She says she doesn't like me.
Maybe I deserve it for being playful for when she's tired.
I don't know if I do, but I do know it hurts.
She said she'd put the spaghetti away.
Then she's too tired to.
I give her a foot rub.
She says she doesn't like me.
It's not the full situation, but this is how I feel.
I'm going to play pokemon until I fall asleep.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Saturday, June 23, 2007
One Million and One Things To Think About
Ok, so to bring you all up to speed. Melissa and I have gotten over our past fights. We're back together.
Anyway, as of late, she's been feeling nervous, as I understand women who are in this situation do. She peeked in on me, to make sure I hadn't relapsed. I haven't. But I did view a particularly promiscuous image.
I shall link to it here.
http://www.alexfish.com/kirsten_d/Kirsten_Dunst008.jpeg
Anyway, I'll give you the context.
On The myspace forums, in the videogame subforum, I posted this picture in response to someone posting a half-naked picture of Brad Pitt.
It was stupid, I know.
No reason to do it, other than I thought it would have been a funny commentary. A yang to their Ying if you would.
Well, I didn't take all day to look at it, I posted it and moved on. I didn't relapse. The image left my mind as quickly as it entered.
So, she comes to me and she feels like I'm lying to her. That I have been looking at it. I look at the situation and no, it doesn't help me. I should just stay away from it all together, even if I don't have the uncontrollable urge to continue looking at images that are portrayed in such a manner (because even if the subject manner is not erotic if it's posed in an erotic manner it is still pornography).
Anyway, she tells me that I'm not the man she fell in love with. To be honest I never was. When we met I was still a child, viewing pornographic images on a daily basis, spending large amounts of time playing video games, and not at all being cleanly or family orientated. Can I really be to blame for not being that, although I was for being that?
Perhaps a look at my family might help provide a clearer look. Seeing as my dad is into pornographic and violent material, and typically prefers to be alone, I myself followed the same structure. I would while away the hours, viewing pornography and playing violent stolen videogames. Perhaps that's what most kids do these days. My friends did it, my dad did it, why shouldn't I have done it?
Because it's wrong.
I realized that then, but I figured that since I've been doing it and I've had no problems, why should I stop?
I've seen the problems. I'm changing my ways, FINALLY. It's taken me damn near forever to muster up the courage and the strength that's been hiding inside me. I wouldn't have been able to do it if it weren't for her. She knocked me on my ass. What was I doing? She worked all day, I watched the kids, and while they were asleep, what did I do?
I broke my promise.
I viewed pornography and I lied.
I betrayed her trust.
And she told me I have to leave.
I agreed, for the sake of our children.
Well, it's come to this now. I'm changing, and of course because I sought fit to lie to her in the past, she has difficulty believing me. This is my punishment.
I cannot just change, but I have to make things right with the ones I've harmed.
I will suffer greatly because of my lies. But to conquer this, even though I suffer I will not yield to my past urges. I will not yield to who I was. I will be who I am, and who I always wanted to be.
I can never undo the damage that I've done. I can only not do it again.
She says, she doesn't know who I am, because today during my breaks from cleaning, I spent time on my computer, like I always did. Posting in forums and reading up on video game news.
These are my primary sources of entertainment. I am a geek. I love talking about video games, I love hearing about video games, I love reading about video games. This is my hobby.
Is my hobby interfering with my life?
I cannot talk about video games with her. She has made this clear as she does not keep up with them, nor does she play them anymore (I don't play them as much either, but I do enjoy socializing about them).
My sons are not old enough to enjoy my hobby to it's fullest extent, yet.
She's right, it would have been more entertaining for us to have played a board game. I would have thoroughly enjoyed it, but today it seemed that every time we had a break, she had something that she wanted to do.
She was tired, so she wanted to lay down. She wanted to put her make up on (takes forever, am I right guys?), she wanted to take her makeup off (oh my god, that takes even longer!), or she didn't want to take a break.
Granted, I could have played with my children, but anyone who has children knows that when it's time to clean it's time to put the children somewhere where they can't make a mess (or if they can, make sure it's small). You can't bring them out, play with them, and then tell them 'ok it's time for me to clean!'
They're going to be upset and they can't understand. Besides that they'll probably make a mess of the area you were cleaning in, or if you take them to a place you've cleaned, they'll mess that up, or if you take them to an area that's going to be cleaned, they'll make it even worse.
Children make messes.
Especially when you can't reason with them to pick it up afterward.
But she says that I've been spending too much time online, so I told her that if it really does concern her, I will curb it. I love her and if she says she thinks somethings wrong then I'm going to check it out. Let's be reasonable and honest.
She also was saying that she thought that I don't have enough initiative when it comes to the children. But I do say that I do a lot for them without being told to do so. I read to them, I rough house with them, I feed them even. Change them, bathe them, I feel like I do damn well enough.
Anyway, as if I weren't stressed out enough about that, but my work has been insanely slow (I deliver pizzas). I mean, yesterday I worked for three hours and I delivered three pizzas.
In case anyone doesn't know, but it would be common for a Pizza man to deliver 3-4 Pizzas an HOUR.
I want to work, I want it to be busy, and I want to bring home money. But I can't do it if nobody orders pizzas or tips the pizza guy a decent amount (10-15% is all we're asking. on a 20 dollar order that's only 2 bucks!). It's not like I'm not favored either, we're just not getting a lot of business.
A couple of days ago, I called the maintenance for my apartment because we've had a hole in our bathroom ceiling for months. What had happened was the drain from above our apartment was leaking and it made a bubble in our ceiling. They had someone come down and fix the leak, but they didn't patch up the hole they left.
They also didn't work on the lightswitch I had called about too.
Our dishwasher was also on the fritz, so I decided I'd take the plates/dishes/whathaveyou from the dishwasher into the sink, when I realized he'd probably need to get into the sink, so I put them in the bathtub.
So the maintenance man comes, he looks at the dishwasher and doesn't tell me anything.
He looks at the lightswitch and replaces it.
He looks at the hole in the ceiling, asks me if they still had the original drywall they cut out, and I told him I don't know seeing as it's been a long time. Then I say that they probably didn't because it was so badly damaged.
Anyway, he leaves, says he'll be back later with some drywall. Whatever, fine, as long as it gets fixed, what do I care?
Anyway, a day later I get two letters. One letter telling me that I have to get rid of my cats or pay $400 dollars to them. And another letter saying that my house is in such a bad condition that if it's not cleaned up in 5 days they'll have to evict me because it's a health issue.
I got rid of the cats.
But the only bad thing there was about my house was that, yes I had dishes in the tub. But that was only so the mother fucker could work on the god damn dishwasher.
Anyway, I feel like my home has been invaded. This douchebag comes in, fixes my lightswitch, and then taddles on me.
what the fuck? Am I right or what?
So anyway, we're making sure the house is spotless (as possible, with kids you know), so that when they come to inspect it, we can put our foot up their asses. This is absolutely ridiculous.
I didn't put that hole in the ceiling, they did and they never fixed it.
Just so you all know, this is La Mirada.
La Mirada apartments is full of bullshit and if you ever see someone who works there or the building itself, I encourage you to show as much disrespect as you feel you can morally give to someone or something so terrible.
Anyway, to the topic of this thread, One Million and One Things To Think About...
It shows that I have a lot of stresses going on right now. Stresses with the woman, Stresses with the job, and stresses with my own goddamn apartment building (not to mention that I need to get my car checked out, the engine keeps turning off and I don't have any money for to fix it), that all lead up to these problems that I have to think about. I think about it, and maybe I am using the internet to escape my problems. I have a lot of fucking problems.
Sure I don't have it as bad as the next guy, there's always someone better than you/worse than you. But Damn it this is my blog, this is my place to bitch and whine.
I've finally come around to realize the right thing to do, and now I have to suffer and pay like never before. That's irony for ya.
Not to say that I don't deserve it, it's just that some of it, I wish could have waited until later. I just have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan for me and that every tip I get is a blessing. Well, I really don't know how to end this so here's the publish post.
Anyway, as of late, she's been feeling nervous, as I understand women who are in this situation do. She peeked in on me, to make sure I hadn't relapsed. I haven't. But I did view a particularly promiscuous image.
I shall link to it here.
http://www.alexfish.com/kirsten_d/Kirsten_Dunst008.jpeg
Anyway, I'll give you the context.
On The myspace forums, in the videogame subforum, I posted this picture in response to someone posting a half-naked picture of Brad Pitt.
It was stupid, I know.
No reason to do it, other than I thought it would have been a funny commentary. A yang to their Ying if you would.
Well, I didn't take all day to look at it, I posted it and moved on. I didn't relapse. The image left my mind as quickly as it entered.
So, she comes to me and she feels like I'm lying to her. That I have been looking at it. I look at the situation and no, it doesn't help me. I should just stay away from it all together, even if I don't have the uncontrollable urge to continue looking at images that are portrayed in such a manner (because even if the subject manner is not erotic if it's posed in an erotic manner it is still pornography).
Anyway, she tells me that I'm not the man she fell in love with. To be honest I never was. When we met I was still a child, viewing pornographic images on a daily basis, spending large amounts of time playing video games, and not at all being cleanly or family orientated. Can I really be to blame for not being that, although I was for being that?
Perhaps a look at my family might help provide a clearer look. Seeing as my dad is into pornographic and violent material, and typically prefers to be alone, I myself followed the same structure. I would while away the hours, viewing pornography and playing violent stolen videogames. Perhaps that's what most kids do these days. My friends did it, my dad did it, why shouldn't I have done it?
Because it's wrong.
I realized that then, but I figured that since I've been doing it and I've had no problems, why should I stop?
I've seen the problems. I'm changing my ways, FINALLY. It's taken me damn near forever to muster up the courage and the strength that's been hiding inside me. I wouldn't have been able to do it if it weren't for her. She knocked me on my ass. What was I doing? She worked all day, I watched the kids, and while they were asleep, what did I do?
I broke my promise.
I viewed pornography and I lied.
I betrayed her trust.
And she told me I have to leave.
I agreed, for the sake of our children.
Well, it's come to this now. I'm changing, and of course because I sought fit to lie to her in the past, she has difficulty believing me. This is my punishment.
I cannot just change, but I have to make things right with the ones I've harmed.
I will suffer greatly because of my lies. But to conquer this, even though I suffer I will not yield to my past urges. I will not yield to who I was. I will be who I am, and who I always wanted to be.
I can never undo the damage that I've done. I can only not do it again.
She says, she doesn't know who I am, because today during my breaks from cleaning, I spent time on my computer, like I always did. Posting in forums and reading up on video game news.
These are my primary sources of entertainment. I am a geek. I love talking about video games, I love hearing about video games, I love reading about video games. This is my hobby.
Is my hobby interfering with my life?
I cannot talk about video games with her. She has made this clear as she does not keep up with them, nor does she play them anymore (I don't play them as much either, but I do enjoy socializing about them).
My sons are not old enough to enjoy my hobby to it's fullest extent, yet.
She's right, it would have been more entertaining for us to have played a board game. I would have thoroughly enjoyed it, but today it seemed that every time we had a break, she had something that she wanted to do.
She was tired, so she wanted to lay down. She wanted to put her make up on (takes forever, am I right guys?), she wanted to take her makeup off (oh my god, that takes even longer!), or she didn't want to take a break.
Granted, I could have played with my children, but anyone who has children knows that when it's time to clean it's time to put the children somewhere where they can't make a mess (or if they can, make sure it's small). You can't bring them out, play with them, and then tell them 'ok it's time for me to clean!'
They're going to be upset and they can't understand. Besides that they'll probably make a mess of the area you were cleaning in, or if you take them to a place you've cleaned, they'll mess that up, or if you take them to an area that's going to be cleaned, they'll make it even worse.
Children make messes.
Especially when you can't reason with them to pick it up afterward.
But she says that I've been spending too much time online, so I told her that if it really does concern her, I will curb it. I love her and if she says she thinks somethings wrong then I'm going to check it out. Let's be reasonable and honest.
She also was saying that she thought that I don't have enough initiative when it comes to the children. But I do say that I do a lot for them without being told to do so. I read to them, I rough house with them, I feed them even. Change them, bathe them, I feel like I do damn well enough.
Anyway, as if I weren't stressed out enough about that, but my work has been insanely slow (I deliver pizzas). I mean, yesterday I worked for three hours and I delivered three pizzas.
In case anyone doesn't know, but it would be common for a Pizza man to deliver 3-4 Pizzas an HOUR.
I want to work, I want it to be busy, and I want to bring home money. But I can't do it if nobody orders pizzas or tips the pizza guy a decent amount (10-15% is all we're asking. on a 20 dollar order that's only 2 bucks!). It's not like I'm not favored either, we're just not getting a lot of business.
A couple of days ago, I called the maintenance for my apartment because we've had a hole in our bathroom ceiling for months. What had happened was the drain from above our apartment was leaking and it made a bubble in our ceiling. They had someone come down and fix the leak, but they didn't patch up the hole they left.
They also didn't work on the lightswitch I had called about too.
Our dishwasher was also on the fritz, so I decided I'd take the plates/dishes/whathaveyou from the dishwasher into the sink, when I realized he'd probably need to get into the sink, so I put them in the bathtub.
So the maintenance man comes, he looks at the dishwasher and doesn't tell me anything.
He looks at the lightswitch and replaces it.
He looks at the hole in the ceiling, asks me if they still had the original drywall they cut out, and I told him I don't know seeing as it's been a long time. Then I say that they probably didn't because it was so badly damaged.
Anyway, he leaves, says he'll be back later with some drywall. Whatever, fine, as long as it gets fixed, what do I care?
Anyway, a day later I get two letters. One letter telling me that I have to get rid of my cats or pay $400 dollars to them. And another letter saying that my house is in such a bad condition that if it's not cleaned up in 5 days they'll have to evict me because it's a health issue.
I got rid of the cats.
But the only bad thing there was about my house was that, yes I had dishes in the tub. But that was only so the mother fucker could work on the god damn dishwasher.
Anyway, I feel like my home has been invaded. This douchebag comes in, fixes my lightswitch, and then taddles on me.
what the fuck? Am I right or what?
So anyway, we're making sure the house is spotless (as possible, with kids you know), so that when they come to inspect it, we can put our foot up their asses. This is absolutely ridiculous.
I didn't put that hole in the ceiling, they did and they never fixed it.
Just so you all know, this is La Mirada.
La Mirada apartments is full of bullshit and if you ever see someone who works there or the building itself, I encourage you to show as much disrespect as you feel you can morally give to someone or something so terrible.
Anyway, to the topic of this thread, One Million and One Things To Think About...
It shows that I have a lot of stresses going on right now. Stresses with the woman, Stresses with the job, and stresses with my own goddamn apartment building (not to mention that I need to get my car checked out, the engine keeps turning off and I don't have any money for to fix it), that all lead up to these problems that I have to think about. I think about it, and maybe I am using the internet to escape my problems. I have a lot of fucking problems.
Sure I don't have it as bad as the next guy, there's always someone better than you/worse than you. But Damn it this is my blog, this is my place to bitch and whine.
I've finally come around to realize the right thing to do, and now I have to suffer and pay like never before. That's irony for ya.
Not to say that I don't deserve it, it's just that some of it, I wish could have waited until later. I just have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan for me and that every tip I get is a blessing. Well, I really don't know how to end this so here's the publish post.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Talks
Since my last post, we've fought again. I took sometime for a walk outside, to smoke a cigarillo and call a friend.
I talked to my friend, and she told me some interesting stuff. She told me that she didn't think that I did anything wrong. Just that there was a lack of communication last night.
anyway, after we talked, I came back inside and we both apologized for being overzealous.
But during my talks with my friend, I found out some more interesting stuff, that I have yet to bring up. But I will discuss it with her later, as she has her sister and her sisters boyfriend over now. They're playing Mario Party 8 as I type this.
Anyway, I do feel sorry for being overzealous but I really need to discuss these other things with her.
She told me she loves me, and I told her I love her.
I talked to my friend, and she told me some interesting stuff. She told me that she didn't think that I did anything wrong. Just that there was a lack of communication last night.
anyway, after we talked, I came back inside and we both apologized for being overzealous.
But during my talks with my friend, I found out some more interesting stuff, that I have yet to bring up. But I will discuss it with her later, as she has her sister and her sisters boyfriend over now. They're playing Mario Party 8 as I type this.
Anyway, I do feel sorry for being overzealous but I really need to discuss these other things with her.
She told me she loves me, and I told her I love her.
Drunken Whores
Good Afternoon party people,
On my way to the car, I called one last time. I received no answer. So I got in, and started driving out. She called me just as I pulled out of the driveway, so I picked up, she told me she was fine and I went back inside.
We talked, she told me that she felt like I was being a controlling insecure bastard. I don't think I'm being unfair about this, I wanted the address before I had to try to talk to a drunk person and get it, so I text messaged her. When I got nervous I called and I didn't get a response. Finally after my second call I got a response and I went back inside.
Anyway, she says that I'm wrong for doing the things that I did. I think she's wrong for not telling me A.) That she was waiting for another person to start the party, who didn't show up until 12.
B.) That she was fine in the first place. C.) She shouldn't have insinuated that I was the false party for calling when I felt nervous like she said I should.
Today, she told me that the next time she goes out, she's not going to tell me where it is, who it's with, and she's not taking her cell phone. I told her that I don't have a problem anymore.
I don't. I am no longer with her.
We're broken up.
On my way to the car, I called one last time. I received no answer. So I got in, and started driving out. She called me just as I pulled out of the driveway, so I picked up, she told me she was fine and I went back inside.
We talked, she told me that she felt like I was being a controlling insecure bastard. I don't think I'm being unfair about this, I wanted the address before I had to try to talk to a drunk person and get it, so I text messaged her. When I got nervous I called and I didn't get a response. Finally after my second call I got a response and I went back inside.
Anyway, she says that I'm wrong for doing the things that I did. I think she's wrong for not telling me A.) That she was waiting for another person to start the party, who didn't show up until 12.
B.) That she was fine in the first place. C.) She shouldn't have insinuated that I was the false party for calling when I felt nervous like she said I should.
Today, she told me that the next time she goes out, she's not going to tell me where it is, who it's with, and she's not taking her cell phone. I told her that I don't have a problem anymore.
I don't. I am no longer with her.
We're broken up.
What The Hell?
Okay, so today, was a fairly good day, despite Melissa calling in sick. I went to bookmans, traded in some crap I didn't want and got 18 bucks in return, pretty good, huh?
Went to Shogun Express and Hollywood video, ate some chicken teriyaki, and rented Mario Party 8. Mario party, of course, sucks.
But not so bad, because it was a free rental. (the lady who rented it to me, had a funny little story about a person who returned the game, frustrated that it only worked on a Wii console and not an Xbox 360).
Anyway, Melissa had apparently made some plans to see some friends. I'm cool with that, she can see her friends. I asked her, if she could be home by midnight, seeing as she was able to go sooner than she originally planned (because she called into work sick). She said sure.
Anyway, she told me that I could call at anytime if I got nervous, and I was cool with that too. Anyway, when she got there, I text messaged her, what the address was where she'd be at, just incase I needed to pick her up. She gave it to me, I haven't checked it, because I trust her.
Anyway, she's out and I'm at home watching the kids.
I asked her if she'd be home by 12 like she said, and she said that she didn't know. I asked her if there was a time I could expect her home by, or if I should just go to sleep. She said that I should probably just go to sleep.
Anyway, I called at about 1:10am to check and see if she was alright, this is being a good 3 hours into her party time with her friends. No response.
It's about 1:40am as I type this, and I'm a little worried. I'm going to call again, and if I don't get an answer, I'm going to drive down there.
Well, anyway, she has bought alcohol for these kids (underage) and I am very worried. This is a big test on me right now. I have a very large urge to look at pornography, or masturbate. To help my mental state.
Now normally, this isn't something to be worried about, but given my situation it's very, very tough. Because I don't want to do that. I also want to be a trusting boyfriend, but I don't want to be a flat-out idiot.
Anyway, I thought I'd blog about this, because it'd help me get through it, but I'm just more nervous. So I'm going to finish this up, and go. See you!
Went to Shogun Express and Hollywood video, ate some chicken teriyaki, and rented Mario Party 8. Mario party, of course, sucks.
But not so bad, because it was a free rental. (the lady who rented it to me, had a funny little story about a person who returned the game, frustrated that it only worked on a Wii console and not an Xbox 360).
Anyway, Melissa had apparently made some plans to see some friends. I'm cool with that, she can see her friends. I asked her, if she could be home by midnight, seeing as she was able to go sooner than she originally planned (because she called into work sick). She said sure.
Anyway, she told me that I could call at anytime if I got nervous, and I was cool with that too. Anyway, when she got there, I text messaged her, what the address was where she'd be at, just incase I needed to pick her up. She gave it to me, I haven't checked it, because I trust her.
Anyway, she's out and I'm at home watching the kids.
I asked her if she'd be home by 12 like she said, and she said that she didn't know. I asked her if there was a time I could expect her home by, or if I should just go to sleep. She said that I should probably just go to sleep.
Anyway, I called at about 1:10am to check and see if she was alright, this is being a good 3 hours into her party time with her friends. No response.
It's about 1:40am as I type this, and I'm a little worried. I'm going to call again, and if I don't get an answer, I'm going to drive down there.
Well, anyway, she has bought alcohol for these kids (underage) and I am very worried. This is a big test on me right now. I have a very large urge to look at pornography, or masturbate. To help my mental state.
Now normally, this isn't something to be worried about, but given my situation it's very, very tough. Because I don't want to do that. I also want to be a trusting boyfriend, but I don't want to be a flat-out idiot.
Anyway, I thought I'd blog about this, because it'd help me get through it, but I'm just more nervous. So I'm going to finish this up, and go. See you!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Non-Inflammatory Note On Gun Control
For some reason, my mind keeps going over this particular topic.
Automatic weapons were outlawed for the reasoning that a hunter does not need that much firepower and that the majority of people who would use said weapon would use it against police force. Now I do admit that this is a very serious subject, and that criminals should not have access to automatic weapons to use against our police force.
But I think about why we have the right to bear arms in the first place, it's for people to defend themselves incase of a revolt or incase of an invasion. I admit that there are many fine rifles and handguns available to the public, but in the situation between perhaps an M16 versus a .45 Ruger or a 30.06, I'm afraid that the M16 would surpass both weapons considerably well.
So if there were to be a revolution against the U.S. Government, it would be squashed, quite easily because of the armed soldiers being equipped with said M16. However the only reason there would be a revolt against the U.S. Government is if perhaps there was someone doing something unconstitutional without a check or a kind of balance against it. But the reason for the revolution would have better be a very good one.
In this situation, I think it'd be much better for the public to have access to automatic weapons. Granted that there would likely to be branches of the military that would have difficulty keeping their own troops in-line giving that it would be a very good reason for revolt, but it does seem quite unfair.
I feel that automatic weapons should be available to the public, but with extreme guards in place to keep people who might use them for crime to get them.
Automatic weapons were outlawed for the reasoning that a hunter does not need that much firepower and that the majority of people who would use said weapon would use it against police force. Now I do admit that this is a very serious subject, and that criminals should not have access to automatic weapons to use against our police force.
But I think about why we have the right to bear arms in the first place, it's for people to defend themselves incase of a revolt or incase of an invasion. I admit that there are many fine rifles and handguns available to the public, but in the situation between perhaps an M16 versus a .45 Ruger or a 30.06, I'm afraid that the M16 would surpass both weapons considerably well.
So if there were to be a revolution against the U.S. Government, it would be squashed, quite easily because of the armed soldiers being equipped with said M16. However the only reason there would be a revolt against the U.S. Government is if perhaps there was someone doing something unconstitutional without a check or a kind of balance against it. But the reason for the revolution would have better be a very good one.
In this situation, I think it'd be much better for the public to have access to automatic weapons. Granted that there would likely to be branches of the military that would have difficulty keeping their own troops in-line giving that it would be a very good reason for revolt, but it does seem quite unfair.
I feel that automatic weapons should be available to the public, but with extreme guards in place to keep people who might use them for crime to get them.
I've Moved Back
So I've finally moved back in to my apartment. Things are going great. I haven't looked at pornography in a long time. Not since April 27th-ish.
I've been reading my books, and I have come across a quote that I'd like to share with you.
"Real life is response to the best within us. To be alive only to appetite, pleasure, pride, money-making, and not to goodness and kindness, purity, and love, poetry, music, flowers, stars, God and eternal hopes, is to deprive oneself of the real joy of living."
they go on to cite some beliefs of those who affirm their own worth and send value to others.
* All persons, including self, are of infinite worth.
* Behavior, for the most part, is learned.
* Misbehavior is almost always a symptom of some other problem. (e.g., pornography is an escape from emotional frustration or lonliness)
*Behavior is almost invariable belief linked.
The main particular reason I am sharing these passages, is because I myself have been sending these messages to people online, in the myspace forums.
I have met a person who, my words have meant a great deal to. He is struggling with his own problems (Pornography, is not one of which), but these rules are general rules and do not deal only to pornography addicts. I believe that there are many people who live their lives day to day, acting only on how they've been treated instead of deciding their own actions.
Through the things that I've done, I've learned to decide what I will do when I am faced with a difficult situation. Instead of just letting my feelings rule the day.
I've also decided that this would be a great forum for me to post my own thoughts on other issues. But I will go off on those issues later.
anyway, since I've been home, things feel a lot different. I've been acting a lot different than I used to. I'd like to see myself as a different person now. But I know that I am the same old Ian, if I want to be. I just choose not to let my feelings control my life, like I used to.
The other night, Melissa tells me that she had been considering dating again before I moved back into my apartment. I would have considered it highly offensive. Despite that she has the right to do it, we've been hoping on getting back together. I used to spend 3-4 nights a week back here before I finally moved. So to me, it's felt like we only took some time apart to better ourselves, not to search for another. Anyway, she said that she isn't going to do it. But I know her, and I know she might think about it later going 'What if I hadn't gone back with Ian?'
I love her so much.
Anyway, I'm breaking her trust right now, because I told her I wouldn't go on the computer, but after reading my book, I really felt like I needed to make a blog entry before I went to bed.
Today I've received the most in tips that I've ever gotten. I got roughly about 80 bucks, but I spent about $16 on pizzas to bring home for my family. And 18 of that went to my paycheck because it was a credit/debit transaction.
I've decided that I'm going to ask her to ask me more invasive questions about my habits. I want her to ask me not just, 'Did you look at porn today?' but 'Did you think about looking? What caused that thought? When you felt like looking, what else was going on? Have you fantasized about sex?' and some more that I can't think of right now.
Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better now. I'm feeling more confident and stronger. I know that I'm going to kick this awful habit.
I've been reading my books, and I have come across a quote that I'd like to share with you.
"Real life is response to the best within us. To be alive only to appetite, pleasure, pride, money-making, and not to goodness and kindness, purity, and love, poetry, music, flowers, stars, God and eternal hopes, is to deprive oneself of the real joy of living."
they go on to cite some beliefs of those who affirm their own worth and send value to others.
* All persons, including self, are of infinite worth.
* Behavior, for the most part, is learned.
* Misbehavior is almost always a symptom of some other problem. (e.g., pornography is an escape from emotional frustration or lonliness)
*Behavior is almost invariable belief linked.
The main particular reason I am sharing these passages, is because I myself have been sending these messages to people online, in the myspace forums.
I have met a person who, my words have meant a great deal to. He is struggling with his own problems (Pornography, is not one of which), but these rules are general rules and do not deal only to pornography addicts. I believe that there are many people who live their lives day to day, acting only on how they've been treated instead of deciding their own actions.
Through the things that I've done, I've learned to decide what I will do when I am faced with a difficult situation. Instead of just letting my feelings rule the day.
I've also decided that this would be a great forum for me to post my own thoughts on other issues. But I will go off on those issues later.
anyway, since I've been home, things feel a lot different. I've been acting a lot different than I used to. I'd like to see myself as a different person now. But I know that I am the same old Ian, if I want to be. I just choose not to let my feelings control my life, like I used to.
The other night, Melissa tells me that she had been considering dating again before I moved back into my apartment. I would have considered it highly offensive. Despite that she has the right to do it, we've been hoping on getting back together. I used to spend 3-4 nights a week back here before I finally moved. So to me, it's felt like we only took some time apart to better ourselves, not to search for another. Anyway, she said that she isn't going to do it. But I know her, and I know she might think about it later going 'What if I hadn't gone back with Ian?'
I love her so much.
Anyway, I'm breaking her trust right now, because I told her I wouldn't go on the computer, but after reading my book, I really felt like I needed to make a blog entry before I went to bed.
Today I've received the most in tips that I've ever gotten. I got roughly about 80 bucks, but I spent about $16 on pizzas to bring home for my family. And 18 of that went to my paycheck because it was a credit/debit transaction.
I've decided that I'm going to ask her to ask me more invasive questions about my habits. I want her to ask me not just, 'Did you look at porn today?' but 'Did you think about looking? What caused that thought? When you felt like looking, what else was going on? Have you fantasized about sex?' and some more that I can't think of right now.
Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better now. I'm feeling more confident and stronger. I know that I'm going to kick this awful habit.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Update
Alright, so for the bank job, I was turned down at one location, but I still have a chance at another location. I'm going to give them a call tomorrow. Also tomorrow I have a job interview over the phone, with AMEX about a Fraud Analyst position.
It's second shift (from 4pm to 1:30 am) and it pays a base of $11.50 an hour. I'd just need to find another job I could work before I go to work there. It'd be kind of hard, but I'm willing to work it out.
It's been getting tough, the other day I got really close to looking at pornography. I was looking at some pictures of people doing cosplay and I realized that if I keep on going, I'm going to start looking at pornography. So I stopped.
I stopped.
Anyway, I've been spending just about every night over at my own apartment, which is kind of funny. I think I'm about to move all my stuff back into my apartment anyway, because I turned in the rent today (obviously, I didn't earn it) and on the receipt I was the main holder of the apartment.
But I really want to get another job before I go back.
Anyway, I can't think of anything else to post, so I'll end it here.
It's second shift (from 4pm to 1:30 am) and it pays a base of $11.50 an hour. I'd just need to find another job I could work before I go to work there. It'd be kind of hard, but I'm willing to work it out.
It's been getting tough, the other day I got really close to looking at pornography. I was looking at some pictures of people doing cosplay and I realized that if I keep on going, I'm going to start looking at pornography. So I stopped.
I stopped.
Anyway, I've been spending just about every night over at my own apartment, which is kind of funny. I think I'm about to move all my stuff back into my apartment anyway, because I turned in the rent today (obviously, I didn't earn it) and on the receipt I was the main holder of the apartment.
But I really want to get another job before I go back.
Anyway, I can't think of anything else to post, so I'll end it here.
Sunday, June 3, 2007
The Difference
The problem, about being addicted to pornography at a young age,
is determining the difference between a withdrawal symptom and feeling horny as a 20 year old should.
I'm interested in being sexually excited however I am conflicted with not wanting to look at porn. I think maybe I'm going to walk away from my computer and eat some chips or something. If I still have this urge later on, perhaps I'll satisfy it with non-pornographic sexual activities. Anyway, I have been feeling close to having a relapse recently. But I must not relent. I must stay firm in my beliefs and actions.
is determining the difference between a withdrawal symptom and feeling horny as a 20 year old should.
I'm interested in being sexually excited however I am conflicted with not wanting to look at porn. I think maybe I'm going to walk away from my computer and eat some chips or something. If I still have this urge later on, perhaps I'll satisfy it with non-pornographic sexual activities. Anyway, I have been feeling close to having a relapse recently. But I must not relent. I must stay firm in my beliefs and actions.
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