Interesting Developments

A million things to say, since I've been neglecting my diary.

Let's start with the 'good' stuff.
So, I went out with my ex to see spiderman three.
It was a great movie, we had a fun time together.
After the movie, we went to pick up our kids.
It was alright, her friend let them borrow some clothes because they needed baths...


Anyway, after we arrived at her place, she was telling me that I had to buy some baby food for our sons. I normally wouldn't mind except, I have no job, and I may not have a lot of money come next week. Or After even.
She saw this as me refusing to accept my responsibilities as a parent. I didn't say 'I'm not ever going to buy food, I expect you to do it.' I just said that I'm going to be having a tough time. I'm not even sure if it's a good idea for me to be around the children at this point.
Anyway, she took it like I was shirking my responsibilities... I lost my head and threw down my bills at the ground. I also grunted quite loudly.

Anyway, I told her that I wasn't ready to talk just yet. I've been having a really hard time. I love her, I love our sons. I love them so much. I just feel like a complete and utter loser. Maybe that's what I am. Can I turn myself around? I don't know unless I try. Is it worth trying?

Anyway, we continued fighting and yelling, she said she didn't want me to go near her, when I went near her to talk to her, then she drove around and put the kids in the apartment.
Then came back, and demanded I give her my set of the apartment keys. I said I wasn't ready yet, and that I'd give them back when I was ready. She demanded that she have them right then and there.
Which made me feel even more like a loser. I just wanted to kill myself. I didn't want to see the light of day anymore. It is so painful to know every day that I have let not only myself down, but my family.
To look in to my children's faces... to see them smiling... It hurts. They have no clue what is going on. They miss their mother, they miss me... I hate this. Who's fault is it? It's my own. But I need to talk to someone. She doesn't want to talk to me.


Not like I can blame her, but she wanted to be friends. I don't know if she still does. I want to try to get back together. But how can I get back together with her when I can barely hold myself together?

Anyway, back on topic, she got the keys, and went back inside. I followed her and knocked on the door. She told me to go away. I asked for my phone and my charger (I am currently paying phone service for three phones, her sister has one, she has one, and I have one). I understand that I bought the phone with the service. I signed a contract with T-Mobile and they gave ME discounted prices on their phones because of it.

Anyway, she said she would, but she had to delete the names off of it first.

Instead of immediately deleting the names/numbers she called some one. After waiting patiently for anywhere between 10-20 minutes I decided to knock on the door again. There was no answer. So then I decided maybe I'd tap the window if she couldn't hear the door knocker. There was no answer. So then I decided to call. It immediately clicked off, showing that either the phone was in use or that she turned off the phone. I called back a second later and it rang a full amount, to voice mail. Clearly her phone was not off. She called me back, and told me that she called the cops and that she didn't want to talk to me. I begged her to talk to me, because I was feeling suicidal, sad, depressed, angry....
I told her that she didn't have to come outside, that I just wanted to talk and we can do that over the phone. She told me that my behavior frightened her and that she didn't want to talk. She insisted she was going to delete the names off of her phone and give it to me. I told her not to bother because I was leaving. I walked towards my car, and entered it. It was there that she told me she didn't care about me at all.
My behavior totally disappointed her. That I was not a real man. I came to her asking her for help. I apologized for my previous behavior. She still was not satisfied.
Earlier in the week I had sacrificed my day to help her, I need to find a job, and she needed to get day care in-line, get groceries, and get a car situation figured out.
I took her to the DES facility, I took her to the Daycare facility, I took her to get groceries, and I watched our children while she figured out a car situation.
I told her the day before that my aim was to go job-hunting that day and that I could probably only help her with getting to DES and back. She didn't ask for my help, and I do not expect anything in return, I'm just taking this time to point out, that she needed help, and I helped her. Not because I wanted to look good, but because I love her, because I love our children.

Anyway, I'm highly anticipating receiving some materials to help my addiction in the mail.
I've also ordered some books I'm a fan of, the 'Apprentice Adept' series by Piers Anthony... Also, Stubbs the Zombie soundtrack (less than five bucks!). So Monday should be interesting. I know you're probably reading this, thinking 'he can buy his bullshit books and cd's but can't afford food for his kids?' but I didn't say I couldn't buy them, I just said that I didn't know. I needed to give more thought into the area than I could have put forth at that moment. I've done the necessary calculations, and I should be able to afford it. Another note worthy thing, was that I thought that since we had gotten the foodstamps together she STILL considered them to be our foodstamps. She said last friday she went down to DES and changed that.
I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that I had asked her about things she had done, and she had not mentioned that.
I also know that she was in a bind that friday morning to find a copy machine to copy the immunization records for our children. I highly doubt she went down to the DES office and waited for an appointment. She might have filled out a change sheet but it would NOT have been effective on that Friday.

So she's lied to me again. So what, big deal, not like I didn't lie to her in the past. But I was covering up an addiction. Not that it excuses me from being equally as wrong. Addictions are horrible, I should have told her about my problem instead of lying to her. I admit this.
However I must note that it is in the nature of a person who is addicted to something that is hurting them and has the potential to hurt others, to lie about it. I have a problem, I do not lie about it. It is just as much of an addiction as cigarette smoking, alcoholism, or other commonly abused substances.

Companies every where have programs to help people who are addicted to substances. To help employees who are addicted. Of course they made them so that they don't get sued for firing someone with a problem, but the fact is, they exist.
I'm not saying, I'm special because I'm addicted. No, I think every one should have the option to receive help when they need it. Unfortunately not everyone has the choice to become addicted.

What else is going on with me? I can't say much else, other than list things I've been doing to make myself feel happier than I really am. Yay false happiness...

Things I've been doing to keep myself from killing myself:
Looking at porn (although I haven't since the most recent drama, but I do feel that almost ever present itch bearing down on me).
Playing Video Games.
Shopping Online (I found out I can get an ipod mini (4gig) for about 60-70 bucks).
Smoking Cigarettes.
Watching Carlos Mencia (aka Ned Mencia).

Everytime I see Carlos now, I just think... man this guy has it right...
I saw his comedy show on the uncut portion of Comedy Central and it was hilarious, yet thought provoking.
Anyway, pray for me. I'm afraid I really did ruin my life this time. Why not just end it? Because I want to salvage it.