issue actually was. They did however refund half of the initial $138, meaning they basically stole $70 dollars from me. I banked with Wellsfargo for 8 years and I never had anything this disgusting happen to me, ever. Apparently Wellsfargo doesn't appreciate long-time account holders.
Needless to say, I quit my job and switched banks. That week that I quit my job, I found what could possibly be my dream job. I will be paid $13/hr to tell people to powercycle their modems (lol, unplug it, now wait 15 seconds).
My car, as you may know has been in need of repair for some time, unfortunately throughout my two months of work at Epic Commerce, I was not able to save enough money to take it into the shop. I've fallen behind on my car insurance payments and my insurance has expired.
On my way to my job interview for the aforementioned job, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. He didn't give me a ticket, because I was driving rather well, but he did cite me for having expired insurance.
The weekend of my son's birthday, my youngest decided to dip my cell phone in the toilet. I can no longer charge it. Fortunately during my time at Epic Commerce, somebody found a broken Razr V3m. I can't get T-mobile to put service on it (no simcard slot), so I use it to charge the battery. The V3m only has broken LCD screens (it's fine otherwise).
So yesterday I upgraded my phone service for another 2 years and ordered a Samsung t659 (I think that's the model number, it's a sliding camera phone) for free.
I'm falling behind on my Cable bill, my phone bill, and I still have to pay rent. I have to do most of this before september 10th and I don't start work until september 4th.
My relationship with Melissa is suffering.
She told me that whenever she thinks of me in a romantic light, she can only see the times that I've hurt her, instead of done any thing good for her.
She told me that she wants to date other people to see if that's what she really wants.
I don't like it at all, I don't want to seem like she can just do that and come back to me. My feelings towards her are deteriorating.
I want to say 'How can she do this?'
But who am I to say this, after the horrible things that I've done. I should consider myself lucky that she even is still considering being with me.
Still, as every red blooded American, I am feeling jealous when someone else is courting my woman.
But I am being respectful, I love her so I can only let her do what she wants.
Let's start off in the main category, specifically related to my pornography addiction.
I have slipped.
Fortunately I have been able to surpass this slippage.
Surely, this is not enough information, so I shall go into detail.
I've been depressed as of late, for many reasons. My job, my relationships, my car, bills, traffic citations, broken phones...
It's been piling up, and there's no one to blame but myself.
When the depression starts, that feeling gets very strong. It's a chemical reaction. There was an example given in a book I read.
They had set up these electronic responders to the pleasure centers of these monkeys brains, and when these monkey's pressed the button they received pleasure unimaginable. These monkeys held the button down until they died.
Perhaps that isn't that great of an example after all.
Anyway, you slip because you're depressed, which makes you even more depressed.
It's a vicious cycle that's very hard to break.
Anyway, more on the reasons why I'm depressed.
I left my job at Epic Commerce,
Apparently a previous employee had taken their last check and wrote a different amount on it. Normally a check cashing place would go 'lol, this is your hand writing.' but at Epic Commerce you receive handwritten checks.
So anyway, my paycheck from that week ended up bouncing (I didn't find out until nearly two weeks later, thanks Wellsfargo). And that Friday, 5 minutes before it was time to pick up our checks, they decided to tell us that the funds simply aren't available and we have that particular employee to thank.
What had happened was, they found out either on Tuesday or Wednesday that this particular employee had done this. Normally when Banks realize 'lol, fraud.' they freeze the account immediately. Now if the account wasn't actually frozen until Friday, my check wouldn't have bounced as these companies need to have a certain amount in the bank for the account to even be considered open. And they would have been able to tell us that we wouldn't be able to get our checks on Friday, on Wednesday or Thursday (I was going to buy a new phone right after work!).
So it's clear that they not only lied to, but withheld information from it's employees.
Because the check bounced, my bank decided to take $70 dollars of my money.
They said that the check bounced on Friday (why does it take a whole week to deposit a check?), and for every withdrawal after that I received an overdraft charge.
If the check truly had been bounced on Friday, then why on Saturday did they allow me to withdraw $20 from a teller in-store. I found out on Sunday that there was actually no money in the account, and it wouldn't let me purchase anything because of it.
If the check had bounced on Friday (a week later than the deposit date), then I would not be able to have made those charges/withdrawals with my card because it would simply not allow it.
The bank on the other hand, either could not or would not, tell me coherently what the issue actually was. They did however refund half of the initial $138, meaning they basically stole $70 dollars from me. I banked with Wellsfargo for 8 years and I never had anything this disgusting happen to me, ever. Apparently Wellsfargo doesn't appreciate long-time account holders.
Needless to say, I quit my job and switched banks. That week that I quit my job, I found what could possibly be my dream job. I will be paid $13/hr to tell people to powercycle their modems (lol, unplug it, now wait 15 seconds).
My car, as you may know has been in need of repair for some time, unfortunately throughout my two months of work at Epic Commerce, I was not able to save enough money to take it into the shop. I've fallen behind on my car insurance payments and my insurance has expired.
On my way to my job interview for the aforementioned job, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. He didn't give me a ticket, because I was driving rather well, but he did cite me for having expired insurance.
The weekend of my son's birthday, my youngest decided to dip my cell phone in the toilet. I can no longer charge it. Fortunately during my time at Epic Commerce, somebody found a broken Razr V3m. I can't get T-mobile to put service on it (no simcard slot), so I use it to charge the battery. The V3m only has broken LCD screens (it's fine otherwise).
So yesterday I upgraded my phone service for another 2 years and ordered a Samsung t659 (I think that's the model number, it's a sliding camera phone) for free.
I'm falling behind on my Cable bill, my phone bill, and I still have to pay rent. I have to do most of this before september 10th and I don't start work until september 4th.
My relationship with Melissa is suffering.
She told me that whenever she thinks of me in a romantic light, she can only see the times that I've hurt her, instead of done any thing good for her.
She told me that she wants to date other people to see if that's what she really wants.
I don't like it at all, I don't want to seem like she can just do that and come back to me. My feelings towards her are deteriorating.
I want to say 'How can she do this?'
But who am I to say this, after the horrible things that I've done. I should consider myself lucky that she even is still considering being with me.
Still, as every red blooded American, I am feeling jealous when someone else is courting my woman.
But I am being respectful, I love her so I can only let her do what she wants.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Difficulty
Melissa has viewed pornography,
Melissa is suspicious that I may be looking at pornography.
I'm not, I haven't.
But she says to me 'I know you have, what would it hurt for you to have told me? I wouldn't be upset.'
She says this every time she gets suspicious.
Which makes me, in turn, want to view pornography, so I could tell her about it.
So she can trust me some more.
But I'm afraid of viewing it because I don't want to slip. And viewing it, just to tell her that I did, doesn't work either. Because she wants to know if I slipped.
Even typing about this now is starting to rouse demons in me.
Anyway, I'm going to go finish folding the laundry and make some dinner. I have a job interview with AMEX tomorrow (I missed the one on saturday, because I couldn't sleep friday night, at all), and I will hopefully get it, I have my neighbors information and I'm going to get a better job.
Also, I made a sale today at my work.
Melissa is suspicious that I may be looking at pornography.
I'm not, I haven't.
But she says to me 'I know you have, what would it hurt for you to have told me? I wouldn't be upset.'
She says this every time she gets suspicious.
Which makes me, in turn, want to view pornography, so I could tell her about it.
So she can trust me some more.
But I'm afraid of viewing it because I don't want to slip. And viewing it, just to tell her that I did, doesn't work either. Because she wants to know if I slipped.
Even typing about this now is starting to rouse demons in me.
Anyway, I'm going to go finish folding the laundry and make some dinner. I have a job interview with AMEX tomorrow (I missed the one on saturday, because I couldn't sleep friday night, at all), and I will hopefully get it, I have my neighbors information and I'm going to get a better job.
Also, I made a sale today at my work.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Recent News
I've been working for Epic Commerce LLC. As a telemarketer.
It stinks. It's a fledgling company, they don't have great leads, they don't have many leads..
I think I might be fired tomorrow, because I have been unsuccessful in getting many sales. Although I've done better this week, than last week (This being my second week there). Money is running dry, thankfully our foodstamps have come in today, so we can feed our children.
In reference to pornography, I've not had any problems, I've been really busy focusing on work. I found myself, last weekend feeling like I kind of wanted to look at it, but I was able to easily push it aside.
Mostly I just felt like looking at it because I was bored and I wasn't actively doing something at that time. Instead I cleaned house, and played my pokemon game. Yeah, it's kind of silly a man of my age, at 20, with two kids, playing pokemon. But It's one of the few stress free things in my life.
I have a job interview for American Express on Saturday, and I'm going to go to another telemarketer place, after work tomorrow (Ha, I might get fired..) for an interview, they will hire me for a constant $14 an hour, as opposed to sales based, and they're 40 hours a week (currently, I'm working 30, it's nice, but I would rather have money than free time right now).
Anyway, my car is still acting up, I quit my pizza job (the manager was playing favorites with one of his employees, I wasn't directly involved but I frown on that kind of behavior so I quit), My bank account is low, Melissa had her id, debit, and credit card stolen out of her purse, as well as a check her father was going to give to me to pay me for her sisters phone.
So yeah, it's been really, really, really stressful, but I have not resorted to looking at pornography. I also have not been reading my books, but I have hardly even had the feeling to look at it, except for a little bit on the weekends, and I've already learned how to deal with those kind of feelings in that situation. I wouldn't say I'm cured, but with things being so busy right now, I just plain don't have the time.
The boys are more jealous of each other, constantly vying for attention. It's crazy and hectic but I'm not falling apart.
It stinks. It's a fledgling company, they don't have great leads, they don't have many leads..
I think I might be fired tomorrow, because I have been unsuccessful in getting many sales. Although I've done better this week, than last week (This being my second week there). Money is running dry, thankfully our foodstamps have come in today, so we can feed our children.
In reference to pornography, I've not had any problems, I've been really busy focusing on work. I found myself, last weekend feeling like I kind of wanted to look at it, but I was able to easily push it aside.
Mostly I just felt like looking at it because I was bored and I wasn't actively doing something at that time. Instead I cleaned house, and played my pokemon game. Yeah, it's kind of silly a man of my age, at 20, with two kids, playing pokemon. But It's one of the few stress free things in my life.
I have a job interview for American Express on Saturday, and I'm going to go to another telemarketer place, after work tomorrow (Ha, I might get fired..) for an interview, they will hire me for a constant $14 an hour, as opposed to sales based, and they're 40 hours a week (currently, I'm working 30, it's nice, but I would rather have money than free time right now).
Anyway, my car is still acting up, I quit my pizza job (the manager was playing favorites with one of his employees, I wasn't directly involved but I frown on that kind of behavior so I quit), My bank account is low, Melissa had her id, debit, and credit card stolen out of her purse, as well as a check her father was going to give to me to pay me for her sisters phone.
So yeah, it's been really, really, really stressful, but I have not resorted to looking at pornography. I also have not been reading my books, but I have hardly even had the feeling to look at it, except for a little bit on the weekends, and I've already learned how to deal with those kind of feelings in that situation. I wouldn't say I'm cured, but with things being so busy right now, I just plain don't have the time.
The boys are more jealous of each other, constantly vying for attention. It's crazy and hectic but I'm not falling apart.
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