So, I've been doing a little shopping on ebay. I figured paypal would bill my credit card, boy was I wrong.
Anyway, I came to be -37 dollars in my checking account. Sucks a bunch huh?
Now, the credit institution is coming after me for $107 dollars because apparently, they didn't get their cut via automatic payments.
On the upside, I had a very successful job interview with a bank today (not my bank), and hopefully by monday, I'll have myself a day job. :)
So, I'm having a very odd time with banks currently - hopefully I can get this job, and get my debt paid off in time.
In other news, Thursday I'll be looking for a new apartment with my fiance. Hopefully we'll be able to move in together. Anyway, if it's true that I move, look forward to less, and less of my posts. But I don't know, I'll have a couple jobs so I might have internets turned on. :)
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Monday, May 28, 2007
moving
also, i'm definitely moving back in to my apartment once I earn awesome money. :)
(my name is on the lease) if she doesn't like it, she can move, but my name is on the lease and I can pay for the space.
If anything, I'd want her to quit her job because they treat her horribly there.
(my name is on the lease) if she doesn't like it, she can move, but my name is on the lease and I can pay for the space.
If anything, I'd want her to quit her job because they treat her horribly there.
Friends
So, I've been catching up with some old friends of mine. It's been a lot of fun. I've been earning some pretty good money over at the domino's. I've been keeping off any urges, although staying up later has been an issue for concern as well as spending too much time on the internet.
:(
But fortunately for me, these items have not seriously interred anything to great. :)
I, at first was a little um.. precocious? about posting my identity online... well I think that might change. I have a problem and it has been helping me to explain it. Anyway, it's early, gotta go. see ya.
:(
But fortunately for me, these items have not seriously interred anything to great. :)
I, at first was a little um.. precocious? about posting my identity online... well I think that might change. I have a problem and it has been helping me to explain it. Anyway, it's early, gotta go. see ya.
Friday, May 25, 2007
Dominos
Well, I've got a delivery job at dominos now. It's minimum wage, but you know, there's tips too. :)
anyway, I'm just keeping up on reading some books. I made a couple of purchases on ebay and apparently paypal decided to bill my checking account instead of my credit card account so money is tight. I sold my second xbox to gamecrazy and I got 60 bucks back. With shipping and handling it costed a little more than that to get it, but I also got some hd cables, another controller, and an xbox carrying case - so it's not so bad.
Anyway, I've had felt urges recently, infact I get them just about every day.
But I have not relapsed.
I have witnessed pornography by accident (I was not intentionally looking for it, I was looking for a friends picture of his neighbor crashing into his house) and I was able to move on without continuing looking at it/thinking about it. So I am doing well in my struggles, but I have read that because of the circumstances regarding my current state, I am more enabled because I'm in what is called 'The Honey Moon Stage."
What that basically means, is that it's easier for me to not look at pornography because I've been 'shocked.' I need to practice because it will be harder in the future, because I won't have that shock, that fear. Of course it'd exist but it'd be much easier to overwrite it. Anyway, I continue to read my books and continue USE the books.
My dad said I have until the 15th of June to find a place to live. I don't know what I'm going to do. Try to find a place, I guess. :(
My ex-fiance (now girlfriend?) says she doesn't want me moving back in until I'm 'cured' or 'changed' but I don't know when/if that'll happen. :(
But she does seem like she needs me around more, and as long as I practice and keep up with my studies and stick to my stuff. Then I should be able to get past it, just fine. :)
Maybe she'll ask me to move in before June 15th... Here's hoping!
anyway, I'm just keeping up on reading some books. I made a couple of purchases on ebay and apparently paypal decided to bill my checking account instead of my credit card account so money is tight. I sold my second xbox to gamecrazy and I got 60 bucks back. With shipping and handling it costed a little more than that to get it, but I also got some hd cables, another controller, and an xbox carrying case - so it's not so bad.
Anyway, I've had felt urges recently, infact I get them just about every day.
But I have not relapsed.
I have witnessed pornography by accident (I was not intentionally looking for it, I was looking for a friends picture of his neighbor crashing into his house) and I was able to move on without continuing looking at it/thinking about it. So I am doing well in my struggles, but I have read that because of the circumstances regarding my current state, I am more enabled because I'm in what is called 'The Honey Moon Stage."
What that basically means, is that it's easier for me to not look at pornography because I've been 'shocked.' I need to practice because it will be harder in the future, because I won't have that shock, that fear. Of course it'd exist but it'd be much easier to overwrite it. Anyway, I continue to read my books and continue USE the books.
My dad said I have until the 15th of June to find a place to live. I don't know what I'm going to do. Try to find a place, I guess. :(
My ex-fiance (now girlfriend?) says she doesn't want me moving back in until I'm 'cured' or 'changed' but I don't know when/if that'll happen. :(
But she does seem like she needs me around more, and as long as I practice and keep up with my studies and stick to my stuff. Then I should be able to get past it, just fine. :)
Maybe she'll ask me to move in before June 15th... Here's hoping!
Wednesday, May 9, 2007
Job Hunting, Reading Books
I finally got my self help books in the mail.
I've been reading, and reading, and I've been feeling a lot better about myself.
I also have three job interviews today, another one scheduled for monday, I'm going to recieve a call this weekend about a job, and as soon as I finish a survey, Neutron will be interested in giving me a phone interview. https://shop.neutronindustries.com/b2c_SIP/b2c/init.do
Anyway, the ex and I haven't been keeping in that great of touch lately... one of her friends decided she didn't want to be her friend anymore. Which stinks. Anyway, I'll post about the conclusions of todays job interviews later. Have a good day!
I've been reading, and reading, and I've been feeling a lot better about myself.
I also have three job interviews today, another one scheduled for monday, I'm going to recieve a call this weekend about a job, and as soon as I finish a survey, Neutron will be interested in giving me a phone interview. https://shop.neutronindustries.com/b2c_SIP/b2c/init.do
Anyway, the ex and I haven't been keeping in that great of touch lately... one of her friends decided she didn't want to be her friend anymore. Which stinks. Anyway, I'll post about the conclusions of todays job interviews later. Have a good day!
Sunday, May 6, 2007
My Tire Blew Out
First things first, I'd like to tell you that I have edited my previous post because I felt those two topics were separate and I feel that it's important to try to keep on topic.
Anyway, driving back home from my mothers house, my tire blew out on the free way. I had a hell of a time changing the tire.
I'm tired and I will post more details about it tomorrow.
Anyway, driving back home from my mothers house, my tire blew out on the free way. I had a hell of a time changing the tire.
I'm tired and I will post more details about it tomorrow.
Stubbs The Zombie: "Rebel Without A Pulse"
I don't know how many people have heard of Stubbs The Zombie, but it is a MIGHTY impressive game. It's for PC/Mac/XBOX, it's based off of the Halo engine (ye old H1) and it really does rock.
Well, I'm a halo fan for one, and a big zombie fan as well... (after playing stubbs for xbox I downloaded the demo to take this picture http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c142/weclock/stubbs1.png check out the demo here http://files.filefront.com/SEARCH/;4592001;/fileinfo.html )
I've played halo, and for this I feel like, I'm getting to play it all over again, except from the viewpoint of the flood. But that's a really skewed opinion I have. It's just a really fun game with no connection to halo other than it uses the same engine. It's based in a futuristic city set in the '50s. The main character 'Stubbs' was a sales man in the 1930's and died, got buried in some place, then this guy Andrew Monday built the futuristic city on top of his grave. Stubbs decided he'd take a peek at what was going on... I guess... that or he just thought Andrew's mom was a hottie (through out the game, stubbs is searching after Andrews mother, who looks impressively young for someone her age). Anyway, you get to have Zombie hoards, throw your guts and make them explode, tear off your head use it as a bowling ball and blow up all kinds of stuff... It's freakin' awesome. The main reason why you probably didn'thear about the game was that it was released about the same time as halo2 I think.. that or the xbox360... I'm not too sure.
but it was overshadowed.
Anyway, the soundtrack is of worthy note, it has '50s songs covered by more recent bands 'Death Cab For Cutie' being one of them.
It's absolutely brilliant and I hope to see a sequel (although it's highly doubtful).
Well, I'm a halo fan for one, and a big zombie fan as well... (after playing stubbs for xbox I downloaded the demo to take this picture http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c142/weclock/stubbs1.png check out the demo here http://files.filefront.com/SEARCH/;4592001;/fileinfo.html )
I've played halo, and for this I feel like, I'm getting to play it all over again, except from the viewpoint of the flood. But that's a really skewed opinion I have. It's just a really fun game with no connection to halo other than it uses the same engine. It's based in a futuristic city set in the '50s. The main character 'Stubbs' was a sales man in the 1930's and died, got buried in some place, then this guy Andrew Monday built the futuristic city on top of his grave. Stubbs decided he'd take a peek at what was going on... I guess... that or he just thought Andrew's mom was a hottie (through out the game, stubbs is searching after Andrews mother, who looks impressively young for someone her age). Anyway, you get to have Zombie hoards, throw your guts and make them explode, tear off your head use it as a bowling ball and blow up all kinds of stuff... It's freakin' awesome. The main reason why you probably didn'thear about the game was that it was released about the same time as halo2 I think.. that or the xbox360... I'm not too sure.
but it was overshadowed.
Anyway, the soundtrack is of worthy note, it has '50s songs covered by more recent bands 'Death Cab For Cutie' being one of them.
It's absolutely brilliant and I hope to see a sequel (although it's highly doubtful).
PD:S B1 Review
Anyway, this week saw the opening of Perfect Dark: Source... the dev team did a bangup job on the artwork, however the coding side needs some work. Here's a short list...
In Widescreen you can see through walls
You can enable thirdperson without sv_cheats
There's a big FPS drop for some reason, maybe they forgot to hint...
Whenever you get shot it's like an N-bomb blew up in your ass.
Shotgun doesn't hurt people
Models Dissappear
Death Spectator is retarded, there's no easy way to respawn, I'm not sure if I have to click, press space, press enter, or just throw my mouse across the room.
But I absolutely loved the revivals of the levels. Ravine looked really awesome, but I didn't like how dark it was. And the Felicity's added 'areas' really sucked because all it did was make you turn around. It didn't increase the flow at all but just added more hiding spots.
In Widescreen you can see through walls
You can enable thirdperson without sv_cheats
There's a big FPS drop for some reason, maybe they forgot to hint...
Whenever you get shot it's like an N-bomb blew up in your ass.
Shotgun doesn't hurt people
Models Dissappear
Death Spectator is retarded, there's no easy way to respawn, I'm not sure if I have to click, press space, press enter, or just throw my mouse across the room.
But I absolutely loved the revivals of the levels. Ravine looked really awesome, but I didn't like how dark it was. And the Felicity's added 'areas' really sucked because all it did was make you turn around. It didn't increase the flow at all but just added more hiding spots.
Interesting Developments
A million things to say, since I've been neglecting my diary.
Let's start with the 'good' stuff.
So, I went out with my ex to see spiderman three.
It was a great movie, we had a fun time together.
After the movie, we went to pick up our kids.
It was alright, her friend let them borrow some clothes because they needed baths...
Anyway, after we arrived at her place, she was telling me that I had to buy some baby food for our sons. I normally wouldn't mind except, I have no job, and I may not have a lot of money come next week. Or After even.
She saw this as me refusing to accept my responsibilities as a parent. I didn't say 'I'm not ever going to buy food, I expect you to do it.' I just said that I'm going to be having a tough time. I'm not even sure if it's a good idea for me to be around the children at this point.
Anyway, she took it like I was shirking my responsibilities... I lost my head and threw down my bills at the ground. I also grunted quite loudly.
Anyway, I told her that I wasn't ready to talk just yet. I've been having a really hard time. I love her, I love our sons. I love them so much. I just feel like a complete and utter loser. Maybe that's what I am. Can I turn myself around? I don't know unless I try. Is it worth trying?
Anyway, we continued fighting and yelling, she said she didn't want me to go near her, when I went near her to talk to her, then she drove around and put the kids in the apartment.
Then came back, and demanded I give her my set of the apartment keys. I said I wasn't ready yet, and that I'd give them back when I was ready. She demanded that she have them right then and there.
Which made me feel even more like a loser. I just wanted to kill myself. I didn't want to see the light of day anymore. It is so painful to know every day that I have let not only myself down, but my family.
To look in to my children's faces... to see them smiling... It hurts. They have no clue what is going on. They miss their mother, they miss me... I hate this. Who's fault is it? It's my own. But I need to talk to someone. She doesn't want to talk to me.
Not like I can blame her, but she wanted to be friends. I don't know if she still does. I want to try to get back together. But how can I get back together with her when I can barely hold myself together?
Anyway, back on topic, she got the keys, and went back inside. I followed her and knocked on the door. She told me to go away. I asked for my phone and my charger (I am currently paying phone service for three phones, her sister has one, she has one, and I have one). I understand that I bought the phone with the service. I signed a contract with T-Mobile and they gave ME discounted prices on their phones because of it.
Anyway, she said she would, but she had to delete the names off of it first.
Instead of immediately deleting the names/numbers she called some one. After waiting patiently for anywhere between 10-20 minutes I decided to knock on the door again. There was no answer. So then I decided maybe I'd tap the window if she couldn't hear the door knocker. There was no answer. So then I decided to call. It immediately clicked off, showing that either the phone was in use or that she turned off the phone. I called back a second later and it rang a full amount, to voice mail. Clearly her phone was not off. She called me back, and told me that she called the cops and that she didn't want to talk to me. I begged her to talk to me, because I was feeling suicidal, sad, depressed, angry....
I told her that she didn't have to come outside, that I just wanted to talk and we can do that over the phone. She told me that my behavior frightened her and that she didn't want to talk. She insisted she was going to delete the names off of her phone and give it to me. I told her not to bother because I was leaving. I walked towards my car, and entered it. It was there that she told me she didn't care about me at all.
My behavior totally disappointed her. That I was not a real man. I came to her asking her for help. I apologized for my previous behavior. She still was not satisfied.
Earlier in the week I had sacrificed my day to help her, I need to find a job, and she needed to get day care in-line, get groceries, and get a car situation figured out.
I took her to the DES facility, I took her to the Daycare facility, I took her to get groceries, and I watched our children while she figured out a car situation.
I told her the day before that my aim was to go job-hunting that day and that I could probably only help her with getting to DES and back. She didn't ask for my help, and I do not expect anything in return, I'm just taking this time to point out, that she needed help, and I helped her. Not because I wanted to look good, but because I love her, because I love our children.
Anyway, I'm highly anticipating receiving some materials to help my addiction in the mail.
I've also ordered some books I'm a fan of, the 'Apprentice Adept' series by Piers Anthony... Also, Stubbs the Zombie soundtrack (less than five bucks!). So Monday should be interesting. I know you're probably reading this, thinking 'he can buy his bullshit books and cd's but can't afford food for his kids?' but I didn't say I couldn't buy them, I just said that I didn't know. I needed to give more thought into the area than I could have put forth at that moment. I've done the necessary calculations, and I should be able to afford it. Another note worthy thing, was that I thought that since we had gotten the foodstamps together she STILL considered them to be our foodstamps. She said last friday she went down to DES and changed that.
I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that I had asked her about things she had done, and she had not mentioned that.
I also know that she was in a bind that friday morning to find a copy machine to copy the immunization records for our children. I highly doubt she went down to the DES office and waited for an appointment. She might have filled out a change sheet but it would NOT have been effective on that Friday.
So she's lied to me again. So what, big deal, not like I didn't lie to her in the past. But I was covering up an addiction. Not that it excuses me from being equally as wrong. Addictions are horrible, I should have told her about my problem instead of lying to her. I admit this.
However I must note that it is in the nature of a person who is addicted to something that is hurting them and has the potential to hurt others, to lie about it. I have a problem, I do not lie about it. It is just as much of an addiction as cigarette smoking, alcoholism, or other commonly abused substances.
Companies every where have programs to help people who are addicted to substances. To help employees who are addicted. Of course they made them so that they don't get sued for firing someone with a problem, but the fact is, they exist.
I'm not saying, I'm special because I'm addicted. No, I think every one should have the option to receive help when they need it. Unfortunately not everyone has the choice to become addicted.
What else is going on with me? I can't say much else, other than list things I've been doing to make myself feel happier than I really am. Yay false happiness...
Things I've been doing to keep myself from killing myself:
Looking at porn (although I haven't since the most recent drama, but I do feel that almost ever present itch bearing down on me).
Playing Video Games.
Shopping Online (I found out I can get an ipod mini (4gig) for about 60-70 bucks).
Smoking Cigarettes.
Watching Carlos Mencia (aka Ned Mencia).
Everytime I see Carlos now, I just think... man this guy has it right...
I saw his comedy show on the uncut portion of Comedy Central and it was hilarious, yet thought provoking.
Anyway, pray for me. I'm afraid I really did ruin my life this time. Why not just end it? Because I want to salvage it.
Let's start with the 'good' stuff.
So, I went out with my ex to see spiderman three.
It was a great movie, we had a fun time together.
After the movie, we went to pick up our kids.
It was alright, her friend let them borrow some clothes because they needed baths...
Anyway, after we arrived at her place, she was telling me that I had to buy some baby food for our sons. I normally wouldn't mind except, I have no job, and I may not have a lot of money come next week. Or After even.
She saw this as me refusing to accept my responsibilities as a parent. I didn't say 'I'm not ever going to buy food, I expect you to do it.' I just said that I'm going to be having a tough time. I'm not even sure if it's a good idea for me to be around the children at this point.
Anyway, she took it like I was shirking my responsibilities... I lost my head and threw down my bills at the ground. I also grunted quite loudly.
Anyway, I told her that I wasn't ready to talk just yet. I've been having a really hard time. I love her, I love our sons. I love them so much. I just feel like a complete and utter loser. Maybe that's what I am. Can I turn myself around? I don't know unless I try. Is it worth trying?
Anyway, we continued fighting and yelling, she said she didn't want me to go near her, when I went near her to talk to her, then she drove around and put the kids in the apartment.
Then came back, and demanded I give her my set of the apartment keys. I said I wasn't ready yet, and that I'd give them back when I was ready. She demanded that she have them right then and there.
Which made me feel even more like a loser. I just wanted to kill myself. I didn't want to see the light of day anymore. It is so painful to know every day that I have let not only myself down, but my family.
To look in to my children's faces... to see them smiling... It hurts. They have no clue what is going on. They miss their mother, they miss me... I hate this. Who's fault is it? It's my own. But I need to talk to someone. She doesn't want to talk to me.
Not like I can blame her, but she wanted to be friends. I don't know if she still does. I want to try to get back together. But how can I get back together with her when I can barely hold myself together?
Anyway, back on topic, she got the keys, and went back inside. I followed her and knocked on the door. She told me to go away. I asked for my phone and my charger (I am currently paying phone service for three phones, her sister has one, she has one, and I have one). I understand that I bought the phone with the service. I signed a contract with T-Mobile and they gave ME discounted prices on their phones because of it.
Anyway, she said she would, but she had to delete the names off of it first.
Instead of immediately deleting the names/numbers she called some one. After waiting patiently for anywhere between 10-20 minutes I decided to knock on the door again. There was no answer. So then I decided maybe I'd tap the window if she couldn't hear the door knocker. There was no answer. So then I decided to call. It immediately clicked off, showing that either the phone was in use or that she turned off the phone. I called back a second later and it rang a full amount, to voice mail. Clearly her phone was not off. She called me back, and told me that she called the cops and that she didn't want to talk to me. I begged her to talk to me, because I was feeling suicidal, sad, depressed, angry....
I told her that she didn't have to come outside, that I just wanted to talk and we can do that over the phone. She told me that my behavior frightened her and that she didn't want to talk. She insisted she was going to delete the names off of her phone and give it to me. I told her not to bother because I was leaving. I walked towards my car, and entered it. It was there that she told me she didn't care about me at all.
My behavior totally disappointed her. That I was not a real man. I came to her asking her for help. I apologized for my previous behavior. She still was not satisfied.
Earlier in the week I had sacrificed my day to help her, I need to find a job, and she needed to get day care in-line, get groceries, and get a car situation figured out.
I took her to the DES facility, I took her to the Daycare facility, I took her to get groceries, and I watched our children while she figured out a car situation.
I told her the day before that my aim was to go job-hunting that day and that I could probably only help her with getting to DES and back. She didn't ask for my help, and I do not expect anything in return, I'm just taking this time to point out, that she needed help, and I helped her. Not because I wanted to look good, but because I love her, because I love our children.
Anyway, I'm highly anticipating receiving some materials to help my addiction in the mail.
I've also ordered some books I'm a fan of, the 'Apprentice Adept' series by Piers Anthony... Also, Stubbs the Zombie soundtrack (less than five bucks!). So Monday should be interesting. I know you're probably reading this, thinking 'he can buy his bullshit books and cd's but can't afford food for his kids?' but I didn't say I couldn't buy them, I just said that I didn't know. I needed to give more thought into the area than I could have put forth at that moment. I've done the necessary calculations, and I should be able to afford it. Another note worthy thing, was that I thought that since we had gotten the foodstamps together she STILL considered them to be our foodstamps. She said last friday she went down to DES and changed that.
I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know that I had asked her about things she had done, and she had not mentioned that.
I also know that she was in a bind that friday morning to find a copy machine to copy the immunization records for our children. I highly doubt she went down to the DES office and waited for an appointment. She might have filled out a change sheet but it would NOT have been effective on that Friday.
So she's lied to me again. So what, big deal, not like I didn't lie to her in the past. But I was covering up an addiction. Not that it excuses me from being equally as wrong. Addictions are horrible, I should have told her about my problem instead of lying to her. I admit this.
However I must note that it is in the nature of a person who is addicted to something that is hurting them and has the potential to hurt others, to lie about it. I have a problem, I do not lie about it. It is just as much of an addiction as cigarette smoking, alcoholism, or other commonly abused substances.
Companies every where have programs to help people who are addicted to substances. To help employees who are addicted. Of course they made them so that they don't get sued for firing someone with a problem, but the fact is, they exist.
I'm not saying, I'm special because I'm addicted. No, I think every one should have the option to receive help when they need it. Unfortunately not everyone has the choice to become addicted.
What else is going on with me? I can't say much else, other than list things I've been doing to make myself feel happier than I really am. Yay false happiness...
Things I've been doing to keep myself from killing myself:
Looking at porn (although I haven't since the most recent drama, but I do feel that almost ever present itch bearing down on me).
Playing Video Games.
Shopping Online (I found out I can get an ipod mini (4gig) for about 60-70 bucks).
Smoking Cigarettes.
Watching Carlos Mencia (aka Ned Mencia).
Everytime I see Carlos now, I just think... man this guy has it right...
I saw his comedy show on the uncut portion of Comedy Central and it was hilarious, yet thought provoking.
Anyway, pray for me. I'm afraid I really did ruin my life this time. Why not just end it? Because I want to salvage it.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
A History Lesson
When I was a young child, I saw my parents having sex.
This statement is one that could be said by many of us. However I'm not certain how many of us could say that one of our parents was looking at pornography while doing it.
This image has haunted me for a long time. Not just because it's my parents, but because of what is involved in the image.
Sex, is supposed to be an expression of love. Is it love when your partner would rather look at a magazine while performing?
What kind of person would allow themselves to be subjected to this kind of humility?
I don't know what is worse...
I do know that since I was a child I have been looking at pornography. However my parents do not hold the blame for my problem entirely. It is also my own, I have neglected seeking help for a long time.
Today, I've looked up a twelve step program.
Recoveries Anonymous...
It seems very promising and I'm going to go to a store and try to find out more information, perhaps I will attend local meetings.
In the meantime, I'm still looking for a job, trying to help my ex as best as I can with childcare, and trying to assess my life.
As many of you do, I look at this world with disgust. I look at myself with disgust.
And I can't help but feel like it's impossible.
What's impossible you ask? The Human race.
Morality has been drip-drip-dripping down the drain for a long time now, in America. As I understand it in other countries, nudity is quite popular publicly.
I just hate it, I hate it all, I hate you, I hate me, I hate.
There's a few songs that can sing my hate, one of them I've enjoyed quite recently.
The Grouch, by Green Day.
"I was a young boy that had big plans."
All my plans of school, of college... delayed indefinitely.
Why? Because I didn't use a condom. 'That's not going to happen to me.'
Because I have the moral integrity to stay by my woman, when I made love to her, I said damn the consequences. Now they've damned me, and I'm willingly paying for it.
I don't regret having children, I regret having them early.
"Now I'm just another shitty old man."
I relate to this because I have failed my children. As a father, as a parent...
But I can still try, it is not all lost.
"I don't have fun and I hate everything."
I do, I absolutely do hate everything. I hate this website, I hate all websites, I hate the internet, I hate computers, videogames, books, science, sex, porn, cussing, living, dying, Republicans, Democrats, The President, Iran, Iraq, you name it, I hate it.
Do I have fun? Well, I suppose I am entertained for short periods, but I wouldn't say I'm having fun.
"The World owes me, so fuck you."
This is quite clearly a representation of greed. Unfortunately, despite my hate, and my anger, I am rendered powerless to do anything. Even when people intentionally anger me. I still smile, and treat them with the respect they deserve as human beings. If not because of their actions, then because of what they were born as. I play the better man, and lose.
"I've decomposed and my gut's getting fat"
I am decomposing, morally. And, to be honest, my gut is getting a little flabbier, I suppose that's a good thing considering I'm fairly skinny....
"Oh God I'm Turning Out Like My Dad"
You may have noticed there's emphasis in that line. It's because I do feel like I'm turning into my father. Whether he's willing to admit it or not, pornography has hurt the people he loves/loved in his life. It's hurt my mom, It's hurt my brother, It's hurt me, but most of all it hurt him.
But anyway, I figure you're probably pissed off by now about my boring ass relation to a song you've probably never heard anyway.
I just wish that one day, one day soon, I could wake up, and feel comforted that the world has finally realized it's not as important as it thinks, and that without a driving purpose that's clear, beyond "Survive, Reproduce, and Live Comfortably" that the human race is pointless.
I'm sure at this point you're all feeling like I'm just another one of those idiots who is depressed all the time.
I'm not depressed all the time, I'm just going through a rough patch.
but fuck you anyway.
This statement is one that could be said by many of us. However I'm not certain how many of us could say that one of our parents was looking at pornography while doing it.
This image has haunted me for a long time. Not just because it's my parents, but because of what is involved in the image.
Sex, is supposed to be an expression of love. Is it love when your partner would rather look at a magazine while performing?
What kind of person would allow themselves to be subjected to this kind of humility?
I don't know what is worse...
I do know that since I was a child I have been looking at pornography. However my parents do not hold the blame for my problem entirely. It is also my own, I have neglected seeking help for a long time.
Today, I've looked up a twelve step program.
Recoveries Anonymous...
It seems very promising and I'm going to go to a store and try to find out more information, perhaps I will attend local meetings.
In the meantime, I'm still looking for a job, trying to help my ex as best as I can with childcare, and trying to assess my life.
As many of you do, I look at this world with disgust. I look at myself with disgust.
And I can't help but feel like it's impossible.
What's impossible you ask? The Human race.
Morality has been drip-drip-dripping down the drain for a long time now, in America. As I understand it in other countries, nudity is quite popular publicly.
I just hate it, I hate it all, I hate you, I hate me, I hate.
There's a few songs that can sing my hate, one of them I've enjoyed quite recently.
The Grouch, by Green Day.
"I was a young boy that had big plans."
All my plans of school, of college... delayed indefinitely.
Why? Because I didn't use a condom. 'That's not going to happen to me.'
Because I have the moral integrity to stay by my woman, when I made love to her, I said damn the consequences. Now they've damned me, and I'm willingly paying for it.
I don't regret having children, I regret having them early.
"Now I'm just another shitty old man."
I relate to this because I have failed my children. As a father, as a parent...
But I can still try, it is not all lost.
"I don't have fun and I hate everything."
I do, I absolutely do hate everything. I hate this website, I hate all websites, I hate the internet, I hate computers, videogames, books, science, sex, porn, cussing, living, dying, Republicans, Democrats, The President, Iran, Iraq, you name it, I hate it.
Do I have fun? Well, I suppose I am entertained for short periods, but I wouldn't say I'm having fun.
"The World owes me, so fuck you."
This is quite clearly a representation of greed. Unfortunately, despite my hate, and my anger, I am rendered powerless to do anything. Even when people intentionally anger me. I still smile, and treat them with the respect they deserve as human beings. If not because of their actions, then because of what they were born as. I play the better man, and lose.
"I've decomposed and my gut's getting fat"
I am decomposing, morally. And, to be honest, my gut is getting a little flabbier, I suppose that's a good thing considering I'm fairly skinny....
"Oh God I'm Turning Out Like My Dad"
You may have noticed there's emphasis in that line. It's because I do feel like I'm turning into my father. Whether he's willing to admit it or not, pornography has hurt the people he loves/loved in his life. It's hurt my mom, It's hurt my brother, It's hurt me, but most of all it hurt him.
But anyway, I figure you're probably pissed off by now about my boring ass relation to a song you've probably never heard anyway.
I just wish that one day, one day soon, I could wake up, and feel comforted that the world has finally realized it's not as important as it thinks, and that without a driving purpose that's clear, beyond "Survive, Reproduce, and Live Comfortably" that the human race is pointless.
I'm sure at this point you're all feeling like I'm just another one of those idiots who is depressed all the time.
I'm not depressed all the time, I'm just going through a rough patch.
but fuck you anyway.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
I have a problem
I have a problem with what I call pornography addiction. It is not just that I look at images of women in sexual positions (or read about them), but that I also am ashamed of it, and no longer how hard I attempt to cease viewing pornography, or how much I succeed, eventually I succumb to this temptation.
So far it has ruined the best thing in my life.
Me.
It has also hurt many more people than I can count, but here's a few anyway...
My Fiance and my Children.
I'm just hoping that my children are young enough to be able to forget what I've done.
Basically, what I would do, is I would spend my free time on the internet, or if not on the internet, infront of a computer with internet.
Then, once I was all out of things to occupy my time, I would start to feel lusty. Not horny per se, because I was not necessarily in a state of arousal, I just had an urge to see women naked and in as many different positions as possible.
I understand that it's very normal to want to view the female figure, especially for males. However when I wish to not look at something, I should not feel compelled to do it anyway.
Today, I've spent two or more hours trying to find some kind of help online. Maybe I could purchase a book, or some CD's to try to help me. Unfortunately for me, everything I've found has been of a Christian nature. I am not Christian myself, nor do I wish to be. I've found that things that are of a Christian nature do not ring loudly to me, if I know they are of a Christian nature.
Why isn't there a resource available for people who want to quit their pornography addiction without converting to Christianity? On a lesser note, how come Christianity is seemingly the only religion willing to help people with their problem and how come the Christian Church is the only one that strongly identifies pornography as a problem (excluding of course Feminist rights groups)?
I'm hoping that through this blog, I can maintain some kind of self-help. Even though I know it is wrong I am still compelled to look at pornography. Even now.
So far it has ruined the best thing in my life.
Me.
It has also hurt many more people than I can count, but here's a few anyway...
My Fiance and my Children.
I'm just hoping that my children are young enough to be able to forget what I've done.
Basically, what I would do, is I would spend my free time on the internet, or if not on the internet, infront of a computer with internet.
Then, once I was all out of things to occupy my time, I would start to feel lusty. Not horny per se, because I was not necessarily in a state of arousal, I just had an urge to see women naked and in as many different positions as possible.
I understand that it's very normal to want to view the female figure, especially for males. However when I wish to not look at something, I should not feel compelled to do it anyway.
Today, I've spent two or more hours trying to find some kind of help online. Maybe I could purchase a book, or some CD's to try to help me. Unfortunately for me, everything I've found has been of a Christian nature. I am not Christian myself, nor do I wish to be. I've found that things that are of a Christian nature do not ring loudly to me, if I know they are of a Christian nature.
Why isn't there a resource available for people who want to quit their pornography addiction without converting to Christianity? On a lesser note, how come Christianity is seemingly the only religion willing to help people with their problem and how come the Christian Church is the only one that strongly identifies pornography as a problem (excluding of course Feminist rights groups)?
I'm hoping that through this blog, I can maintain some kind of self-help. Even though I know it is wrong I am still compelled to look at pornography. Even now.
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