A History Lesson

When I was a young child, I saw my parents having sex.
This statement is one that could be said by many of us. However I'm not certain how many of us could say that one of our parents was looking at pornography while doing it.

This image has haunted me for a long time. Not just because it's my parents, but because of what is involved in the image.

Sex, is supposed to be an expression of love. Is it love when your partner would rather look at a magazine while performing?

What kind of person would allow themselves to be subjected to this kind of humility?
I don't know what is worse...

I do know that since I was a child I have been looking at pornography. However my parents do not hold the blame for my problem entirely. It is also my own, I have neglected seeking help for a long time.

Today, I've looked up a twelve step program.
Recoveries Anonymous...
It seems very promising and I'm going to go to a store and try to find out more information, perhaps I will attend local meetings.

In the meantime, I'm still looking for a job, trying to help my ex as best as I can with childcare, and trying to assess my life.

As many of you do, I look at this world with disgust. I look at myself with disgust.
And I can't help but feel like it's impossible.
What's impossible you ask? The Human race.

Morality has been drip-drip-dripping down the drain for a long time now, in America. As I understand it in other countries, nudity is quite popular publicly.


I just hate it, I hate it all, I hate you, I hate me, I hate.

There's a few songs that can sing my hate, one of them I've enjoyed quite recently.
The Grouch, by Green Day.

"I was a young boy that had big plans."

All my plans of school, of college... delayed indefinitely.
Why? Because I didn't use a condom. 'That's not going to happen to me.'
Because I have the moral integrity to stay by my woman, when I made love to her, I said damn the consequences. Now they've damned me, and I'm willingly paying for it.
I don't regret having children, I regret having them early.

"Now I'm just another shitty old man."
I relate to this because I have failed my children. As a father, as a parent...
But I can still try, it is not all lost.

"I don't have fun and I hate everything."
I do, I absolutely do hate everything. I hate this website, I hate all websites, I hate the internet, I hate computers, videogames, books, science, sex, porn, cussing, living, dying, Republicans, Democrats, The President, Iran, Iraq, you name it, I hate it.
Do I have fun? Well, I suppose I am entertained for short periods, but I wouldn't say I'm having fun.

"The World owes me, so fuck you."
This is quite clearly a representation of greed. Unfortunately, despite my hate, and my anger, I am rendered powerless to do anything. Even when people intentionally anger me. I still smile, and treat them with the respect they deserve as human beings. If not because of their actions, then because of what they were born as. I play the better man, and lose.

"I've decomposed and my gut's getting fat"
I am decomposing, morally. And, to be honest, my gut is getting a little flabbier, I suppose that's a good thing considering I'm fairly skinny....

"Oh God I'm Turning Out Like My Dad"
You may have noticed there's emphasis in that line. It's because I do feel like I'm turning into my father. Whether he's willing to admit it or not, pornography has hurt the people he loves/loved in his life. It's hurt my mom, It's hurt my brother, It's hurt me, but most of all it hurt him.

But anyway, I figure you're probably pissed off by now about my boring ass relation to a song you've probably never heard anyway.

I just wish that one day, one day soon, I could wake up, and feel comforted that the world has finally realized it's not as important as it thinks, and that without a driving purpose that's clear, beyond "Survive, Reproduce, and Live Comfortably" that the human race is pointless.

I'm sure at this point you're all feeling like I'm just another one of those idiots who is depressed all the time.
I'm not depressed all the time, I'm just going through a rough patch.
but fuck you anyway.