Sunday, September 30, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Feel Good
Today, I was on the phones for the first time.
I did really well, from what I've been told, I feel like I did well enough anyway.
They have a 'coach' (a tech 1 with rights) y-jack with you for the calls, to make sure you don't mess up, and if you do, they'll just click over and take control.
Fortunately, nobody had to do that.
Looking back at my last blog entry, it seems like I'm really obsessive over Melissa.
Maybe I am.
I talked to her on a break today, and it turns out that yeah, she was really pissed at me for going to her place and crying. Jesus, it's only been a couple of weeks.
Anyway, I feel like I am moving on, maybe I'm just tricking myself by acting that way, but I feel like I'm healing.
I've talked to some people and I'm starting to feel like I'm not up against a wall anymore.
Someone I met at work, split up with his ex a couple years ago, and they had a kid together. Reason being was that she found christ and no longer wanted to live with him... kind of a bullshit answer, but I can look at him, and I see that he is financially successful, he seems pretty cool, and he moved on with his life. His kid is now four years old.
Also, I talked to a girl, she's probably going to read this, but I had a really fun conversation with her, and that kind of made me realize too, that just because my plans didn't go over like I hoped, that I can still have fun with other people. It was pretty cool too, because I didn't mention my ex.
Or at least, not that I can remember, anyway.
Anyway, like always, you feel like maybe you need to censor yourself, when you know the people who're reading what you're saying, so I think maybe I'll do that for now.
Anyway, I had dinner with my mom at Qdobas... it's a mexican food place, it's not fast food, but it ain't slow either, nor is it cheap. Imagine if you would, if the mexicans at Tokyo Express made mexican food, and charged higher prices. That's what it reminded me of.
Anyway, after dinner I drove her home (all the way out to MESA!) and drove back to my dads.
Well, it's late for me, so I'm going to end this prematurely, good night and good luck!
I did really well, from what I've been told, I feel like I did well enough anyway.
They have a 'coach' (a tech 1 with rights) y-jack with you for the calls, to make sure you don't mess up, and if you do, they'll just click over and take control.
Fortunately, nobody had to do that.
Looking back at my last blog entry, it seems like I'm really obsessive over Melissa.
Maybe I am.
I talked to her on a break today, and it turns out that yeah, she was really pissed at me for going to her place and crying. Jesus, it's only been a couple of weeks.
Anyway, I feel like I am moving on, maybe I'm just tricking myself by acting that way, but I feel like I'm healing.
I've talked to some people and I'm starting to feel like I'm not up against a wall anymore.
Someone I met at work, split up with his ex a couple years ago, and they had a kid together. Reason being was that she found christ and no longer wanted to live with him... kind of a bullshit answer, but I can look at him, and I see that he is financially successful, he seems pretty cool, and he moved on with his life. His kid is now four years old.
Also, I talked to a girl, she's probably going to read this, but I had a really fun conversation with her, and that kind of made me realize too, that just because my plans didn't go over like I hoped, that I can still have fun with other people. It was pretty cool too, because I didn't mention my ex.
Or at least, not that I can remember, anyway.
Anyway, like always, you feel like maybe you need to censor yourself, when you know the people who're reading what you're saying, so I think maybe I'll do that for now.
Anyway, I had dinner with my mom at Qdobas... it's a mexican food place, it's not fast food, but it ain't slow either, nor is it cheap. Imagine if you would, if the mexicans at Tokyo Express made mexican food, and charged higher prices. That's what it reminded me of.
Anyway, after dinner I drove her home (all the way out to MESA!) and drove back to my dads.
Well, it's late for me, so I'm going to end this prematurely, good night and good luck!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Counseling
Yes, I'm being Counseled by a Pastor.
It's not so bad, in fact it might just be what I needed.
I'm a little wary though.
I'm afraid he might be trying to entice me into religion with promises of bringing my love back to me.
When I put it like that, sure it sounds bad.
We were talking, and I told him that I didn't want to cling to a hope that Melissa might return to me, it would cause me too much pain.
He asked me, 'What is hope?'
To which, I replied 'A wish, a prayer.'
'Those are good, but did you ever consider that hope relies on some external force to somehow change things towards your favor. Unlike Faith, in which you have a goal and you work towards it.'
'So, you're implying if I have faith, I may once again have my family back?'
'Yes.'
I am at a weak point in my life, where my feelings and thoughts could possibly be swayed easier than I'd like. Because I'm aware of this, perhaps I'm stronger. He thinks joining the Navy would be a good idea.
As it would provide structure, and self discipline.
Things I would like very much to have, and it would guarantee my children have money and insurance. Very important things.
I am beginning to suspect perhaps Melissa is doing some things to intentionally get under my skin.
For years, whenever she dyed her hair, I suggested Red, because I thought it'd be sexy.
Sunday she died her hair red, because Brom thought it'd be sexy.
Today, she told me she was going to be treating brom to steaks, and she knows I love steaks.
I think maybe she's trying to get a reaction out of me. Even if she isn't, I'm certain she knows about these things.
I'm not going to give in to anger.
Today was Melissa's birthday. I called her to wish her happy birthday, and asked when I could see my boys again, she said Saturday. I also apologized for going to her house on Sunday, and sobbing.
she apparently is very upset with me for doing that. I don't understand why. She didn't care to talk about it then.
She apparently had Brom meet her parents.
I don't know what's going on, but from my point of view, it looks like again, she's either trying to get a rise out of me, or is trying to push memories of me away with this new guy.
It's not really my business to know what she did down to a T, but this is what she told me.
I don't remember asking what in detail.
I'd be lying to say I don't still love her a little, but I feel like I am getting over it. If you disagree, please tell me.
It's not so bad, in fact it might just be what I needed.
I'm a little wary though.
I'm afraid he might be trying to entice me into religion with promises of bringing my love back to me.
When I put it like that, sure it sounds bad.
We were talking, and I told him that I didn't want to cling to a hope that Melissa might return to me, it would cause me too much pain.
He asked me, 'What is hope?'
To which, I replied 'A wish, a prayer.'
'Those are good, but did you ever consider that hope relies on some external force to somehow change things towards your favor. Unlike Faith, in which you have a goal and you work towards it.'
'So, you're implying if I have faith, I may once again have my family back?'
'Yes.'
I am at a weak point in my life, where my feelings and thoughts could possibly be swayed easier than I'd like. Because I'm aware of this, perhaps I'm stronger. He thinks joining the Navy would be a good idea.
As it would provide structure, and self discipline.
Things I would like very much to have, and it would guarantee my children have money and insurance. Very important things.
I am beginning to suspect perhaps Melissa is doing some things to intentionally get under my skin.
For years, whenever she dyed her hair, I suggested Red, because I thought it'd be sexy.
Sunday she died her hair red, because Brom thought it'd be sexy.
Today, she told me she was going to be treating brom to steaks, and she knows I love steaks.
I think maybe she's trying to get a reaction out of me. Even if she isn't, I'm certain she knows about these things.
I'm not going to give in to anger.
Today was Melissa's birthday. I called her to wish her happy birthday, and asked when I could see my boys again, she said Saturday. I also apologized for going to her house on Sunday, and sobbing.
she apparently is very upset with me for doing that. I don't understand why. She didn't care to talk about it then.
She apparently had Brom meet her parents.
I don't know what's going on, but from my point of view, it looks like again, she's either trying to get a rise out of me, or is trying to push memories of me away with this new guy.
It's not really my business to know what she did down to a T, but this is what she told me.
I don't remember asking what in detail.
I'd be lying to say I don't still love her a little, but I feel like I am getting over it. If you disagree, please tell me.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Love
'it can't possibly work.'
'I don't love you.'
'I committed myself to you for three years.'
I always said, that love is more than a feeling.
It is a commitment to another person.
She doesn't want to 'work it out.'
I've decided to join the navy.
I have a lot of things to do to get there.
I cannot have the life that I wanted, as a family man.
'Well what about meeting someone else, and starting with them?'
I cannot love now.
She doesn't exist any longer, to me.
I do not intend on seeing my kids again.
Why work your ass off to see your children so little?
When I come home from work, I want them to rush to me, to hold me.
I don't want to come home to an empty house.
I want to see my children every day.
I cannot.
I feel like my life isn't worth living if I can't have it the way I want it.
One life, one love.
Love is the answer, love a higher ground.
I have no time for love.
I cannot be the father to my children.
I am free now. Free to do what I want to do. As long as it isn't a life with her.
My Grandfather was in the Navy, and he was stationed in Japan.
My Father was in the Marines, and he was stationed in Japan.
My Grandfather had children with a woman and it didn't work out.
My Father had children with a woman and it didn't work out.
My Grandfather was a first born child and he had two boys.
My Father was a first born child and he had two boys.
I was a first born child and I had two boys.
I can always change my mind.
'I don't love you.'
'I committed myself to you for three years.'
I always said, that love is more than a feeling.
It is a commitment to another person.
She doesn't want to 'work it out.'
I've decided to join the navy.
I have a lot of things to do to get there.
I cannot have the life that I wanted, as a family man.
'Well what about meeting someone else, and starting with them?'
I cannot love now.
She doesn't exist any longer, to me.
I do not intend on seeing my kids again.
Why work your ass off to see your children so little?
When I come home from work, I want them to rush to me, to hold me.
I don't want to come home to an empty house.
I want to see my children every day.
I cannot.
I feel like my life isn't worth living if I can't have it the way I want it.
One life, one love.
Love is the answer, love a higher ground.
I have no time for love.
I cannot be the father to my children.
I am free now. Free to do what I want to do. As long as it isn't a life with her.
My Grandfather was in the Navy, and he was stationed in Japan.
My Father was in the Marines, and he was stationed in Japan.
My Grandfather had children with a woman and it didn't work out.
My Father had children with a woman and it didn't work out.
My Grandfather was a first born child and he had two boys.
My Father was a first born child and he had two boys.
I was a first born child and I had two boys.
I can always change my mind.
My Life
Without my children, my love, or my goals, I hardly see the point to living. Perhaps it's my own fault one of the bricks on the foundation of my life fell free.
Go Home and Be A Family Man
Melissa,
Not only do I love you, but my life with you and our boys! I want to wake up every morning and see all your smiling faces.
But the hurtin' is on me now. Not only are you gone, but so is my life with my boys, and my current financial future.
All this for why? I am the best I've ever been, with the exception of being crazy, in love with you.
You don't love me and so my life is gone.
Now I am a slave to the state, to pay child support and see my children once every two weeks.
I'd rather be dead.
It is bad enough that I had to work 5 days a week, to come home to an empty house and wait for them to come home, and to bed.
Only to see them on weekends.
Only to see you on your days off.
5 for 2 is not worth it.
I want to live with our family every second of every minute of every hour of every day of our lives.
I don't care about hobbies or anything else. I just want us to be a family again.
I miss you, I miss our boys.
I may be able to do the best in my life, but I'm at the lowest point.
I cannot be just your friend. I love you too much. It would hurt me too much to see you and someone else happy. I could not move on. I would not be happy unless you and I are together.
I would see you with someone else, and it would piss me off.
'Why couldn't you be happy that I'm happy with someone else?'
I could, but not if I'm in love with you, I need you to be with me. I would cry every night.
'Why would my happiness piss you off?'
Because you're not happy with me.
'Why are you this way?'
Because this is the craziness that is love. Knowing that I love you and you could never love me back is murder to me. It is so important. So very, very important.
Screaming at the window. Watch me die, another day.
Hopeless situation, endless price I have to pay.
Sanity, now it's beyond me. I will always love you. There's no choice.
Diary, of a madman. Walk the line, again today.
Entries of confusion. Dear diary, I'm here to stay.
Sanity, now it's beyond me. I will always love you. No matter long I stay, I will always love you. No matter words I say, I will always love you, there's no choice.
And now we're all on our own again.
You make me feel like I'm whole again.
Voices in the darkness, scream away my mental health.
Can I ask a question? To help me save me, from myself.
Sanity now it's beyond me, I will always love you. There's no choice.
or is it... ?
Screaming, at the window. Watch me die, another day.
Hopeless, situation. Endless price, I have to pay.
Sanity now it's beyond me, there's no choice.
Diary, of a madman. Walk the line again today. Entries of confusion.
Dear Diary, I'm here to stay.
Manic depression befriends me, hear his voice.
Sanity now it's beyond me, there's no choice!
A sickened mind a spirit. the mirror tells me lies.
Could I mistake myself for someone who lived behind my eyes?
Will he escape my soul, or will he live in me?
Is he trying to get out, or trying to enter me?
Voices in the darkness, scream away my mental health. Can I ask a question? To help me save me, from myself.
Enemies fill up the pages, are they me?
Monday 'till Sunday in stages, Set me free..
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am home again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am whole again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am young again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am fun again.
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again.
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
I'm alone, sitting with my broken glass.
My four walls follow me through my past.
I was on a paris train, i emerged in london rain
and you were waiting there swimming through apologies.
Sorry.
I remember searching for the perfect words. I was hoping you might change your mind. I remember a soldier standing next to me. Riding on the metro.
I feel like half a life isn't a life worth living.
To see my children once every two weeks.
to pay tons of money, to see them half the time.
When I would gladly live with and love their mother.
There is no greater hell I have suffered.
Love me or kill me. My plan was to be a family man.
Not only do I love you, but my life with you and our boys! I want to wake up every morning and see all your smiling faces.
But the hurtin' is on me now. Not only are you gone, but so is my life with my boys, and my current financial future.
All this for why? I am the best I've ever been, with the exception of being crazy, in love with you.
You don't love me and so my life is gone.
Now I am a slave to the state, to pay child support and see my children once every two weeks.
I'd rather be dead.
It is bad enough that I had to work 5 days a week, to come home to an empty house and wait for them to come home, and to bed.
Only to see them on weekends.
Only to see you on your days off.
5 for 2 is not worth it.
I want to live with our family every second of every minute of every hour of every day of our lives.
I don't care about hobbies or anything else. I just want us to be a family again.
I miss you, I miss our boys.
I may be able to do the best in my life, but I'm at the lowest point.
I cannot be just your friend. I love you too much. It would hurt me too much to see you and someone else happy. I could not move on. I would not be happy unless you and I are together.
I would see you with someone else, and it would piss me off.
'Why couldn't you be happy that I'm happy with someone else?'
I could, but not if I'm in love with you, I need you to be with me. I would cry every night.
'Why would my happiness piss you off?'
Because you're not happy with me.
'Why are you this way?'
Because this is the craziness that is love. Knowing that I love you and you could never love me back is murder to me. It is so important. So very, very important.
Screaming at the window. Watch me die, another day.
Hopeless situation, endless price I have to pay.
Sanity, now it's beyond me. I will always love you. There's no choice.
Diary, of a madman. Walk the line, again today.
Entries of confusion. Dear diary, I'm here to stay.
Sanity, now it's beyond me. I will always love you. No matter long I stay, I will always love you. No matter words I say, I will always love you, there's no choice.
And now we're all on our own again.
You make me feel like I'm whole again.
Voices in the darkness, scream away my mental health.
Can I ask a question? To help me save me, from myself.
Sanity now it's beyond me, I will always love you. There's no choice.
or is it... ?
Screaming, at the window. Watch me die, another day.
Hopeless, situation. Endless price, I have to pay.
Sanity now it's beyond me, there's no choice.
Diary, of a madman. Walk the line again today. Entries of confusion.
Dear Diary, I'm here to stay.
Manic depression befriends me, hear his voice.
Sanity now it's beyond me, there's no choice!
A sickened mind a spirit. the mirror tells me lies.
Could I mistake myself for someone who lived behind my eyes?
Will he escape my soul, or will he live in me?
Is he trying to get out, or trying to enter me?
Voices in the darkness, scream away my mental health. Can I ask a question? To help me save me, from myself.
Enemies fill up the pages, are they me?
Monday 'till Sunday in stages, Set me free..
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am home again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am whole again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am young again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am fun again.
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again.
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
I'm alone, sitting with my broken glass.
My four walls follow me through my past.
I was on a paris train, i emerged in london rain
and you were waiting there swimming through apologies.
Sorry.
I remember searching for the perfect words. I was hoping you might change your mind. I remember a soldier standing next to me. Riding on the metro.
I was smiling as you took my handBut I suppose now I should return to the letter.
Saw the moon we spoke in France
You were passed as shallow words
It isn't passed there's still a hurt
You were passed as shallow words
Years have passed there's still a hurt
I can see it now, smiling as you pulled away
Sorry..
I remember the letter wrinkled in my hand
"I’ll love you always" filled my eyes
I remember the night we walked along the Seine
Riding on the metro
I remember a feeling coming over me
The soldier turned and walked away
Fuck you, for loving me!
When you were here before.
I couldn't look you in the eyes.
You're just like an angel. You skin makes me cry.
You float like a feather, in a beautiful world.
I wish I was special. You're so fucking special.
But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo.
What the fuck am I doing here? I don't belong here.
I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body.
I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice, when I'm dead.
You're so fucking special. I wish I were special.
But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here,
when I don't belong here.
No.
She's running back again.
She's run, run, run, running.
Running.
Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want.
You're so fucking special. I wish I was special.
I'm a creep.
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.
No.
These eyes, cry every night for you.
These arms, long to hold you again.
The hurtin's on me yeah. I will never be free now.
You made a promise to me, yeah. You broke it.
These eyes, watched you bring my world to an end.
This heart, could not accept and pretend.
The hurtin's on me yeah. I will never be free no.
You took the vow with me yeah, you spoke it.
These eyes, are crying
These eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they're never gonna see another one like I had with you
I feel like half a life isn't a life worth living.
To see my children once every two weeks.
to pay tons of money, to see them half the time.
When I would gladly live with and love their mother.
There is no greater hell I have suffered.
Love me or kill me. My plan was to be a family man.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Feelin' Good
Yesterday,
I went to the SCA fight night at Encanto. It was my first time.
I saw Melissa's boyfriend (i think, it could've been another huge blonde blob).
But I didn't do anything.
After I left appx. 8:11 pm
I wasn't going to call Melissa, or talk to her, or anything.
I started feeling lonely so I drove by her work. I wasn't sure if I'd go in.
My old boss was outside, so I was boned.
Anyway, I went inside, we hugged.
She told me she wants a long term relationship with brom.
That hurt.
I crushed a waterbottle against a wall, and damaged my thumb.
Later that evening, I felt like a weight had been lifted.
Today I feel good. Like I can move on now.
I went to the SCA fight night at Encanto. It was my first time.
I saw Melissa's boyfriend (i think, it could've been another huge blonde blob).
But I didn't do anything.
After I left appx. 8:11 pm
I wasn't going to call Melissa, or talk to her, or anything.
I started feeling lonely so I drove by her work. I wasn't sure if I'd go in.
My old boss was outside, so I was boned.
Anyway, I went inside, we hugged.
She told me she wants a long term relationship with brom.
That hurt.
I crushed a waterbottle against a wall, and damaged my thumb.
Later that evening, I felt like a weight had been lifted.
Today I feel good. Like I can move on now.
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