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Turns out the party she went to was sponsored by some sex toy store.

She told me, the night we had sex, she made love to me.
But she's still torn about all the things I've done wrong and all the good things I've done.

Anyway, I told her that from my point of view it looks like she is really interested in Brom because she's talking to him for long periods (she came home at four in the morning and didn't get off the phone with him until I asked her if we could talk sometime soon, this was over an hour).

She tells me, that yeah, she is really interested in finding another person to love.

She's going to tell Brom tomorrow (she didn't set a time with him like she said she was going to), that she's not ready to actually start dating and that they need to 'cool it.'

Every now and then, I get the feeling of 'you know what? forget the whole thing.'
I get the feeling of taking a box cutter, removing the blade and slicing my skin, why?
Not because I find solace in cutting, but because I hear other people do, and I might like to try it.
Because I need solace.

She is very upset with me, that whenever she talks to Brom we have to have this big long discussion, because I feel insecure.

Well I think it's important to talk about my feelings, I never say she's doing something bad, or wrong, I just kind of feel that if she's not so interested in him, like she says, then why does she feel the need to talk to him for hours on end into the late night?

If she wants to break up with me that's fine, if she wants to stay with me, that's great too, but telling me she's not interested and talking for great long hours like that, is kind of a tease.
Some parts of me feel, that at this point she just wants to tease me, to string me a long.

This is getting ridiculous and I can't stand it.

I'm tired.
I do regret the pain I've put her through, but I don't regret the relationship, if those things hadn't have happened I wouldn't have been able to work on my problems.
I'm a young kid, I'm 20.
She's telling me that I have been very irresponsible. I have been.
But at the same time, I also have to say that anyone else in my shoes, at 17 would have run.
Would have said 'Lol, no kids, bye.'
I stuck through it, and I did the best I could do. It wasn't much, and I was selfish, but being a kid like I was, it couldn't be helped.

Maybe I'm a bastard for thinking that.

But I never said 'God, I wish I didn't have these kids!'
You know, I have thought about what it'd be like if I didn't, but I've never damned them.
I love them.

Anyway, this isn't about that.
After we talked (during the writing of this blog) she came to me, to tell me that we shouldn't talk when we're both tired, because we get frustrated and angry.
I got very frustrated (previously) because she kept interrupting me. I didn't raise my voice at her or hit her, or throw anything, I didn't do anything violent.
I just kind of hopped a bit, but I was furious.

I guess she wanted to make up, nobody apologized for anything though.
That's what it's like being torn, I suppose.

I want to talk to her more, about her motivation to relax on dating a little bit.
If she still wants to date other people (and not just Brom) then I think I'm going to really start dating other people too.
Not because I want to be with other people, but because I think maybe, just maybe it'll help me get over Melissa.

sometimes it feels like to me, that she just wants to get under my skin, probably not true, but it's how it feels.

I mean, c'mon who's not going to feel jealous when the person they love is on the phone with someone who they are trying to start a foundation for a relationship with, for extended periods of time, in the same place you live in.
She woke me up and didn't even say 'lol, I'm sorry.'

I have another confession to make, I've looked at porn again, recently.
Not because I was depressed, because I was genuinely horny and I didn't want to think about Melissa.
Because thinking about Melissa would mean thinking about all the pain I'm currently going through.
But I didn't binge. I didn't do it for hours at a time (like I used to) and I am not going to do it for days at a time either. I feel like I am really in control this time.

I don't like pornography though. It depicts women in a horrible light. It shouldn't even be 'O.K. sometimes...' But honestly who can't say that they've felt horny one time or another and ignoring it would actually solve the problem? I find myself getting rather angry and frustrated if I don't get a release.
So I have a moral dilemma.

I feel like there's more I need to get out, but I can't at this point put anything else down.