Go Home and Be A Family Man

Melissa,
Not only do I love you, but my life with you and our boys! I want to wake up every morning and see all your smiling faces.

But the hurtin' is on me now. Not only are you gone, but so is my life with my boys, and my current financial future.

All this for why? I am the best I've ever been, with the exception of being crazy, in love with you.
You don't love me and so my life is gone.
Now I am a slave to the state, to pay child support and see my children once every two weeks.

I'd rather be dead.
It is bad enough that I had to work 5 days a week, to come home to an empty house and wait for them to come home, and to bed.
Only to see them on weekends.
Only to see you on your days off.

5 for 2 is not worth it.
I want to live with our family every second of every minute of every hour of every day of our lives.

I don't care about hobbies or anything else. I just want us to be a family again.
I miss you, I miss our boys.
I may be able to do the best in my life, but I'm at the lowest point.

I cannot be just your friend. I love you too much. It would hurt me too much to see you and someone else happy. I could not move on. I would not be happy unless you and I are together.
I would see you with someone else, and it would piss me off.

'Why couldn't you be happy that I'm happy with someone else?'
I could, but not if I'm in love with you, I need you to be with me. I would cry every night.
'Why would my happiness piss you off?'
Because you're not happy with me.

'Why are you this way?'
Because this is the craziness that is love. Knowing that I love you and you could never love me back is murder to me. It is so important. So very, very important.

Screaming at the window. Watch me die, another day.
Hopeless situation, endless price I have to pay.
Sanity, now it's beyond me. I will always love you. There's no choice.
Diary, of a madman. Walk the line, again today.
Entries of confusion. Dear diary, I'm here to stay.
Sanity, now it's beyond me. I will always love you. No matter long I stay, I will always love you. No matter words I say, I will always love you, there's no choice.
And now we're all on our own again.
You make me feel like I'm whole again.
Voices in the darkness, scream away my mental health.
Can I ask a question? To help me save me, from myself.
Sanity now it's beyond me, I will always love you. There's no choice.

or is it... ?

Screaming, at the window. Watch me die, another day.
Hopeless, situation. Endless price, I have to pay.
Sanity now it's beyond me, there's no choice.

Diary, of a madman. Walk the line again today. Entries of confusion.
Dear Diary, I'm here to stay.
Manic depression befriends me, hear his voice.
Sanity now it's beyond me, there's no choice!

A sickened mind a spirit. the mirror tells me lies.
Could I mistake myself for someone who lived behind my eyes?
Will he escape my soul, or will he live in me?
Is he trying to get out, or trying to enter me?

Voices in the darkness, scream away my mental health. Can I ask a question? To help me save me, from myself.

Enemies fill up the pages, are they me?
Monday 'till Sunday in stages, Set me free..


Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am home again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am whole again.

Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am young again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am fun again.

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again.

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you


I'm alone, sitting with my broken glass.
My four walls follow me through my past.
I was on a paris train, i emerged in london rain
and you were waiting there swimming through apologies.

Sorry.

I remember searching for the perfect words. I was hoping you might change your mind. I remember a soldier standing next to me. Riding on the metro.

I was smiling as you took my hand
Saw the moon we spoke in France
You were passed as shallow words
It isn't passed there's still a hurt
You were passed as shallow words
Years have passed there's still a hurt
I can see it now, smiling as you pulled away

Sorry..

I remember the letter wrinkled in my hand
"I’ll love you always" filled my eyes
I remember the night we walked along the Seine
Riding on the metro

I remember a feeling coming over me
The soldier turned and walked away
Fuck you, for loving me!


When you were here before.
I couldn't look you in the eyes.
You're just like an angel. You skin makes me cry.
You float like a feather, in a beautiful world.
I wish I was special. You're so fucking special.
But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo.
What the fuck am I doing here? I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body.
I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice, when I'm dead.

You're so fucking special. I wish I were special.
But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here,
when I don't belong here.
No.

She's running back again.
She's run, run, run, running.
Running.

Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want.
You're so fucking special. I wish I was special.
I'm a creep.
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.
No.

These eyes, cry every night for you.
These arms, long to hold you again.
The hurtin's on me yeah. I will never be free now.
You made a promise to me, yeah. You broke it.

These eyes, watched you bring my world to an end.
This heart, could not accept and pretend.
The hurtin's on me yeah. I will never be free no.
You took the vow with me yeah, you spoke it.

These eyes, are crying
These eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they're never gonna see another one like I had with you

But I suppose now I should return to the letter.
I feel like half a life isn't a life worth living.
To see my children once every two weeks.
to pay tons of money, to see them half the time.
When I would gladly live with and love their mother.

There is no greater hell I have suffered.

Love me or kill me. My plan was to be a family man.

Feelin' Good

Yesterday,
I went to the SCA fight night at Encanto. It was my first time.
I saw Melissa's boyfriend (i think, it could've been another huge blonde blob).
But I didn't do anything.
After I left appx. 8:11 pm
I wasn't going to call Melissa, or talk to her, or anything.
I started feeling lonely so I drove by her work. I wasn't sure if I'd go in.
My old boss was outside, so I was boned.
Anyway, I went inside, we hugged.
She told me she wants a long term relationship with brom.
That hurt.
I crushed a waterbottle against a wall, and damaged my thumb.
Later that evening, I felt like a weight had been lifted.
Today I feel good. Like I can move on now.

3 Years Ago, Today

Three years ago today, marks the start of my relationship with Melissa.
I remember our first date. We saw the movie 'Hero' starring Jet Li, and ate at Eatza Pizza because we were both without jobs.

How much things have changed in three years.

I hurt, I do.
She hurts too.

I'm going to try to watch some funny movies. Try to get my mind off of it.
I miss them so...

As Of Today

I'm living at my dads house.

Melissa and I are going to work on setting up child support and visitation.

She sent nude pictures of herself to her boyfriend while I was living there.

I am heart broken.

I saw her yesterday, and talked to her last night. She's hurting.

She says she cares for me but doesn't love me. I don't think she knows her feelings 100%

She cried the last two times I talked to her.



She's really close with Brom.



Can I expect her to stick through it? No.

Would I like her to? Yes.



I still love her. But I can't do that, say that, think that, anymore.

I have to heal.

If there will be a relationship in the future, it will have to be after we've both healed. Maybe even moved on.

In order for our friendship to work, we have to forgive each other.

Gabriel has a staff infection. I love my boys so much, and I miss them. I wish I could spend every waking second with them.

Last Sunday, I saw a pastor who was willing to counsel me, unfortunately he has yet to contact me with availability for today. I don't mind if today isn't good I just want to be kept in the loop.

I went hunting for some single women online, not to date, I'm not ready for that yet. But just to meet them, make some friends. Maybe some LTR later.

I can't stand this. I want to be in control of the situation. I want to stop the pain.
Nothing but time, and this is a bad time.

I moved out

After taking my children to day care, I came home and snooped through Melissa's phone.
She has sent nude pictures of herself to Brom.

I moved out immediately, and told the apartment management that I'm breaking the lease.
I feel for the most part, disrespected. It's fine if she wants to date other people, that's her thing. But when we're still living together, and she knows how I feel, to do that kind of thing, it's just beyond offensive to me.

So much for someone who has morals and an intellectual brain, it seems she's only in it for sex. And this guy Brom doesn't appear to be a catch on any level.
She just wants to go out and have fun and forget about her motherly duties.

I'm very concerned for our children, she's been ignoring them a lot lately. I don't think she's a bad mom, I just think she needs to re-prioritize for the kids.

She told me that she wants me to be their father and doesn't want anyone else to be considered as such. And I told her, that she's going to meet some one that she loves and she will want the children to be a part of their life (I may do the same), and that they are likely to see that person as their father instead perhaps, because they may see him more. If she really felt this way, she should have thought about that before doing those things.

Anyway, I've had the lovely pleasure of being able to discuss at length this whole issue with a friend of mine. She's been really supportive and I really feel good about myself.
I'm fortunate to not have to suffer this.
Now I can just focus on the kids.

I'm considering joining the Navy....

Transpired Events

Wednesday, September 5^th, 2007

Melissa sent me a text message, telling me she had a migraine.

She also told me, that our children, Gabriel and Xachary had broken a very thick drinking glass.

Xachary received two cuts on his left arm.

Gabriel had taken the toilet brush, and a bottle of shampoo and started to clean the toilet with it, when Xachary started to interfere, Gabriel proceeded to soak Xachary in the toilet water.

Upon arriving at home, I discovered the boys, locked in their room, spraying each other with a bottle of fantastik oxy. They were both soaked.

Friday, September 07^th, 2007

I awoke around 8:00 am, and discovered that my boys, too were awake. I proceeded to wake Melissa and I requested her help in cleaning the boys, they had leaked through their diapers.

At 8:25 am I proceeded to leave for work, Melissa had decided to continue sleeping and let the boys roll around on the floor of the bedroom until 10:00 am.

This day, was different from others, in that Melissa had to be to work at a much earlier time, our normal baby sitter would not be able to watch them until 3:00pm. We had decided previously that a mutual friend, Monica, would watch the boys until 3:00 pm when Melissa would pick them up and take them to the sitter.

At approximately 1:15 pm, I called Monica and she told me that Xachary was covered in blue ink that would not wash out. There were blue marks on his face and his hands were completely covered in blue ink.

She also explained to me, that Gabriel’s rash is very severe and we need to take him to a doctor. Unfortunately I do not have the capability to take him to the doctor during the week days, I have requested Melissa take him a number of times, but it still hasn’t been done.

Earlier that Morning, Melissa had told me she’d be going to bed at 1:45 am, but to my knowledge she did not go to sleep until at least past 2:00 am.

In my observation, Melissa feels it’s more important to spend all hours of the night talking to guys on AOL Instant Messenger than it is to wake up early and take care of our children.

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