Things I shouldn't be doing with people I shouldn't be doing them with.

I have grown close to my friend, and I am excited.

I know it's been a while since I've discussed the porn issue, mostly because I can't remember the last time I viewed pornography with intent.

I have seen it now and then recently, not intentionally, but I'd go to a friends house and they'd having something up, and I'd just ignore it.

I haven't felt upset for a long time now.

It seems this closeness with my friend is helping me keep an upbeat mood.
Just to be clear, we're not having sex or anything, because I know that with a certain amount of secrecy, it always sounds like it's the worst thing possible.
We've just been sharing our thoughts and ideas, a more kind of mental intimacy over physical.

I've been very happy the past few weeks.

At my work, I was nominated for the PBN award, when I told another one of my friends (adam, the drummer in my band) about it he said "You were nominated for the Pretty Bad Nigga award?"
to which I replied "Well, I am a pretty bad nigga."
and he said "No, you didn't win it."

So when I won it, I called him up and said "Guess who's a pretty bad nigga?"

Anyway, Things have just been rocking for me.
Work is going great,
My relationships are going great,
My band is going well,
I have a reliable vehicle,
and I'm saving up to move out.

Although, I do have one sour thing to report.
On Christmas morning, my ex called me, asking for money.
When I hung up on her (Christ, merry christmas to you too!), she got super pissed, but who wants to talk to someone who's all downer on Christmas?
It's freakin' Christmas, for the sake of Christ, cheer the fuck up!

Recent Developments

I traded in both the Honda and the Nissan for a Toyota Avalon.

It's a little older than the Nissan but younger than the Honda.
It's big, like an Impala.

When I practiced for getting my license, I used my Dads Impala (he ended up trading it in for a Saturn Ion), so I'm a little used to driving a bigger car (the Honda was the smallest of the five cars mentioned so far, and I really liked driving a small car).

I had to spend some cash on it though, so I'm a little low this week. I'll be able to survive but being the week before Christmas, there's still some things I want to get.

Anyway, yeah, to address a comment by one of my wonderful readers:
Yes, she's afraid too. I no longer am so afraid, not even sure what it was I was afraid of.
What is she afraid of? is that the next question? Well, to be honest it's not my place to say. She's going through a lot right now.

Anyway, things are going well for me.

Hints.

I miss my friend.

Felt so close the last time we held each other.

I was afraid.

What's Going On.

A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

Couple of weeks ago my Nissan broke down, needs the clutch replaced.

We used my Uncles Triple A to get it towed, they give the first five miles free and charge for every mile thereafter about $5.

My Uncle thought the shop he had it worked on was on 19th Ave and Glendale, so we got to 19th ave and Glendale and low and behold it was not there but at 19th Ave and Bethany Home.

I forget the name of the place, but they were absolutely outrageous with prices, they wanted $1200!!

I spoke with one of my friends who spoke with her dad who is also a mechanic, and a job like that should cost no more than $600.

Anyway, right now the Nissan is sitting outside of my Grandparents house, waiting to be worked on.

But here's the good news, the police recovered my old honda.
We picked it up from the tow yard, and we were fortunate that it was able to run!
The bumper was removed, and they stole the speakers, whoever stole it had to leave it in a hurry because they left their lunch and a lighter on the seat. I'm guessing someone got into a car accident with it and then ran.

I'm hoping to sell the vehicle on craigslist.

Anyway, I'm fairly ticked off with my family over the whole Nissan thing. My Grandmother wanted to lend me money with interest to get it fixed.
I can't afford that!

Hopefully with the sale of my Honda I will be able to pay for the repairs on the Nissan and help myself get into an apartment and purchase myself some much needed furniture and kitchen utensils.

and groceries.

Wark:

Today, I sent in my tips and tricks for a better talk time and work time to the rest of my team. my supervisor and I worked on it, and I feel really good about it. I feel like I'm making a difference and that a lot of people are going to benefit from it.

I can't help but feel a little proud though, because this is my first tech job, I have very little professional experience. Although I was trained for this job, I still have limited phone experience.

I have to do my best to keep from getting a big head.


Other Fronts:

My boys are just as cute as ever, Xachary walks and Gabriel talks, they're just the cutest little boys ever. I love them and I miss them. Once I have myself a vehicle I'm going to get myself some printouts of pictures to hang up on my walls at work.

Melissa and I are amicable, which was what I was aiming for really. I don't want to be super best pals and I don't want to be enemies. It's kind of difficult for me to talk to her, because I don't want to tell her some stuff. Mostly because I don't really know who she is anymore and I'm not too interested in getting to know.

I've been talking to someone I really like, and from what I gather she really likes me too. But she thinks that I may just be confused and crushing on her. I don't know though, because I have some really good reasons for liking her, and it wasn't so much of a decision to like her as it was 'I'm starting to feel this way: why?' Perhaps there is a little bit of confusion, but I'd like to know who doesn't like someone and isn't confused by them, at least a little bit. But I'll try not to talk too much on this subject, you never know who may be reading.

Well, that's all I can feel I can talk about now. I miss someone.

Why does everything seem so overwhelming?

Hello Blog,
It's been a while.
I'm sorry I don't talk to you as much as I used to. I find myself being very busy with all the trouble that's going on. Or just being lazy with new games.

For a long time, I was being a good friend, with one of my friends. Until one time, when she made a joke that I didn't at first realize was a joke.

It made me think.

Think about how much of a waste it's all been.

My friend thinks my ex and I will get back together in the Spring.

I'm so torn on whether or not I'd want to go back.
I miss her, I'm lonely, I want my children to be happy, to live in a clean home, a happy home.

Melissa has been extra friendly to me recently. Which is something I don't quite understand. I figured she'd just want to be amicable, instead of 'how's it going buddy?'

Because I still hurt so much, I push her away. I don't want to hurt anymore.
I'm cold because I love her.

I'm tired of feeling this way, I think part of the reason why I want to be back with her, is so that I can avoid moving out and being on my own.

Misery loves company, and I feel miserable.


I don't even feel like I can talk to her about this. Or anyone really.

Apparently I really pissed off and insulted my friend, by sharing some of my feelings with her. I'm sorry for it.

She told me that perhaps she should distance herself from me, because of some things on her end. Which makes me sad, because she's my friend. I have so few of those.

Anyone else feel like a big ball of disappointment?

Anyway, I got myself a new car, a 1998 Nissan Sentra. It's a gas hog (20 mpg..), but it's wheels. It's a manual transmission too, so I've had the pleasure of learning how to use it.

Today, I picked up my boys and took my mom out, we all had a great time. My boys hadn't seen their grandmother in a while, so they were a little confused, but by the end of the night, they were best pals.

Work is going well. I have really good stats.
I'm still concerned about being late, they're really tough on that. last week I was late coming back from breaks twice in one day, by only a minute.

What a pain!!

Anyway, my supervisor wants me to start teaching other people on how to do their job. So that's pretty cool.

Well, I feel like I've run out of things to talk about.

a few songs I enjoy as of late:

Hurt - Falls Apart

We finish and wish we could start again
Our skin tears away as our memories fade with age
And we don't even know 'til its gone...
But everything just fell apart
'Cause everything just falls apart for me


Queens Of The Stone age - Go With The Flow

She said "i'll throw myself away,
They're just photos after all"
I can't make you hang around.
I can't wash you off my skin.

Falling in and out of love
Something sweet to throw away.
I want something good to die for
To make it beautiful to live.
I want a new mistake,



I like to listen to some sounds that reckon with the pain in me.

Working Towards A New Start

Well, I've heard no word from the police so I've resigned myself to save up money for a new car, within the next two weeks, I should have enough money to get one.

Just last night, I got my own individual phone line, and sent Melissa along with her own phone lines.

I've started up a band and we're having a lot of fun making songs, but since I can't play an instrument, I've been learning to play bass. It's supposed to be fairly easy to learn. I used to be able to play the guitar fairly well, so I should have a very easy time learning to play bass.

Emotionally though, I'm having a very difficult time. I still love her so much. Even though she hurt me so badly.

I can't stand it at all.

I've continued going to counseling, and I think it's helping. I know I really enjoy going.

I don't want to feel like this anymore.
I want my heart to fly again, to sing about the joys of a new love.

Whenever I masturbate, I can't help but think about the last time I had sex. It's completely normal, yes. But also painful.

To think of love lost.

It has been difficult, I won't lie.
To keep from viewing pornography, in the hopes of keeping images of her out.
But as I continue to separate myself from her, I think it will get easier.

I think I'm beginning to get a crush on Christina.
Not a good thing, as she's a friend of a friend, she has a boyfriend, and she's not very faithful to the people she's with.

So take these broken wings, and learn to fly again, learn to love so free.
And when we hear, the angels sing, the book of love will open up and let us in.


Anyway, other than that, things have been ok. The boys are so wonderful. I miss them.

Not having a car has made it difficult to see them.
Anyway, my band and I play mostly funny songs. Original content though. Which is good. I think it's better to play badly and write your own content than to play well and rip everyone off.

My Car Was Stolen

Yeah, it's gone.
I woke up Friday morning, went out to go to work, and it wasn't there.

I called the police, and filed a report.
Still no word on my car.

Today, I'm throwing a party for Xachary.

He turned 1 year old on the Ninth.

Originally, we wanted the whole family to be there, but Melissa is apparently too sick and so is Gabriel, but I think they may go anyway.

Zippo Lighter Trick

I think this is really cool.

My Life as I live it

Things have been changing.
I'm to my schedule at work (7-330). I've been hanging out with friends. I'm looking for a new place to live.

Last Friday, I was hoping to hangout with a friend of mine, Alice, but at the last minute she had to cancel.

So I decided I'd call Max, and see what he was upto.
He wanted to go get coffee and it sounded like a good idea to me so we went to Starbucks and met up with Megan.

I got a phone call from Jennifer, and I asked her if she wanted to hang out too. So Heather and Jennifer both came to Starbucks as well.

If you're curious as to who they are, I met Heather and Jennifer a week before, although I knew Jennifer on myspace. We saw Resdent Evil: Apocalypse (it was enjoyable, but unintentionally funny), met some friends of mine at a supposed party, and went back to their place to play guitar hero, until the wee hours of the morning.

Anyway, from Starbucks, Max, Megan, Heather, Jennifer, and myself continued to Dennys where I proceeded to drink more coffee than I should have. Megan left, and then the four of us decided to head back to Jennifers place, to drink, watch movies, play games, and have fun.

we mostly just played kaboom, a fun little drinking game where you flick a quarter with one hand, drink a beer with that same hand, then pick up the quarter before it stops spinning. Every time you finish a beer you get a 'kaboom' which you can use to stop someone elses quarter from spinning, and force them to drink.
We also saw a movie called the Re-penetrator. A zombie pornography, that was very funny.

the weekend continued that way, drinking, partying, having fun.

Last night I went out with Heather, Jennifer, Max, and I met a new person, named Adam, and we had fun again. They wanted to drink, but I refused to drink more than just one beer, as I have work today.

I'm feeling especially lonely today.

my friend Adam (not the previous one mentioned) was hit by a car on Monday.
his pelvis was broken in three different places and he'll be in a walker for a couple of months.

I wrote him a card, and tried to see him in the hospital, but he left just as I arrived.

Anyway, now I feel really sad. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette.

The Age Of Aquarius

I had an awesome fucking weekend.

Feel Good

Today, I was on the phones for the first time.
I did really well, from what I've been told, I feel like I did well enough anyway.
They have a 'coach' (a tech 1 with rights) y-jack with you for the calls, to make sure you don't mess up, and if you do, they'll just click over and take control.
Fortunately, nobody had to do that.

Looking back at my last blog entry, it seems like I'm really obsessive over Melissa.
Maybe I am.
I talked to her on a break today, and it turns out that yeah, she was really pissed at me for going to her place and crying. Jesus, it's only been a couple of weeks.

Anyway, I feel like I am moving on, maybe I'm just tricking myself by acting that way, but I feel like I'm healing.
I've talked to some people and I'm starting to feel like I'm not up against a wall anymore.
Someone I met at work, split up with his ex a couple years ago, and they had a kid together. Reason being was that she found christ and no longer wanted to live with him... kind of a bullshit answer, but I can look at him, and I see that he is financially successful, he seems pretty cool, and he moved on with his life. His kid is now four years old.

Also, I talked to a girl, she's probably going to read this, but I had a really fun conversation with her, and that kind of made me realize too, that just because my plans didn't go over like I hoped, that I can still have fun with other people. It was pretty cool too, because I didn't mention my ex.
Or at least, not that I can remember, anyway.

Anyway, like always, you feel like maybe you need to censor yourself, when you know the people who're reading what you're saying, so I think maybe I'll do that for now.

Anyway, I had dinner with my mom at Qdobas... it's a mexican food place, it's not fast food, but it ain't slow either, nor is it cheap. Imagine if you would, if the mexicans at Tokyo Express made mexican food, and charged higher prices. That's what it reminded me of.

Anyway, after dinner I drove her home (all the way out to MESA!) and drove back to my dads.
Well, it's late for me, so I'm going to end this prematurely, good night and good luck!

Counseling

Yes, I'm being Counseled by a Pastor.
It's not so bad, in fact it might just be what I needed.

I'm a little wary though.
I'm afraid he might be trying to entice me into religion with promises of bringing my love back to me.

When I put it like that, sure it sounds bad.

We were talking, and I told him that I didn't want to cling to a hope that Melissa might return to me, it would cause me too much pain.

He asked me, 'What is hope?'
To which, I replied 'A wish, a prayer.'
'Those are good, but did you ever consider that hope relies on some external force to somehow change things towards your favor. Unlike Faith, in which you have a goal and you work towards it.'

'So, you're implying if I have faith, I may once again have my family back?'

'Yes.'

I am at a weak point in my life, where my feelings and thoughts could possibly be swayed easier than I'd like. Because I'm aware of this, perhaps I'm stronger. He thinks joining the Navy would be a good idea.
As it would provide structure, and self discipline.

Things I would like very much to have, and it would guarantee my children have money and insurance. Very important things.

I am beginning to suspect perhaps Melissa is doing some things to intentionally get under my skin.
For years, whenever she dyed her hair, I suggested Red, because I thought it'd be sexy.
Sunday she died her hair red, because Brom thought it'd be sexy.
Today, she told me she was going to be treating brom to steaks, and she knows I love steaks.

I think maybe she's trying to get a reaction out of me. Even if she isn't, I'm certain she knows about these things.
I'm not going to give in to anger.

Today was Melissa's birthday. I called her to wish her happy birthday, and asked when I could see my boys again, she said Saturday. I also apologized for going to her house on Sunday, and sobbing.
she apparently is very upset with me for doing that. I don't understand why. She didn't care to talk about it then.
She apparently had Brom meet her parents.

I don't know what's going on, but from my point of view, it looks like again, she's either trying to get a rise out of me, or is trying to push memories of me away with this new guy.
It's not really my business to know what she did down to a T, but this is what she told me.
I don't remember asking what in detail.

I'd be lying to say I don't still love her a little, but I feel like I am getting over it. If you disagree, please tell me.

Love

'it can't possibly work.'
'I don't love you.'
'I committed myself to you for three years.'

I always said, that love is more than a feeling.
It is a commitment to another person.

She doesn't want to 'work it out.'

I've decided to join the navy.
I have a lot of things to do to get there.

I cannot have the life that I wanted, as a family man.
'Well what about meeting someone else, and starting with them?'

I cannot love now.

She doesn't exist any longer, to me.
I do not intend on seeing my kids again.

Why work your ass off to see your children so little?
When I come home from work, I want them to rush to me, to hold me.
I don't want to come home to an empty house.

I want to see my children every day.


I cannot.

I feel like my life isn't worth living if I can't have it the way I want it.
One life, one love.
Love is the answer, love a higher ground.

I have no time for love.
I cannot be the father to my children.

I am free now. Free to do what I want to do. As long as it isn't a life with her.
My Grandfather was in the Navy, and he was stationed in Japan.
My Father was in the Marines, and he was stationed in Japan.
My Grandfather had children with a woman and it didn't work out.
My Father had children with a woman and it didn't work out.
My Grandfather was a first born child and he had two boys.
My Father was a first born child and he had two boys.

I was a first born child and I had two boys.


I can always change my mind.

My Life

Without my children, my love, or my goals, I hardly see the point to living. Perhaps it's my own fault one of the bricks on the foundation of my life fell free.

Go Home and Be A Family Man

Melissa,
Not only do I love you, but my life with you and our boys! I want to wake up every morning and see all your smiling faces.

But the hurtin' is on me now. Not only are you gone, but so is my life with my boys, and my current financial future.

All this for why? I am the best I've ever been, with the exception of being crazy, in love with you.
You don't love me and so my life is gone.
Now I am a slave to the state, to pay child support and see my children once every two weeks.

I'd rather be dead.
It is bad enough that I had to work 5 days a week, to come home to an empty house and wait for them to come home, and to bed.
Only to see them on weekends.
Only to see you on your days off.

5 for 2 is not worth it.
I want to live with our family every second of every minute of every hour of every day of our lives.

I don't care about hobbies or anything else. I just want us to be a family again.
I miss you, I miss our boys.
I may be able to do the best in my life, but I'm at the lowest point.

I cannot be just your friend. I love you too much. It would hurt me too much to see you and someone else happy. I could not move on. I would not be happy unless you and I are together.
I would see you with someone else, and it would piss me off.

'Why couldn't you be happy that I'm happy with someone else?'
I could, but not if I'm in love with you, I need you to be with me. I would cry every night.
'Why would my happiness piss you off?'
Because you're not happy with me.

'Why are you this way?'
Because this is the craziness that is love. Knowing that I love you and you could never love me back is murder to me. It is so important. So very, very important.

Screaming at the window. Watch me die, another day.
Hopeless situation, endless price I have to pay.
Sanity, now it's beyond me. I will always love you. There's no choice.
Diary, of a madman. Walk the line, again today.
Entries of confusion. Dear diary, I'm here to stay.
Sanity, now it's beyond me. I will always love you. No matter long I stay, I will always love you. No matter words I say, I will always love you, there's no choice.
And now we're all on our own again.
You make me feel like I'm whole again.
Voices in the darkness, scream away my mental health.
Can I ask a question? To help me save me, from myself.
Sanity now it's beyond me, I will always love you. There's no choice.

or is it... ?

Screaming, at the window. Watch me die, another day.
Hopeless, situation. Endless price, I have to pay.
Sanity now it's beyond me, there's no choice.

Diary, of a madman. Walk the line again today. Entries of confusion.
Dear Diary, I'm here to stay.
Manic depression befriends me, hear his voice.
Sanity now it's beyond me, there's no choice!

A sickened mind a spirit. the mirror tells me lies.
Could I mistake myself for someone who lived behind my eyes?
Will he escape my soul, or will he live in me?
Is he trying to get out, or trying to enter me?

Voices in the darkness, scream away my mental health. Can I ask a question? To help me save me, from myself.

Enemies fill up the pages, are they me?
Monday 'till Sunday in stages, Set me free..


Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am home again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am whole again.

Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am young again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am fun again.

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you

Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again.

However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you


I'm alone, sitting with my broken glass.
My four walls follow me through my past.
I was on a paris train, i emerged in london rain
and you were waiting there swimming through apologies.

Sorry.

I remember searching for the perfect words. I was hoping you might change your mind. I remember a soldier standing next to me. Riding on the metro.

I was smiling as you took my hand
Saw the moon we spoke in France
You were passed as shallow words
It isn't passed there's still a hurt
You were passed as shallow words
Years have passed there's still a hurt
I can see it now, smiling as you pulled away

Sorry..

I remember the letter wrinkled in my hand
"I’ll love you always" filled my eyes
I remember the night we walked along the Seine
Riding on the metro

I remember a feeling coming over me
The soldier turned and walked away
Fuck you, for loving me!


When you were here before.
I couldn't look you in the eyes.
You're just like an angel. You skin makes me cry.
You float like a feather, in a beautiful world.
I wish I was special. You're so fucking special.
But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo.
What the fuck am I doing here? I don't belong here.

I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body.
I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice, when I'm dead.

You're so fucking special. I wish I were special.
But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here,
when I don't belong here.
No.

She's running back again.
She's run, run, run, running.
Running.

Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want.
You're so fucking special. I wish I was special.
I'm a creep.
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.
No.

These eyes, cry every night for you.
These arms, long to hold you again.
The hurtin's on me yeah. I will never be free now.
You made a promise to me, yeah. You broke it.

These eyes, watched you bring my world to an end.
This heart, could not accept and pretend.
The hurtin's on me yeah. I will never be free no.
You took the vow with me yeah, you spoke it.

These eyes, are crying
These eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they're never gonna see another one like I had with you

But I suppose now I should return to the letter.
I feel like half a life isn't a life worth living.
To see my children once every two weeks.
to pay tons of money, to see them half the time.
When I would gladly live with and love their mother.

There is no greater hell I have suffered.

Love me or kill me. My plan was to be a family man.

Feelin' Good

Yesterday,
I went to the SCA fight night at Encanto. It was my first time.
I saw Melissa's boyfriend (i think, it could've been another huge blonde blob).
But I didn't do anything.
After I left appx. 8:11 pm
I wasn't going to call Melissa, or talk to her, or anything.
I started feeling lonely so I drove by her work. I wasn't sure if I'd go in.
My old boss was outside, so I was boned.
Anyway, I went inside, we hugged.
She told me she wants a long term relationship with brom.
That hurt.
I crushed a waterbottle against a wall, and damaged my thumb.
Later that evening, I felt like a weight had been lifted.
Today I feel good. Like I can move on now.

3 Years Ago, Today

Three years ago today, marks the start of my relationship with Melissa.
I remember our first date. We saw the movie 'Hero' starring Jet Li, and ate at Eatza Pizza because we were both without jobs.

How much things have changed in three years.

I hurt, I do.
She hurts too.

I'm going to try to watch some funny movies. Try to get my mind off of it.
I miss them so...

As Of Today

I'm living at my dads house.

Melissa and I are going to work on setting up child support and visitation.

She sent nude pictures of herself to her boyfriend while I was living there.

I am heart broken.

I saw her yesterday, and talked to her last night. She's hurting.

She says she cares for me but doesn't love me. I don't think she knows her feelings 100%

She cried the last two times I talked to her.



She's really close with Brom.



Can I expect her to stick through it? No.

Would I like her to? Yes.



I still love her. But I can't do that, say that, think that, anymore.

I have to heal.

If there will be a relationship in the future, it will have to be after we've both healed. Maybe even moved on.

In order for our friendship to work, we have to forgive each other.

Gabriel has a staff infection. I love my boys so much, and I miss them. I wish I could spend every waking second with them.

Last Sunday, I saw a pastor who was willing to counsel me, unfortunately he has yet to contact me with availability for today. I don't mind if today isn't good I just want to be kept in the loop.

I went hunting for some single women online, not to date, I'm not ready for that yet. But just to meet them, make some friends. Maybe some LTR later.

I can't stand this. I want to be in control of the situation. I want to stop the pain.
Nothing but time, and this is a bad time.

I moved out

After taking my children to day care, I came home and snooped through Melissa's phone.
She has sent nude pictures of herself to Brom.

I moved out immediately, and told the apartment management that I'm breaking the lease.
I feel for the most part, disrespected. It's fine if she wants to date other people, that's her thing. But when we're still living together, and she knows how I feel, to do that kind of thing, it's just beyond offensive to me.

So much for someone who has morals and an intellectual brain, it seems she's only in it for sex. And this guy Brom doesn't appear to be a catch on any level.
She just wants to go out and have fun and forget about her motherly duties.

I'm very concerned for our children, she's been ignoring them a lot lately. I don't think she's a bad mom, I just think she needs to re-prioritize for the kids.

She told me that she wants me to be their father and doesn't want anyone else to be considered as such. And I told her, that she's going to meet some one that she loves and she will want the children to be a part of their life (I may do the same), and that they are likely to see that person as their father instead perhaps, because they may see him more. If she really felt this way, she should have thought about that before doing those things.

Anyway, I've had the lovely pleasure of being able to discuss at length this whole issue with a friend of mine. She's been really supportive and I really feel good about myself.
I'm fortunate to not have to suffer this.
Now I can just focus on the kids.

I'm considering joining the Navy....

Transpired Events

Wednesday, September 5^th, 2007

Melissa sent me a text message, telling me she had a migraine.

She also told me, that our children, Gabriel and Xachary had broken a very thick drinking glass.

Xachary received two cuts on his left arm.

Gabriel had taken the toilet brush, and a bottle of shampoo and started to clean the toilet with it, when Xachary started to interfere, Gabriel proceeded to soak Xachary in the toilet water.

Upon arriving at home, I discovered the boys, locked in their room, spraying each other with a bottle of fantastik oxy. They were both soaked.

Friday, September 07^th, 2007

I awoke around 8:00 am, and discovered that my boys, too were awake. I proceeded to wake Melissa and I requested her help in cleaning the boys, they had leaked through their diapers.

At 8:25 am I proceeded to leave for work, Melissa had decided to continue sleeping and let the boys roll around on the floor of the bedroom until 10:00 am.

This day, was different from others, in that Melissa had to be to work at a much earlier time, our normal baby sitter would not be able to watch them until 3:00pm. We had decided previously that a mutual friend, Monica, would watch the boys until 3:00 pm when Melissa would pick them up and take them to the sitter.

At approximately 1:15 pm, I called Monica and she told me that Xachary was covered in blue ink that would not wash out. There were blue marks on his face and his hands were completely covered in blue ink.

She also explained to me, that Gabriel’s rash is very severe and we need to take him to a doctor. Unfortunately I do not have the capability to take him to the doctor during the week days, I have requested Melissa take him a number of times, but it still hasn’t been done.

Earlier that Morning, Melissa had told me she’d be going to bed at 1:45 am, but to my knowledge she did not go to sleep until at least past 2:00 am.

In my observation, Melissa feels it’s more important to spend all hours of the night talking to guys on AOL Instant Messenger than it is to wake up early and take care of our children.

New Layout

Hi, I changed things.

Results

Turns out the party she went to was sponsored by some sex toy store.

She told me, the night we had sex, she made love to me.
But she's still torn about all the things I've done wrong and all the good things I've done.

Anyway, I told her that from my point of view it looks like she is really interested in Brom because she's talking to him for long periods (she came home at four in the morning and didn't get off the phone with him until I asked her if we could talk sometime soon, this was over an hour).

She tells me, that yeah, she is really interested in finding another person to love.

She's going to tell Brom tomorrow (she didn't set a time with him like she said she was going to), that she's not ready to actually start dating and that they need to 'cool it.'

Every now and then, I get the feeling of 'you know what? forget the whole thing.'
I get the feeling of taking a box cutter, removing the blade and slicing my skin, why?
Not because I find solace in cutting, but because I hear other people do, and I might like to try it.
Because I need solace.

She is very upset with me, that whenever she talks to Brom we have to have this big long discussion, because I feel insecure.

Well I think it's important to talk about my feelings, I never say she's doing something bad, or wrong, I just kind of feel that if she's not so interested in him, like she says, then why does she feel the need to talk to him for hours on end into the late night?

If she wants to break up with me that's fine, if she wants to stay with me, that's great too, but telling me she's not interested and talking for great long hours like that, is kind of a tease.
Some parts of me feel, that at this point she just wants to tease me, to string me a long.

This is getting ridiculous and I can't stand it.

I'm tired.
I do regret the pain I've put her through, but I don't regret the relationship, if those things hadn't have happened I wouldn't have been able to work on my problems.
I'm a young kid, I'm 20.
She's telling me that I have been very irresponsible. I have been.
But at the same time, I also have to say that anyone else in my shoes, at 17 would have run.
Would have said 'Lol, no kids, bye.'
I stuck through it, and I did the best I could do. It wasn't much, and I was selfish, but being a kid like I was, it couldn't be helped.

Maybe I'm a bastard for thinking that.

But I never said 'God, I wish I didn't have these kids!'
You know, I have thought about what it'd be like if I didn't, but I've never damned them.
I love them.

Anyway, this isn't about that.
After we talked (during the writing of this blog) she came to me, to tell me that we shouldn't talk when we're both tired, because we get frustrated and angry.
I got very frustrated (previously) because she kept interrupting me. I didn't raise my voice at her or hit her, or throw anything, I didn't do anything violent.
I just kind of hopped a bit, but I was furious.

I guess she wanted to make up, nobody apologized for anything though.
That's what it's like being torn, I suppose.

I want to talk to her more, about her motivation to relax on dating a little bit.
If she still wants to date other people (and not just Brom) then I think I'm going to really start dating other people too.
Not because I want to be with other people, but because I think maybe, just maybe it'll help me get over Melissa.

sometimes it feels like to me, that she just wants to get under my skin, probably not true, but it's how it feels.

I mean, c'mon who's not going to feel jealous when the person they love is on the phone with someone who they are trying to start a foundation for a relationship with, for extended periods of time, in the same place you live in.
She woke me up and didn't even say 'lol, I'm sorry.'

I have another confession to make, I've looked at porn again, recently.
Not because I was depressed, because I was genuinely horny and I didn't want to think about Melissa.
Because thinking about Melissa would mean thinking about all the pain I'm currently going through.
But I didn't binge. I didn't do it for hours at a time (like I used to) and I am not going to do it for days at a time either. I feel like I am really in control this time.

I don't like pornography though. It depicts women in a horrible light. It shouldn't even be 'O.K. sometimes...' But honestly who can't say that they've felt horny one time or another and ignoring it would actually solve the problem? I find myself getting rather angry and frustrated if I don't get a release.
So I have a moral dilemma.

I feel like there's more I need to get out, but I can't at this point put anything else down.

Deceit

Good Morning Blog,
and what a horrible morning it is.

This week has kind of been building up, to some kind of strange.
I talked to Melissa, and I finally convinced her (I forget how) that dating right now isn't the best thing. So she's neither with me, or dating. Or, so I thought.
And things were perking up a little bit, as we had sex the other night.

Anyway, Saturday she was supposed to go out with her friends to Goodyear (another city in Arizona), to party. She told me that it was just too far out and she was thinking she'd probably cancel.
She also told me that this weekend (Thursday-Saturday) she'd drop off the boys and pick them up.
These are things that did not happen on Saturday.

She decided to sleep in, after I told her time after time, that the sitter wants the kids early on Saturday.
So she finally dropped them off at noon (she wrote 11:00 am, on the wrong side of the sheet with the sitter), and we went furniture shopping at the many goodwills in phoenix. We didn't see anything we liked, but during the trip she got a phone call from one of her girlfriends.
Asking her if she was going to come at 4:00 in the afternoon, and then come back to phoenix, Sunday morning.
She said 'lol, y sure!'
But, she had to pick up the kids at 6:00 from the sitters.

Anyway, she shrugged off her responsibility on me. Sure I told her I would do it, but if she wasn't going to do it, who the hell would?

Anyway, she left, I got the kids, the night was pretty uneventful. She sent me some pictures of the party.



I don't know what kind of party it was, as of yet she hasn't spoken to me about it (she's home now even).
Anyway, I finally was asleep at like 11:00ish.

Come about 4 o'clock in the morning (not too long ago now) I hear some talking and what not in the living room, so I get up and I shout out, 'Melissa?'
Pretty stupid, actually seeing as I don't know who it is.

Anyway, yeah it was her, and it turns out she was on the phone with Brom (the guy she went on a date with earlier, who she doesn't know if she likes yet, and apparently has to talk to a ton).
She's actually still on the phone with him.
She told me she was going to finalize plans with him for later today (assuming she's still going to stop going out with him) and then take a shower.
This was some 45 minutes ago she told me this.

Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that she's been lying to me all along, and she is trying to string me along like some little puppy dog.
I'm sick of it, so I'm going to distance myself from her, and I think in order to do that, I need to go and date some people.

She's going to ask me 'Do you want to try to make this work?'
I'm going to tell her 'No, I don't want to. I lied to you, and hurt you, and ruined your self-esteem. You never forgave me, not that you have to, but to be around someone who is still holding a grudge after I've done so much to change myself, after I've come clean and honest about who I am and who I want to be, you still feel the need to get even with me. I'm sorry but I can't have a relationship with someone like that. Maybe it is my own fault, but at this point there's nothing I can do about it. Revenge is no basis for a relationship.'

She obviously likes Brom more than she is telling me, she obviously is just using me now.
It is over, she doesn't want me, she wants to hurt me.

Anyway, more updates after I talk to her, of course.

Xach-attack-iraq

A Re-evaluation

When I was younger, I was obsessed with degradation of the flesh, both morally and physically.
Zombies and Porno.
Risking both the loss of life and the creation of it.


Melissa does not love me.
Melissa tells me her friends think I'm cool, but apparently not.
It feels like I've wasted so much time. So much of my life already gone.
I have created life with another human being, twice.
Yet I have killed none.

Pornography is a stupid way out, so is suicide and murder.
The feelings we get when we're pushed to the edge.
Life, death, love, hate, apathy, joy...
All of these are things people must experience.

When it hurts, I feel like I need to make someone or something else feel as sorry as I am.
Whether it be my body, my mind, my spirit, some one or something else. I feel like I must destroy.

I would kill myself before anyone else.

Every one must journey. Must feel out the many paths of life and decide which is the right path for them.

I stand to have potentially the best job I've had in my life so far, and yet my relationship is in shambles.

This is what happens when you let kids play grown-up. What happens when you fail to teach your kids the right path.
When ignorance rears it's ugly head.

I'd rather die than go on living.
But with so many things to look forward to, how can I possibly do such a stupid thing?

This is depression. This is insanity.
I've tried hard, but am I not to blame?
It is my responsibility, and I've let so many down.
Do I deserve to live?

BIG UPDATE

I have a big update.
Let's start off in the main category, specifically related to my pornography addiction.
I have slipped.
Fortunately I have been able to surpass this slippage.

Surely, this is not enough information, so I shall go into detail.
I've been depressed as of late, for many reasons. My job, my relationships, my car, bills, traffic citations, broken phones...
It's been piling up, and there's no one to blame but myself.

When the depression starts, that feeling gets very strong. It's a chemical reaction. There was an example given in a book I read.
They had set up these electronic responders to the pleasure centers of these monkeys brains, and when these monkey's pressed the button they received pleasure unimaginable. These monkeys held the button down until they died.
Perhaps that isn't that great of an example after all.

Anyway, you slip because you're depressed, which makes you even more depressed.
It's a vicious cycle that's very hard to break.

Anyway, more on the reasons why I'm depressed.

I left my job at Epic Commerce,
Apparently a previous employee had taken their last check and wrote a different amount on it. Normally a check cashing place would go 'lol, this is your hand writing.' but at Epic Commerce you receive handwritten checks.
So anyway, my paycheck from that week ended up bouncing (I didn't find out until nearly two weeks later, thanks Wellsfargo). And that Friday, 5 minutes before it was time to pick up our checks, they decided to tell us that the funds simply aren't available and we have that particular employee to thank.
What had happened was, they found out either on Tuesday or Wednesday that this particular employee had done this. Normally when Banks realize 'lol, fraud.' they freeze the account immediately. Now if the account wasn't actually frozen until Friday, my check wouldn't have bounced as these companies need to have a certain amount in the bank for the account to even be considered open. And they would have been able to tell us that we wouldn't be able to get our checks on Friday, on Wednesday or Thursday (I was going to buy a new phone right after work!).
So it's clear that they not only lied to, but withheld information from it's employees.

Because the check bounced, my bank decided to take $70 dollars of my money.
They said that the check bounced on Friday (why does it take a whole week to deposit a check?), and for every withdrawal after that I received an overdraft charge.
If the check truly had been bounced on Friday, then why on Saturday did they allow me to withdraw $20 from a teller in-store. I found out on Sunday that there was actually no money in the account, and it wouldn't let me purchase anything because of it.
If the check had bounced on Friday (a week later than the deposit date), then I would not be able to have made those charges/withdrawals with my card because it would simply not allow it.
The bank on the other hand, either could not or would not, tell me coherently what the issue actually was. They did however refund half of the initial $138, meaning they basically stole $70 dollars from me. I banked with Wellsfargo for 8 years and I never had anything this disgusting happen to me, ever. Apparently Wellsfargo doesn't appreciate long-time account holders.

Needless to say, I quit my job and switched banks. That week that I quit my job, I found what could possibly be my dream job. I will be paid $13/hr to tell people to powercycle their modems (lol, unplug it, now wait 15 seconds).

My car, as you may know has been in need of repair for some time, unfortunately throughout my two months of work at Epic Commerce, I was not able to save enough money to take it into the shop. I've fallen behind on my car insurance payments and my insurance has expired.

On my way to my job interview for the aforementioned job, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. He didn't give me a ticket, because I was driving rather well, but he did cite me for having expired insurance.

The weekend of my son's birthday, my youngest decided to dip my cell phone in the toilet. I can no longer charge it. Fortunately during my time at Epic Commerce, somebody found a broken Razr V3m. I can't get T-mobile to put service on it (no simcard slot), so I use it to charge the battery. The V3m only has broken LCD screens (it's fine otherwise).

So yesterday I upgraded my phone service for another 2 years and ordered a Samsung t659 (I think that's the model number, it's a sliding camera phone) for free.

I'm falling behind on my Cable bill, my phone bill, and I still have to pay rent. I have to do most of this before september 10th and I don't start work until september 4th.

My relationship with Melissa is suffering.
She told me that whenever she thinks of me in a romantic light, she can only see the times that I've hurt her, instead of done any thing good for her.
She told me that she wants to date other people to see if that's what she really wants.

I don't like it at all, I don't want to seem like she can just do that and come back to me. My feelings towards her are deteriorating.
I want to say 'How can she do this?'
But who am I to say this, after the horrible things that I've done. I should consider myself lucky that she even is still considering being with me.
Still, as every red blooded American, I am feeling jealous when someone else is courting my woman.
But I am being respectful, I love her so I can only let her do what she wants.

Difficulty

Melissa has viewed pornography,
Melissa is suspicious that I may be looking at pornography.
I'm not, I haven't.
But she says to me 'I know you have, what would it hurt for you to have told me? I wouldn't be upset.'

She says this every time she gets suspicious.
Which makes me, in turn, want to view pornography, so I could tell her about it.
So she can trust me some more.

But I'm afraid of viewing it because I don't want to slip. And viewing it, just to tell her that I did, doesn't work either. Because she wants to know if I slipped.

Even typing about this now is starting to rouse demons in me.
Anyway, I'm going to go finish folding the laundry and make some dinner. I have a job interview with AMEX tomorrow (I missed the one on saturday, because I couldn't sleep friday night, at all), and I will hopefully get it, I have my neighbors information and I'm going to get a better job.

Also, I made a sale today at my work.

Recent News

I've been working for Epic Commerce LLC. As a telemarketer.
It stinks. It's a fledgling company, they don't have great leads, they don't have many leads..
I think I might be fired tomorrow, because I have been unsuccessful in getting many sales. Although I've done better this week, than last week (This being my second week there). Money is running dry, thankfully our foodstamps have come in today, so we can feed our children.

In reference to pornography, I've not had any problems, I've been really busy focusing on work. I found myself, last weekend feeling like I kind of wanted to look at it, but I was able to easily push it aside.
Mostly I just felt like looking at it because I was bored and I wasn't actively doing something at that time. Instead I cleaned house, and played my pokemon game. Yeah, it's kind of silly a man of my age, at 20, with two kids, playing pokemon. But It's one of the few stress free things in my life.

I have a job interview for American Express on Saturday, and I'm going to go to another telemarketer place, after work tomorrow (Ha, I might get fired..) for an interview, they will hire me for a constant $14 an hour, as opposed to sales based, and they're 40 hours a week (currently, I'm working 30, it's nice, but I would rather have money than free time right now).

Anyway, my car is still acting up, I quit my pizza job (the manager was playing favorites with one of his employees, I wasn't directly involved but I frown on that kind of behavior so I quit), My bank account is low, Melissa had her id, debit, and credit card stolen out of her purse, as well as a check her father was going to give to me to pay me for her sisters phone.

So yeah, it's been really, really, really stressful, but I have not resorted to looking at pornography. I also have not been reading my books, but I have hardly even had the feeling to look at it, except for a little bit on the weekends, and I've already learned how to deal with those kind of feelings in that situation. I wouldn't say I'm cured, but with things being so busy right now, I just plain don't have the time.

The boys are more jealous of each other, constantly vying for attention. It's crazy and hectic but I'm not falling apart.

Do you Like Me?

She says she doesn't like me.
Maybe I deserve it for being playful for when she's tired.

I don't know if I do, but I do know it hurts.
She said she'd put the spaghetti away.

Then she's too tired to.

I give her a foot rub.

She says she doesn't like me.

It's not the full situation, but this is how I feel.
I'm going to play pokemon until I fall asleep.

One Million and One Things To Think About

Ok, so to bring you all up to speed. Melissa and I have gotten over our past fights. We're back together.

Anyway, as of late, she's been feeling nervous, as I understand women who are in this situation do. She peeked in on me, to make sure I hadn't relapsed. I haven't. But I did view a particularly promiscuous image.

I shall link to it here.
http://www.alexfish.com/kirsten_d/Kirsten_Dunst008.jpeg

Anyway, I'll give you the context.
On The myspace forums, in the videogame subforum, I posted this picture in response to someone posting a half-naked picture of Brad Pitt.
It was stupid, I know.
No reason to do it, other than I thought it would have been a funny commentary. A yang to their Ying if you would.
Well, I didn't take all day to look at it, I posted it and moved on. I didn't relapse. The image left my mind as quickly as it entered.

So, she comes to me and she feels like I'm lying to her. That I have been looking at it. I look at the situation and no, it doesn't help me. I should just stay away from it all together, even if I don't have the uncontrollable urge to continue looking at images that are portrayed in such a manner (because even if the subject manner is not erotic if it's posed in an erotic manner it is still pornography).

Anyway, she tells me that I'm not the man she fell in love with. To be honest I never was. When we met I was still a child, viewing pornographic images on a daily basis, spending large amounts of time playing video games, and not at all being cleanly or family orientated. Can I really be to blame for not being that, although I was for being that?

Perhaps a look at my family might help provide a clearer look. Seeing as my dad is into pornographic and violent material, and typically prefers to be alone, I myself followed the same structure. I would while away the hours, viewing pornography and playing violent stolen videogames. Perhaps that's what most kids do these days. My friends did it, my dad did it, why shouldn't I have done it?

Because it's wrong.
I realized that then, but I figured that since I've been doing it and I've had no problems, why should I stop?
I've seen the problems. I'm changing my ways, FINALLY. It's taken me damn near forever to muster up the courage and the strength that's been hiding inside me. I wouldn't have been able to do it if it weren't for her. She knocked me on my ass. What was I doing? She worked all day, I watched the kids, and while they were asleep, what did I do?
I broke my promise.
I viewed pornography and I lied.
I betrayed her trust.
And she told me I have to leave.
I agreed, for the sake of our children.

Well, it's come to this now. I'm changing, and of course because I sought fit to lie to her in the past, she has difficulty believing me. This is my punishment.
I cannot just change, but I have to make things right with the ones I've harmed.
I will suffer greatly because of my lies. But to conquer this, even though I suffer I will not yield to my past urges. I will not yield to who I was. I will be who I am, and who I always wanted to be.

I can never undo the damage that I've done. I can only not do it again.

She says, she doesn't know who I am, because today during my breaks from cleaning, I spent time on my computer, like I always did. Posting in forums and reading up on video game news.
These are my primary sources of entertainment. I am a geek. I love talking about video games, I love hearing about video games, I love reading about video games. This is my hobby.
Is my hobby interfering with my life?

I cannot talk about video games with her. She has made this clear as she does not keep up with them, nor does she play them anymore (I don't play them as much either, but I do enjoy socializing about them).

My sons are not old enough to enjoy my hobby to it's fullest extent, yet.

She's right, it would have been more entertaining for us to have played a board game. I would have thoroughly enjoyed it, but today it seemed that every time we had a break, she had something that she wanted to do.

She was tired, so she wanted to lay down. She wanted to put her make up on (takes forever, am I right guys?), she wanted to take her makeup off (oh my god, that takes even longer!), or she didn't want to take a break.
Granted, I could have played with my children, but anyone who has children knows that when it's time to clean it's time to put the children somewhere where they can't make a mess (or if they can, make sure it's small). You can't bring them out, play with them, and then tell them 'ok it's time for me to clean!'
They're going to be upset and they can't understand. Besides that they'll probably make a mess of the area you were cleaning in, or if you take them to a place you've cleaned, they'll mess that up, or if you take them to an area that's going to be cleaned, they'll make it even worse.

Children make messes.
Especially when you can't reason with them to pick it up afterward.

But she says that I've been spending too much time online, so I told her that if it really does concern her, I will curb it. I love her and if she says she thinks somethings wrong then I'm going to check it out. Let's be reasonable and honest.

She also was saying that she thought that I don't have enough initiative when it comes to the children. But I do say that I do a lot for them without being told to do so. I read to them, I rough house with them, I feed them even. Change them, bathe them, I feel like I do damn well enough.

Anyway, as if I weren't stressed out enough about that, but my work has been insanely slow (I deliver pizzas). I mean, yesterday I worked for three hours and I delivered three pizzas.
In case anyone doesn't know, but it would be common for a Pizza man to deliver 3-4 Pizzas an HOUR.
I want to work, I want it to be busy, and I want to bring home money. But I can't do it if nobody orders pizzas or tips the pizza guy a decent amount (10-15% is all we're asking. on a 20 dollar order that's only 2 bucks!). It's not like I'm not favored either, we're just not getting a lot of business.

A couple of days ago, I called the maintenance for my apartment because we've had a hole in our bathroom ceiling for months. What had happened was the drain from above our apartment was leaking and it made a bubble in our ceiling. They had someone come down and fix the leak, but they didn't patch up the hole they left.
They also didn't work on the lightswitch I had called about too.
Our dishwasher was also on the fritz, so I decided I'd take the plates/dishes/whathaveyou from the dishwasher into the sink, when I realized he'd probably need to get into the sink, so I put them in the bathtub.

So the maintenance man comes, he looks at the dishwasher and doesn't tell me anything.
He looks at the lightswitch and replaces it.
He looks at the hole in the ceiling, asks me if they still had the original drywall they cut out, and I told him I don't know seeing as it's been a long time. Then I say that they probably didn't because it was so badly damaged.

Anyway, he leaves, says he'll be back later with some drywall. Whatever, fine, as long as it gets fixed, what do I care?

Anyway, a day later I get two letters. One letter telling me that I have to get rid of my cats or pay $400 dollars to them. And another letter saying that my house is in such a bad condition that if it's not cleaned up in 5 days they'll have to evict me because it's a health issue.
I got rid of the cats.
But the only bad thing there was about my house was that, yes I had dishes in the tub. But that was only so the mother fucker could work on the god damn dishwasher.
Anyway, I feel like my home has been invaded. This douchebag comes in, fixes my lightswitch, and then taddles on me.
what the fuck? Am I right or what?
So anyway, we're making sure the house is spotless (as possible, with kids you know), so that when they come to inspect it, we can put our foot up their asses. This is absolutely ridiculous.
I didn't put that hole in the ceiling, they did and they never fixed it.
Just so you all know, this is La Mirada.
La Mirada apartments is full of bullshit and if you ever see someone who works there or the building itself, I encourage you to show as much disrespect as you feel you can morally give to someone or something so terrible.

Anyway, to the topic of this thread, One Million and One Things To Think About...
It shows that I have a lot of stresses going on right now. Stresses with the woman, Stresses with the job, and stresses with my own goddamn apartment building (not to mention that I need to get my car checked out, the engine keeps turning off and I don't have any money for to fix it), that all lead up to these problems that I have to think about. I think about it, and maybe I am using the internet to escape my problems. I have a lot of fucking problems.
Sure I don't have it as bad as the next guy, there's always someone better than you/worse than you. But Damn it this is my blog, this is my place to bitch and whine.

I've finally come around to realize the right thing to do, and now I have to suffer and pay like never before. That's irony for ya.
Not to say that I don't deserve it, it's just that some of it, I wish could have waited until later. I just have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan for me and that every tip I get is a blessing. Well, I really don't know how to end this so here's the publish post.

Talks

Since my last post, we've fought again. I took sometime for a walk outside, to smoke a cigarillo and call a friend.
I talked to my friend, and she told me some interesting stuff. She told me that she didn't think that I did anything wrong. Just that there was a lack of communication last night.

anyway, after we talked, I came back inside and we both apologized for being overzealous.
But during my talks with my friend, I found out some more interesting stuff, that I have yet to bring up. But I will discuss it with her later, as she has her sister and her sisters boyfriend over now. They're playing Mario Party 8 as I type this.

Anyway, I do feel sorry for being overzealous but I really need to discuss these other things with her.
She told me she loves me, and I told her I love her.

Drunken Whores

Good Afternoon party people,
On my way to the car, I called one last time. I received no answer. So I got in, and started driving out. She called me just as I pulled out of the driveway, so I picked up, she told me she was fine and I went back inside.

We talked, she told me that she felt like I was being a controlling insecure bastard. I don't think I'm being unfair about this, I wanted the address before I had to try to talk to a drunk person and get it, so I text messaged her. When I got nervous I called and I didn't get a response. Finally after my second call I got a response and I went back inside.

Anyway, she says that I'm wrong for doing the things that I did. I think she's wrong for not telling me A.) That she was waiting for another person to start the party, who didn't show up until 12.
B.) That she was fine in the first place. C.) She shouldn't have insinuated that I was the false party for calling when I felt nervous like she said I should.

Today, she told me that the next time she goes out, she's not going to tell me where it is, who it's with, and she's not taking her cell phone. I told her that I don't have a problem anymore.

I don't. I am no longer with her.
We're broken up.

What The Hell?

Okay, so today, was a fairly good day, despite Melissa calling in sick. I went to bookmans, traded in some crap I didn't want and got 18 bucks in return, pretty good, huh?
Went to Shogun Express and Hollywood video, ate some chicken teriyaki, and rented Mario Party 8. Mario party, of course, sucks.
But not so bad, because it was a free rental. (the lady who rented it to me, had a funny little story about a person who returned the game, frustrated that it only worked on a Wii console and not an Xbox 360).

Anyway, Melissa had apparently made some plans to see some friends. I'm cool with that, she can see her friends. I asked her, if she could be home by midnight, seeing as she was able to go sooner than she originally planned (because she called into work sick). She said sure.

Anyway, she told me that I could call at anytime if I got nervous, and I was cool with that too. Anyway, when she got there, I text messaged her, what the address was where she'd be at, just incase I needed to pick her up. She gave it to me, I haven't checked it, because I trust her.
Anyway, she's out and I'm at home watching the kids.
I asked her if she'd be home by 12 like she said, and she said that she didn't know. I asked her if there was a time I could expect her home by, or if I should just go to sleep. She said that I should probably just go to sleep.

Anyway, I called at about 1:10am to check and see if she was alright, this is being a good 3 hours into her party time with her friends. No response.
It's about 1:40am as I type this, and I'm a little worried. I'm going to call again, and if I don't get an answer, I'm going to drive down there.

Well, anyway, she has bought alcohol for these kids (underage) and I am very worried. This is a big test on me right now. I have a very large urge to look at pornography, or masturbate. To help my mental state.
Now normally, this isn't something to be worried about, but given my situation it's very, very tough. Because I don't want to do that. I also want to be a trusting boyfriend, but I don't want to be a flat-out idiot.

Anyway, I thought I'd blog about this, because it'd help me get through it, but I'm just more nervous. So I'm going to finish this up, and go. See you!

Non-Inflammatory Note On Gun Control

For some reason, my mind keeps going over this particular topic.
Automatic weapons were outlawed for the reasoning that a hunter does not need that much firepower and that the majority of people who would use said weapon would use it against police force. Now I do admit that this is a very serious subject, and that criminals should not have access to automatic weapons to use against our police force.

But I think about why we have the right to bear arms in the first place, it's for people to defend themselves incase of a revolt or incase of an invasion. I admit that there are many fine rifles and handguns available to the public, but in the situation between perhaps an M16 versus a .45 Ruger or a 30.06, I'm afraid that the M16 would surpass both weapons considerably well.

So if there were to be a revolution against the U.S. Government, it would be squashed, quite easily because of the armed soldiers being equipped with said M16. However the only reason there would be a revolt against the U.S. Government is if perhaps there was someone doing something unconstitutional without a check or a kind of balance against it. But the reason for the revolution would have better be a very good one.

In this situation, I think it'd be much better for the public to have access to automatic weapons. Granted that there would likely to be branches of the military that would have difficulty keeping their own troops in-line giving that it would be a very good reason for revolt, but it does seem quite unfair.

I feel that automatic weapons should be available to the public, but with extreme guards in place to keep people who might use them for crime to get them.

I've Moved Back

So I've finally moved back in to my apartment. Things are going great. I haven't looked at pornography in a long time. Not since April 27th-ish.
I've been reading my books, and I have come across a quote that I'd like to share with you.

"Real life is response to the best within us. To be alive only to appetite, pleasure, pride, money-making, and not to goodness and kindness, purity, and love, poetry, music, flowers, stars, God and eternal hopes, is to deprive oneself of the real joy of living."

they go on to cite some beliefs of those who affirm their own worth and send value to others.

* All persons, including self, are of infinite worth.
* Behavior, for the most part, is learned.
* Misbehavior is almost always a symptom of some other problem. (e.g., pornography is an escape from emotional frustration or lonliness)
*Behavior is almost invariable belief linked.

The main particular reason I am sharing these passages, is because I myself have been sending these messages to people online, in the myspace forums.
I have met a person who, my words have meant a great deal to. He is struggling with his own problems (Pornography, is not one of which), but these rules are general rules and do not deal only to pornography addicts. I believe that there are many people who live their lives day to day, acting only on how they've been treated instead of deciding their own actions.

Through the things that I've done, I've learned to decide what I will do when I am faced with a difficult situation. Instead of just letting my feelings rule the day.

I've also decided that this would be a great forum for me to post my own thoughts on other issues. But I will go off on those issues later.

anyway, since I've been home, things feel a lot different. I've been acting a lot different than I used to. I'd like to see myself as a different person now. But I know that I am the same old Ian, if I want to be. I just choose not to let my feelings control my life, like I used to.

The other night, Melissa tells me that she had been considering dating again before I moved back into my apartment. I would have considered it highly offensive. Despite that she has the right to do it, we've been hoping on getting back together. I used to spend 3-4 nights a week back here before I finally moved. So to me, it's felt like we only took some time apart to better ourselves, not to search for another. Anyway, she said that she isn't going to do it. But I know her, and I know she might think about it later going 'What if I hadn't gone back with Ian?'

I love her so much.
Anyway, I'm breaking her trust right now, because I told her I wouldn't go on the computer, but after reading my book, I really felt like I needed to make a blog entry before I went to bed.
Today I've received the most in tips that I've ever gotten. I got roughly about 80 bucks, but I spent about $16 on pizzas to bring home for my family. And 18 of that went to my paycheck because it was a credit/debit transaction.

I've decided that I'm going to ask her to ask me more invasive questions about my habits. I want her to ask me not just, 'Did you look at porn today?' but 'Did you think about looking? What caused that thought? When you felt like looking, what else was going on? Have you fantasized about sex?' and some more that I can't think of right now.

Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better now. I'm feeling more confident and stronger. I know that I'm going to kick this awful habit.

Update

Alright, so for the bank job, I was turned down at one location, but I still have a chance at another location. I'm going to give them a call tomorrow. Also tomorrow I have a job interview over the phone, with AMEX about a Fraud Analyst position.
It's second shift (from 4pm to 1:30 am) and it pays a base of $11.50 an hour. I'd just need to find another job I could work before I go to work there. It'd be kind of hard, but I'm willing to work it out.

It's been getting tough, the other day I got really close to looking at pornography. I was looking at some pictures of people doing cosplay and I realized that if I keep on going, I'm going to start looking at pornography. So I stopped.
I stopped.

Anyway, I've been spending just about every night over at my own apartment, which is kind of funny. I think I'm about to move all my stuff back into my apartment anyway, because I turned in the rent today (obviously, I didn't earn it) and on the receipt I was the main holder of the apartment.
But I really want to get another job before I go back.

Anyway, I can't think of anything else to post, so I'll end it here.

The Difference

The problem, about being addicted to pornography at a young age,
is determining the difference between a withdrawal symptom and feeling horny as a 20 year old should.

I'm interested in being sexually excited however I am conflicted with not wanting to look at porn. I think maybe I'm going to walk away from my computer and eat some chips or something. If I still have this urge later on, perhaps I'll satisfy it with non-pornographic sexual activities. Anyway, I have been feeling close to having a relapse recently. But I must not relent. I must stay firm in my beliefs and actions.

Banks

So, I've been doing a little shopping on ebay. I figured paypal would bill my credit card, boy was I wrong.
Anyway, I came to be -37 dollars in my checking account. Sucks a bunch huh?
Now, the credit institution is coming after me for $107 dollars because apparently, they didn't get their cut via automatic payments.

On the upside, I had a very successful job interview with a bank today (not my bank), and hopefully by monday, I'll have myself a day job. :)

So, I'm having a very odd time with banks currently - hopefully I can get this job, and get my debt paid off in time.

In other news, Thursday I'll be looking for a new apartment with my fiance. Hopefully we'll be able to move in together. Anyway, if it's true that I move, look forward to less, and less of my posts. But I don't know, I'll have a couple jobs so I might have internets turned on. :)

moving

also, i'm definitely moving back in to my apartment once I earn awesome money. :)
(my name is on the lease) if she doesn't like it, she can move, but my name is on the lease and I can pay for the space.
If anything, I'd want her to quit her job because they treat her horribly there.

Friends

So, I've been catching up with some old friends of mine. It's been a lot of fun. I've been earning some pretty good money over at the domino's. I've been keeping off any urges, although staying up later has been an issue for concern as well as spending too much time on the internet.
:(
But fortunately for me, these items have not seriously interred anything to great. :)
I, at first was a little um.. precocious? about posting my identity online... well I think that might change. I have a problem and it has been helping me to explain it. Anyway, it's early, gotta go. see ya.

Dominos

Well, I've got a delivery job at dominos now. It's minimum wage, but you know, there's tips too. :)
anyway, I'm just keeping up on reading some books. I made a couple of purchases on ebay and apparently paypal decided to bill my checking account instead of my credit card account so money is tight. I sold my second xbox to gamecrazy and I got 60 bucks back. With shipping and handling it costed a little more than that to get it, but I also got some hd cables, another controller, and an xbox carrying case - so it's not so bad.

Anyway, I've had felt urges recently, infact I get them just about every day.
But I have not relapsed.

I have witnessed pornography by accident (I was not intentionally looking for it, I was looking for a friends picture of his neighbor crashing into his house) and I was able to move on without continuing looking at it/thinking about it. So I am doing well in my struggles, but I have read that because of the circumstances regarding my current state, I am more enabled because I'm in what is called 'The Honey Moon Stage."
What that basically means, is that it's easier for me to not look at pornography because I've been 'shocked.' I need to practice because it will be harder in the future, because I won't have that shock, that fear. Of course it'd exist but it'd be much easier to overwrite it. Anyway, I continue to read my books and continue USE the books.

My dad said I have until the 15th of June to find a place to live. I don't know what I'm going to do. Try to find a place, I guess. :(

My ex-fiance (now girlfriend?) says she doesn't want me moving back in until I'm 'cured' or 'changed' but I don't know when/if that'll happen. :(
But she does seem like she needs me around more, and as long as I practice and keep up with my studies and stick to my stuff. Then I should be able to get past it, just fine. :)

Maybe she'll ask me to move in before June 15th... Here's hoping!

Job Hunting, Reading Books

I finally got my self help books in the mail.
I've been reading, and reading, and I've been feeling a lot better about myself.
I also have three job interviews today, another one scheduled for monday, I'm going to recieve a call this weekend about a job, and as soon as I finish a survey, Neutron will be interested in giving me a phone interview. https://shop.neutronindustries.com/b2c_SIP/b2c/init.do

Anyway, the ex and I haven't been keeping in that great of touch lately... one of her friends decided she didn't want to be her friend anymore. Which stinks. Anyway, I'll post about the conclusions of todays job interviews later. Have a good day!

My Tire Blew Out

First things first, I'd like to tell you that I have edited my previous post because I felt those two topics were separate and I feel that it's important to try to keep on topic.


Anyway, driving back home from my mothers house, my tire blew out on the free way. I had a hell of a time changing the tire.

I'm tired and I will post more details about it tomorrow.

Stubbs The Zombie: "Rebel Without A Pulse"

I don't know how many people have heard of Stubbs The Zombie, but it is a MIGHTY impressive game. It's for PC/Mac/XBOX, it's based off of the Halo engine (ye old H1) and it really does rock.
Well, I'm a halo fan for one, and a big zombie fan as well... (after playing stubbs for xbox I downloaded the demo to take this picture http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c142/weclock/stubbs1.png check out the demo here http://files.filefront.com/SEARCH/;4592001;/fileinfo.html )

I've played halo, and for this I feel like, I'm getting to play it all over again, except from the viewpoint of the flood. But that's a really skewed opinion I have. It's just a really fun game with no connection to halo other than it uses the same engine. It's based in a futuristic city set in the '50s. The main character 'Stubbs' was a sales man in the 1930's and died, got buried in some place, then this guy Andrew Monday built the futuristic city on top of his grave. Stubbs decided he'd take a peek at what was going on... I guess... that or he just thought Andrew's mom was a hottie (through out the game, stubbs is searching after Andrews mother, who looks impressively young for someone her age). Anyway, you get to have Zombie hoards, throw your guts and make them explode, tear off your head use it as a bowling ball and blow up all kinds of stuff... It's freakin' awesome. The main reason why you probably didn'thear about the game was that it was released about the same time as halo2 I think.. that or the xbox360... I'm not too sure.
but it was overshadowed.
Anyway, the soundtrack is of worthy note, it has '50s songs covered by more recent bands 'Death Cab For Cutie' being one of them.
It's absolutely brilliant and I hope to see a sequel (although it's highly doubtful).

PD:S B1 Review

Anyway, this week saw the opening of Perfect Dark: Source... the dev team did a bangup job on the artwork, however the coding side needs some work. Here's a short list...
In Widescreen you can see through walls
You can enable thirdperson without sv_cheats
There's a big FPS drop for some reason, maybe they forgot to hint...
Whenever you get shot it's like an N-bomb blew up in your ass.
Shotgun doesn't hurt people
Models Dissappear
Death Spectator is retarded, there's no easy way to respawn, I'm not sure if I have to click, press space, press enter, or just throw my mouse across the room.

But I absolutely loved the revivals of the levels. Ravine looked really awesome, but I didn't like how dark it was. And the Felicity's added 'areas' really sucked because all it did was make you turn around. It didn't increase the flow at all but just added more hiding spots.

again

again
again
again
again



whooray police car rides.
whooray attempted suicides.

Interesting Developments

A million things to say, since I've been neglecting my diary.

Let's start with the 'good' stuff.
So, I went out with my ex to see spiderman three.
It was a great movie, we had a fun time together.
After the movie, we went to pick up our kids.
It was alright, her friend let them borrow some clothes because they needed baths...


Anyway, after we arrived at her place, she was telling me that I had to buy some baby food for our sons. I normally wouldn't mind except, I have no job, and I may not have a lot of money come next week. Or After even.
She saw this as me refusing to accept my responsibilities as a parent. I didn't say 'I'm not ever going to buy food, I expect you to do it.' I just said that I'm going to be having a tough time. I'm not even sure if it's a good idea for me to be around the children at this point.
Anyway, she took it like I was shirking my responsibilities... I lost my head and threw down my bills at the ground. I also grunted quite loudly.

Anyway, I told her that I wasn't ready to talk just yet. I've been having a really hard time. I love her, I love our sons. I love them so much. I just feel like a complete and utter loser. Maybe that's what I am. Can I turn myself around? I don't know unless I try. Is it worth trying?

Anyway, we continued fighting and yelling, she said she didn't want me to go near her, when I went near her to talk to her, then she drove around and put the kids in the apartment.
Then came back, and demanded I give her my set of the apartment keys. I said I wasn't ready yet, and that I'd give them back when I was ready. She demanded that she have them right then and there.
Which made me feel even more like a loser. I just wanted to kill myself. I didn't want to see the light of day anymore. It is so painful to know every day that I have let not only myself down, but my family.
To look in to my children's faces... to see them smiling... It hurts. They have no clue what is going on. They miss their mother, they miss me... I hate this. Who's fault is it? It's my own. But I need to talk to someone. She doesn't want to talk to me.


Not like I can blame her, but she wanted to be friends. I don't know if she still does. I want to try to get back together. But how can I get back together with her when I can barely hold myself together?

Anyway, back on topic, she got the keys, and went back inside. I followed her and knocked on the door. She told me to go away. I asked for my phone and my charger (I am currently paying phone service for three phones, her sister has one, she has one, and I have one). I understand that I bought the phone with the service. I signed a contract with T-Mobile and they gave ME discounted prices on their phones because of it.

Anyway, she said she would, but she had to delete the names off of it first.

Instead of immediately deleting the names/numbers she called some one. After waiting patiently for anywhere between 10-20 minutes I decided to knock on the door again. There was no answer. So then I decided maybe I'd tap the window if she couldn't hear the door knocker. There was no answer. So then I decided to call. It immediately clicked off, showing that either the phone was in use or that she turned off the phone. I called back a second later and it rang a full amount, to voice mail. Clearly her phone was not off. She called me back, and told me that she called the cops and that she didn't want to talk to me. I begged her to talk to me, because I was feeling suicidal, sad, depressed, angry....
I told her that she didn't have to come outside, that I just wanted to talk and we can do that over the phone. She told me that my behavior frightened her and that she didn't want to talk. She insisted she was going to delete the names off of her phone and give it to me. I told her not to bother because I was leaving. I walked towards my car, and entered it. It was there that she told me she didn't care about me at all.
My behavior totally disappointed her. That I was not a real man. I came to her asking her for help. I apologized for my previous behavior. She still was not satisfied.
Earlier in the week I had sacrificed my day to help her, I need to find a job, and she needed to get day care in-line, get groceries, and get a car situation figured out.
I took her to the DES facility, I took her to the Daycare facility, I took her to get groceries, and I watched our children while she figured out a car situation.
I told her the day before that my aim was to go job-hunting that day and that I could probably only help her with getting to DES and back. She didn't ask for my help, and I do not expect anything in return, I'm just taking this time to point out, that she needed help, and I helped her. Not because I wanted to look good, but because I love her, because I love our children.

Anyway, I'm highly anticipating receiving some materials to help my addiction in the mail.
I've also ordered some books I'm a fan of, the 'Apprentice Adept' series by Piers Anthony... Also, Stubbs the Zombie soundtrack (less than five bucks!). So Monday should be interesting. I know you're probably reading this, thinking 'he can buy his bullshit books and cd's but can't afford food for his kids?' but I didn't say I couldn't buy them, I just said that I didn't know. I needed to give more thought into the area than I could have put forth at that moment. I've done the necessary calculations, and I should be able to afford it. Another note worthy thing, was that I thought that since we had gotten the foodstamps together she STILL considered them to be our foodstamps. She said last friday she went down to DES and changed that.
I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that I had asked her about things she had done, and she had not mentioned that.
I also know that she was in a bind that friday morning to find a copy machine to copy the immunization records for our children. I highly doubt she went down to the DES office and waited for an appointment. She might have filled out a change sheet but it would NOT have been effective on that Friday.

So she's lied to me again. So what, big deal, not like I didn't lie to her in the past. But I was covering up an addiction. Not that it excuses me from being equally as wrong. Addictions are horrible, I should have told her about my problem instead of lying to her. I admit this.
However I must note that it is in the nature of a person who is addicted to something that is hurting them and has the potential to hurt others, to lie about it. I have a problem, I do not lie about it. It is just as much of an addiction as cigarette smoking, alcoholism, or other commonly abused substances.

Companies every where have programs to help people who are addicted to substances. To help employees who are addicted. Of course they made them so that they don't get sued for firing someone with a problem, but the fact is, they exist.
I'm not saying, I'm special because I'm addicted. No, I think every one should have the option to receive help when they need it. Unfortunately not everyone has the choice to become addicted.

What else is going on with me? I can't say much else, other than list things I've been doing to make myself feel happier than I really am. Yay false happiness...

Things I've been doing to keep myself from killing myself:
Looking at porn (although I haven't since the most recent drama, but I do feel that almost ever present itch bearing down on me).
Playing Video Games.
Shopping Online (I found out I can get an ipod mini (4gig) for about 60-70 bucks).
Smoking Cigarettes.
Watching Carlos Mencia (aka Ned Mencia).

Everytime I see Carlos now, I just think... man this guy has it right...
I saw his comedy show on the uncut portion of Comedy Central and it was hilarious, yet thought provoking.
Anyway, pray for me. I'm afraid I really did ruin my life this time. Why not just end it? Because I want to salvage it.

A History Lesson

When I was a young child, I saw my parents having sex.
This statement is one that could be said by many of us. However I'm not certain how many of us could say that one of our parents was looking at pornography while doing it.

This image has haunted me for a long time. Not just because it's my parents, but because of what is involved in the image.

Sex, is supposed to be an expression of love. Is it love when your partner would rather look at a magazine while performing?

What kind of person would allow themselves to be subjected to this kind of humility?
I don't know what is worse...

I do know that since I was a child I have been looking at pornography. However my parents do not hold the blame for my problem entirely. It is also my own, I have neglected seeking help for a long time.

Today, I've looked up a twelve step program.
Recoveries Anonymous...
It seems very promising and I'm going to go to a store and try to find out more information, perhaps I will attend local meetings.

In the meantime, I'm still looking for a job, trying to help my ex as best as I can with childcare, and trying to assess my life.

As many of you do, I look at this world with disgust. I look at myself with disgust.
And I can't help but feel like it's impossible.
What's impossible you ask? The Human race.

Morality has been drip-drip-dripping down the drain for a long time now, in America. As I understand it in other countries, nudity is quite popular publicly.


I just hate it, I hate it all, I hate you, I hate me, I hate.

There's a few songs that can sing my hate, one of them I've enjoyed quite recently.
The Grouch, by Green Day.

"I was a young boy that had big plans."

All my plans of school, of college... delayed indefinitely.
Why? Because I didn't use a condom. 'That's not going to happen to me.'
Because I have the moral integrity to stay by my woman, when I made love to her, I said damn the consequences. Now they've damned me, and I'm willingly paying for it.
I don't regret having children, I regret having them early.

"Now I'm just another shitty old man."
I relate to this because I have failed my children. As a father, as a parent...
But I can still try, it is not all lost.

"I don't have fun and I hate everything."
I do, I absolutely do hate everything. I hate this website, I hate all websites, I hate the internet, I hate computers, videogames, books, science, sex, porn, cussing, living, dying, Republicans, Democrats, The President, Iran, Iraq, you name it, I hate it.
Do I have fun? Well, I suppose I am entertained for short periods, but I wouldn't say I'm having fun.

"The World owes me, so fuck you."
This is quite clearly a representation of greed. Unfortunately, despite my hate, and my anger, I am rendered powerless to do anything. Even when people intentionally anger me. I still smile, and treat them with the respect they deserve as human beings. If not because of their actions, then because of what they were born as. I play the better man, and lose.

"I've decomposed and my gut's getting fat"
I am decomposing, morally. And, to be honest, my gut is getting a little flabbier, I suppose that's a good thing considering I'm fairly skinny....

"Oh God I'm Turning Out Like My Dad"
You may have noticed there's emphasis in that line. It's because I do feel like I'm turning into my father. Whether he's willing to admit it or not, pornography has hurt the people he loves/loved in his life. It's hurt my mom, It's hurt my brother, It's hurt me, but most of all it hurt him.

But anyway, I figure you're probably pissed off by now about my boring ass relation to a song you've probably never heard anyway.

I just wish that one day, one day soon, I could wake up, and feel comforted that the world has finally realized it's not as important as it thinks, and that without a driving purpose that's clear, beyond "Survive, Reproduce, and Live Comfortably" that the human race is pointless.

I'm sure at this point you're all feeling like I'm just another one of those idiots who is depressed all the time.
I'm not depressed all the time, I'm just going through a rough patch.
but fuck you anyway.