Sunday, September 30, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Feel Good
Today, I was on the phones for the first time.
I did really well, from what I've been told, I feel like I did well enough anyway.
They have a 'coach' (a tech 1 with rights) y-jack with you for the calls, to make sure you don't mess up, and if you do, they'll just click over and take control.
Fortunately, nobody had to do that.
Looking back at my last blog entry, it seems like I'm really obsessive over Melissa.
Maybe I am.
I talked to her on a break today, and it turns out that yeah, she was really pissed at me for going to her place and crying. Jesus, it's only been a couple of weeks.
Anyway, I feel like I am moving on, maybe I'm just tricking myself by acting that way, but I feel like I'm healing.
I've talked to some people and I'm starting to feel like I'm not up against a wall anymore.
Someone I met at work, split up with his ex a couple years ago, and they had a kid together. Reason being was that she found christ and no longer wanted to live with him... kind of a bullshit answer, but I can look at him, and I see that he is financially successful, he seems pretty cool, and he moved on with his life. His kid is now four years old.
Also, I talked to a girl, she's probably going to read this, but I had a really fun conversation with her, and that kind of made me realize too, that just because my plans didn't go over like I hoped, that I can still have fun with other people. It was pretty cool too, because I didn't mention my ex.
Or at least, not that I can remember, anyway.
Anyway, like always, you feel like maybe you need to censor yourself, when you know the people who're reading what you're saying, so I think maybe I'll do that for now.
Anyway, I had dinner with my mom at Qdobas... it's a mexican food place, it's not fast food, but it ain't slow either, nor is it cheap. Imagine if you would, if the mexicans at Tokyo Express made mexican food, and charged higher prices. That's what it reminded me of.
Anyway, after dinner I drove her home (all the way out to MESA!) and drove back to my dads.
Well, it's late for me, so I'm going to end this prematurely, good night and good luck!
I did really well, from what I've been told, I feel like I did well enough anyway.
They have a 'coach' (a tech 1 with rights) y-jack with you for the calls, to make sure you don't mess up, and if you do, they'll just click over and take control.
Fortunately, nobody had to do that.
Looking back at my last blog entry, it seems like I'm really obsessive over Melissa.
Maybe I am.
I talked to her on a break today, and it turns out that yeah, she was really pissed at me for going to her place and crying. Jesus, it's only been a couple of weeks.
Anyway, I feel like I am moving on, maybe I'm just tricking myself by acting that way, but I feel like I'm healing.
I've talked to some people and I'm starting to feel like I'm not up against a wall anymore.
Someone I met at work, split up with his ex a couple years ago, and they had a kid together. Reason being was that she found christ and no longer wanted to live with him... kind of a bullshit answer, but I can look at him, and I see that he is financially successful, he seems pretty cool, and he moved on with his life. His kid is now four years old.
Also, I talked to a girl, she's probably going to read this, but I had a really fun conversation with her, and that kind of made me realize too, that just because my plans didn't go over like I hoped, that I can still have fun with other people. It was pretty cool too, because I didn't mention my ex.
Or at least, not that I can remember, anyway.
Anyway, like always, you feel like maybe you need to censor yourself, when you know the people who're reading what you're saying, so I think maybe I'll do that for now.
Anyway, I had dinner with my mom at Qdobas... it's a mexican food place, it's not fast food, but it ain't slow either, nor is it cheap. Imagine if you would, if the mexicans at Tokyo Express made mexican food, and charged higher prices. That's what it reminded me of.
Anyway, after dinner I drove her home (all the way out to MESA!) and drove back to my dads.
Well, it's late for me, so I'm going to end this prematurely, good night and good luck!
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Counseling
Yes, I'm being Counseled by a Pastor.
It's not so bad, in fact it might just be what I needed.
I'm a little wary though.
I'm afraid he might be trying to entice me into religion with promises of bringing my love back to me.
When I put it like that, sure it sounds bad.
We were talking, and I told him that I didn't want to cling to a hope that Melissa might return to me, it would cause me too much pain.
He asked me, 'What is hope?'
To which, I replied 'A wish, a prayer.'
'Those are good, but did you ever consider that hope relies on some external force to somehow change things towards your favor. Unlike Faith, in which you have a goal and you work towards it.'
'So, you're implying if I have faith, I may once again have my family back?'
'Yes.'
I am at a weak point in my life, where my feelings and thoughts could possibly be swayed easier than I'd like. Because I'm aware of this, perhaps I'm stronger. He thinks joining the Navy would be a good idea.
As it would provide structure, and self discipline.
Things I would like very much to have, and it would guarantee my children have money and insurance. Very important things.
I am beginning to suspect perhaps Melissa is doing some things to intentionally get under my skin.
For years, whenever she dyed her hair, I suggested Red, because I thought it'd be sexy.
Sunday she died her hair red, because Brom thought it'd be sexy.
Today, she told me she was going to be treating brom to steaks, and she knows I love steaks.
I think maybe she's trying to get a reaction out of me. Even if she isn't, I'm certain she knows about these things.
I'm not going to give in to anger.
Today was Melissa's birthday. I called her to wish her happy birthday, and asked when I could see my boys again, she said Saturday. I also apologized for going to her house on Sunday, and sobbing.
she apparently is very upset with me for doing that. I don't understand why. She didn't care to talk about it then.
She apparently had Brom meet her parents.
I don't know what's going on, but from my point of view, it looks like again, she's either trying to get a rise out of me, or is trying to push memories of me away with this new guy.
It's not really my business to know what she did down to a T, but this is what she told me.
I don't remember asking what in detail.
I'd be lying to say I don't still love her a little, but I feel like I am getting over it. If you disagree, please tell me.
It's not so bad, in fact it might just be what I needed.
I'm a little wary though.
I'm afraid he might be trying to entice me into religion with promises of bringing my love back to me.
When I put it like that, sure it sounds bad.
We were talking, and I told him that I didn't want to cling to a hope that Melissa might return to me, it would cause me too much pain.
He asked me, 'What is hope?'
To which, I replied 'A wish, a prayer.'
'Those are good, but did you ever consider that hope relies on some external force to somehow change things towards your favor. Unlike Faith, in which you have a goal and you work towards it.'
'So, you're implying if I have faith, I may once again have my family back?'
'Yes.'
I am at a weak point in my life, where my feelings and thoughts could possibly be swayed easier than I'd like. Because I'm aware of this, perhaps I'm stronger. He thinks joining the Navy would be a good idea.
As it would provide structure, and self discipline.
Things I would like very much to have, and it would guarantee my children have money and insurance. Very important things.
I am beginning to suspect perhaps Melissa is doing some things to intentionally get under my skin.
For years, whenever she dyed her hair, I suggested Red, because I thought it'd be sexy.
Sunday she died her hair red, because Brom thought it'd be sexy.
Today, she told me she was going to be treating brom to steaks, and she knows I love steaks.
I think maybe she's trying to get a reaction out of me. Even if she isn't, I'm certain she knows about these things.
I'm not going to give in to anger.
Today was Melissa's birthday. I called her to wish her happy birthday, and asked when I could see my boys again, she said Saturday. I also apologized for going to her house on Sunday, and sobbing.
she apparently is very upset with me for doing that. I don't understand why. She didn't care to talk about it then.
She apparently had Brom meet her parents.
I don't know what's going on, but from my point of view, it looks like again, she's either trying to get a rise out of me, or is trying to push memories of me away with this new guy.
It's not really my business to know what she did down to a T, but this is what she told me.
I don't remember asking what in detail.
I'd be lying to say I don't still love her a little, but I feel like I am getting over it. If you disagree, please tell me.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Love
'it can't possibly work.'
'I don't love you.'
'I committed myself to you for three years.'
I always said, that love is more than a feeling.
It is a commitment to another person.
She doesn't want to 'work it out.'
I've decided to join the navy.
I have a lot of things to do to get there.
I cannot have the life that I wanted, as a family man.
'Well what about meeting someone else, and starting with them?'
I cannot love now.
She doesn't exist any longer, to me.
I do not intend on seeing my kids again.
Why work your ass off to see your children so little?
When I come home from work, I want them to rush to me, to hold me.
I don't want to come home to an empty house.
I want to see my children every day.
I cannot.
I feel like my life isn't worth living if I can't have it the way I want it.
One life, one love.
Love is the answer, love a higher ground.
I have no time for love.
I cannot be the father to my children.
I am free now. Free to do what I want to do. As long as it isn't a life with her.
My Grandfather was in the Navy, and he was stationed in Japan.
My Father was in the Marines, and he was stationed in Japan.
My Grandfather had children with a woman and it didn't work out.
My Father had children with a woman and it didn't work out.
My Grandfather was a first born child and he had two boys.
My Father was a first born child and he had two boys.
I was a first born child and I had two boys.
I can always change my mind.
'I don't love you.'
'I committed myself to you for three years.'
I always said, that love is more than a feeling.
It is a commitment to another person.
She doesn't want to 'work it out.'
I've decided to join the navy.
I have a lot of things to do to get there.
I cannot have the life that I wanted, as a family man.
'Well what about meeting someone else, and starting with them?'
I cannot love now.
She doesn't exist any longer, to me.
I do not intend on seeing my kids again.
Why work your ass off to see your children so little?
When I come home from work, I want them to rush to me, to hold me.
I don't want to come home to an empty house.
I want to see my children every day.
I cannot.
I feel like my life isn't worth living if I can't have it the way I want it.
One life, one love.
Love is the answer, love a higher ground.
I have no time for love.
I cannot be the father to my children.
I am free now. Free to do what I want to do. As long as it isn't a life with her.
My Grandfather was in the Navy, and he was stationed in Japan.
My Father was in the Marines, and he was stationed in Japan.
My Grandfather had children with a woman and it didn't work out.
My Father had children with a woman and it didn't work out.
My Grandfather was a first born child and he had two boys.
My Father was a first born child and he had two boys.
I was a first born child and I had two boys.
I can always change my mind.
My Life
Without my children, my love, or my goals, I hardly see the point to living. Perhaps it's my own fault one of the bricks on the foundation of my life fell free.
Go Home and Be A Family Man
Melissa,
Not only do I love you, but my life with you and our boys! I want to wake up every morning and see all your smiling faces.
But the hurtin' is on me now. Not only are you gone, but so is my life with my boys, and my current financial future.
All this for why? I am the best I've ever been, with the exception of being crazy, in love with you.
You don't love me and so my life is gone.
Now I am a slave to the state, to pay child support and see my children once every two weeks.
I'd rather be dead.
It is bad enough that I had to work 5 days a week, to come home to an empty house and wait for them to come home, and to bed.
Only to see them on weekends.
Only to see you on your days off.
5 for 2 is not worth it.
I want to live with our family every second of every minute of every hour of every day of our lives.
I don't care about hobbies or anything else. I just want us to be a family again.
I miss you, I miss our boys.
I may be able to do the best in my life, but I'm at the lowest point.
I cannot be just your friend. I love you too much. It would hurt me too much to see you and someone else happy. I could not move on. I would not be happy unless you and I are together.
I would see you with someone else, and it would piss me off.
'Why couldn't you be happy that I'm happy with someone else?'
I could, but not if I'm in love with you, I need you to be with me. I would cry every night.
'Why would my happiness piss you off?'
Because you're not happy with me.
'Why are you this way?'
Because this is the craziness that is love. Knowing that I love you and you could never love me back is murder to me. It is so important. So very, very important.
Screaming at the window. Watch me die, another day.
Hopeless situation, endless price I have to pay.
Sanity, now it's beyond me. I will always love you. There's no choice.
Diary, of a madman. Walk the line, again today.
Entries of confusion. Dear diary, I'm here to stay.
Sanity, now it's beyond me. I will always love you. No matter long I stay, I will always love you. No matter words I say, I will always love you, there's no choice.
And now we're all on our own again.
You make me feel like I'm whole again.
Voices in the darkness, scream away my mental health.
Can I ask a question? To help me save me, from myself.
Sanity now it's beyond me, I will always love you. There's no choice.
or is it... ?
Screaming, at the window. Watch me die, another day.
Hopeless, situation. Endless price, I have to pay.
Sanity now it's beyond me, there's no choice.
Diary, of a madman. Walk the line again today. Entries of confusion.
Dear Diary, I'm here to stay.
Manic depression befriends me, hear his voice.
Sanity now it's beyond me, there's no choice!
A sickened mind a spirit. the mirror tells me lies.
Could I mistake myself for someone who lived behind my eyes?
Will he escape my soul, or will he live in me?
Is he trying to get out, or trying to enter me?
Voices in the darkness, scream away my mental health. Can I ask a question? To help me save me, from myself.
Enemies fill up the pages, are they me?
Monday 'till Sunday in stages, Set me free..
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am home again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am whole again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am young again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am fun again.
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again.
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
I'm alone, sitting with my broken glass.
My four walls follow me through my past.
I was on a paris train, i emerged in london rain
and you were waiting there swimming through apologies.
Sorry.
I remember searching for the perfect words. I was hoping you might change your mind. I remember a soldier standing next to me. Riding on the metro.
I feel like half a life isn't a life worth living.
To see my children once every two weeks.
to pay tons of money, to see them half the time.
When I would gladly live with and love their mother.
There is no greater hell I have suffered.
Love me or kill me. My plan was to be a family man.
Not only do I love you, but my life with you and our boys! I want to wake up every morning and see all your smiling faces.
But the hurtin' is on me now. Not only are you gone, but so is my life with my boys, and my current financial future.
All this for why? I am the best I've ever been, with the exception of being crazy, in love with you.
You don't love me and so my life is gone.
Now I am a slave to the state, to pay child support and see my children once every two weeks.
I'd rather be dead.
It is bad enough that I had to work 5 days a week, to come home to an empty house and wait for them to come home, and to bed.
Only to see them on weekends.
Only to see you on your days off.
5 for 2 is not worth it.
I want to live with our family every second of every minute of every hour of every day of our lives.
I don't care about hobbies or anything else. I just want us to be a family again.
I miss you, I miss our boys.
I may be able to do the best in my life, but I'm at the lowest point.
I cannot be just your friend. I love you too much. It would hurt me too much to see you and someone else happy. I could not move on. I would not be happy unless you and I are together.
I would see you with someone else, and it would piss me off.
'Why couldn't you be happy that I'm happy with someone else?'
I could, but not if I'm in love with you, I need you to be with me. I would cry every night.
'Why would my happiness piss you off?'
Because you're not happy with me.
'Why are you this way?'
Because this is the craziness that is love. Knowing that I love you and you could never love me back is murder to me. It is so important. So very, very important.
Screaming at the window. Watch me die, another day.
Hopeless situation, endless price I have to pay.
Sanity, now it's beyond me. I will always love you. There's no choice.
Diary, of a madman. Walk the line, again today.
Entries of confusion. Dear diary, I'm here to stay.
Sanity, now it's beyond me. I will always love you. No matter long I stay, I will always love you. No matter words I say, I will always love you, there's no choice.
And now we're all on our own again.
You make me feel like I'm whole again.
Voices in the darkness, scream away my mental health.
Can I ask a question? To help me save me, from myself.
Sanity now it's beyond me, I will always love you. There's no choice.
or is it... ?
Screaming, at the window. Watch me die, another day.
Hopeless, situation. Endless price, I have to pay.
Sanity now it's beyond me, there's no choice.
Diary, of a madman. Walk the line again today. Entries of confusion.
Dear Diary, I'm here to stay.
Manic depression befriends me, hear his voice.
Sanity now it's beyond me, there's no choice!
A sickened mind a spirit. the mirror tells me lies.
Could I mistake myself for someone who lived behind my eyes?
Will he escape my soul, or will he live in me?
Is he trying to get out, or trying to enter me?
Voices in the darkness, scream away my mental health. Can I ask a question? To help me save me, from myself.
Enemies fill up the pages, are they me?
Monday 'till Sunday in stages, Set me free..
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am home again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am whole again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am young again.
Whenever I'm alone with you.
You make me feel like I am fun again.
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am free again.
Whenever I'm alone with you
You make me feel like I am clean again.
However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you
I'm alone, sitting with my broken glass.
My four walls follow me through my past.
I was on a paris train, i emerged in london rain
and you were waiting there swimming through apologies.
Sorry.
I remember searching for the perfect words. I was hoping you might change your mind. I remember a soldier standing next to me. Riding on the metro.
I was smiling as you took my handBut I suppose now I should return to the letter.
Saw the moon we spoke in France
You were passed as shallow words
It isn't passed there's still a hurt
You were passed as shallow words
Years have passed there's still a hurt
I can see it now, smiling as you pulled away
Sorry..
I remember the letter wrinkled in my hand
"I’ll love you always" filled my eyes
I remember the night we walked along the Seine
Riding on the metro
I remember a feeling coming over me
The soldier turned and walked away
Fuck you, for loving me!
When you were here before.
I couldn't look you in the eyes.
You're just like an angel. You skin makes me cry.
You float like a feather, in a beautiful world.
I wish I was special. You're so fucking special.
But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo.
What the fuck am I doing here? I don't belong here.
I don't care if it hurts. I want to have control. I want a perfect body.
I want a perfect soul.
I want you to notice, when I'm dead.
You're so fucking special. I wish I were special.
But I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here,
when I don't belong here.
No.
She's running back again.
She's run, run, run, running.
Running.
Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want.
You're so fucking special. I wish I was special.
I'm a creep.
I'm a weirdo.
What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here.
No.
These eyes, cry every night for you.
These arms, long to hold you again.
The hurtin's on me yeah. I will never be free now.
You made a promise to me, yeah. You broke it.
These eyes, watched you bring my world to an end.
This heart, could not accept and pretend.
The hurtin's on me yeah. I will never be free no.
You took the vow with me yeah, you spoke it.
These eyes, are crying
These eyes have seen a lot of love,
but they're never gonna see another one like I had with you
I feel like half a life isn't a life worth living.
To see my children once every two weeks.
to pay tons of money, to see them half the time.
When I would gladly live with and love their mother.
There is no greater hell I have suffered.
Love me or kill me. My plan was to be a family man.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Feelin' Good
Yesterday,
I went to the SCA fight night at Encanto. It was my first time.
I saw Melissa's boyfriend (i think, it could've been another huge blonde blob).
But I didn't do anything.
After I left appx. 8:11 pm
I wasn't going to call Melissa, or talk to her, or anything.
I started feeling lonely so I drove by her work. I wasn't sure if I'd go in.
My old boss was outside, so I was boned.
Anyway, I went inside, we hugged.
She told me she wants a long term relationship with brom.
That hurt.
I crushed a waterbottle against a wall, and damaged my thumb.
Later that evening, I felt like a weight had been lifted.
Today I feel good. Like I can move on now.
I went to the SCA fight night at Encanto. It was my first time.
I saw Melissa's boyfriend (i think, it could've been another huge blonde blob).
But I didn't do anything.
After I left appx. 8:11 pm
I wasn't going to call Melissa, or talk to her, or anything.
I started feeling lonely so I drove by her work. I wasn't sure if I'd go in.
My old boss was outside, so I was boned.
Anyway, I went inside, we hugged.
She told me she wants a long term relationship with brom.
That hurt.
I crushed a waterbottle against a wall, and damaged my thumb.
Later that evening, I felt like a weight had been lifted.
Today I feel good. Like I can move on now.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
3 Years Ago, Today
Three years ago today, marks the start of my relationship with Melissa.
I remember our first date. We saw the movie 'Hero' starring Jet Li, and ate at Eatza Pizza because we were both without jobs.
How much things have changed in three years.
I hurt, I do.
She hurts too.
I'm going to try to watch some funny movies. Try to get my mind off of it.
I miss them so...
I remember our first date. We saw the movie 'Hero' starring Jet Li, and ate at Eatza Pizza because we were both without jobs.
How much things have changed in three years.
I hurt, I do.
She hurts too.
I'm going to try to watch some funny movies. Try to get my mind off of it.
I miss them so...
As Of Today
I'm living at my dads house.
Melissa and I are going to work on setting up child support and visitation.
She sent nude pictures of herself to her boyfriend while I was living there.
I am heart broken.
I saw her yesterday, and talked to her last night. She's hurting.
She says she cares for me but doesn't love me. I don't think she knows her feelings 100%
She cried the last two times I talked to her.
She's really close with Brom.
Can I expect her to stick through it? No.
Would I like her to? Yes.
I still love her. But I can't do that, say that, think that, anymore.
I have to heal.
If there will be a relationship in the future, it will have to be after we've both healed. Maybe even moved on.
In order for our friendship to work, we have to forgive each other.
Gabriel has a staff infection. I love my boys so much, and I miss them. I wish I could spend every waking second with them.
Last Sunday, I saw a pastor who was willing to counsel me, unfortunately he has yet to contact me with availability for today. I don't mind if today isn't good I just want to be kept in the loop.
I went hunting for some single women online, not to date, I'm not ready for that yet. But just to meet them, make some friends. Maybe some LTR later.
I can't stand this. I want to be in control of the situation. I want to stop the pain.
Nothing but time, and this is a bad time.
Melissa and I are going to work on setting up child support and visitation.
She sent nude pictures of herself to her boyfriend while I was living there.
I am heart broken.
I saw her yesterday, and talked to her last night. She's hurting.
She says she cares for me but doesn't love me. I don't think she knows her feelings 100%
She cried the last two times I talked to her.
She's really close with Brom.
Can I expect her to stick through it? No.
Would I like her to? Yes.
I still love her. But I can't do that, say that, think that, anymore.
I have to heal.
If there will be a relationship in the future, it will have to be after we've both healed. Maybe even moved on.
In order for our friendship to work, we have to forgive each other.
Gabriel has a staff infection. I love my boys so much, and I miss them. I wish I could spend every waking second with them.
Last Sunday, I saw a pastor who was willing to counsel me, unfortunately he has yet to contact me with availability for today. I don't mind if today isn't good I just want to be kept in the loop.
I went hunting for some single women online, not to date, I'm not ready for that yet. But just to meet them, make some friends. Maybe some LTR later.
I can't stand this. I want to be in control of the situation. I want to stop the pain.
Nothing but time, and this is a bad time.
Sunday, September 9, 2007
I moved out
After taking my children to day care, I came home and snooped through Melissa's phone.
She has sent nude pictures of herself to Brom.
I moved out immediately, and told the apartment management that I'm breaking the lease.
I feel for the most part, disrespected. It's fine if she wants to date other people, that's her thing. But when we're still living together, and she knows how I feel, to do that kind of thing, it's just beyond offensive to me.
So much for someone who has morals and an intellectual brain, it seems she's only in it for sex. And this guy Brom doesn't appear to be a catch on any level.
She just wants to go out and have fun and forget about her motherly duties.
I'm very concerned for our children, she's been ignoring them a lot lately. I don't think she's a bad mom, I just think she needs to re-prioritize for the kids.
She told me that she wants me to be their father and doesn't want anyone else to be considered as such. And I told her, that she's going to meet some one that she loves and she will want the children to be a part of their life (I may do the same), and that they are likely to see that person as their father instead perhaps, because they may see him more. If she really felt this way, she should have thought about that before doing those things.
Anyway, I've had the lovely pleasure of being able to discuss at length this whole issue with a friend of mine. She's been really supportive and I really feel good about myself.
I'm fortunate to not have to suffer this.
Now I can just focus on the kids.
I'm considering joining the Navy....
She has sent nude pictures of herself to Brom.
I moved out immediately, and told the apartment management that I'm breaking the lease.
I feel for the most part, disrespected. It's fine if she wants to date other people, that's her thing. But when we're still living together, and she knows how I feel, to do that kind of thing, it's just beyond offensive to me.
So much for someone who has morals and an intellectual brain, it seems she's only in it for sex. And this guy Brom doesn't appear to be a catch on any level.
She just wants to go out and have fun and forget about her motherly duties.
I'm very concerned for our children, she's been ignoring them a lot lately. I don't think she's a bad mom, I just think she needs to re-prioritize for the kids.
She told me that she wants me to be their father and doesn't want anyone else to be considered as such. And I told her, that she's going to meet some one that she loves and she will want the children to be a part of their life (I may do the same), and that they are likely to see that person as their father instead perhaps, because they may see him more. If she really felt this way, she should have thought about that before doing those things.
Anyway, I've had the lovely pleasure of being able to discuss at length this whole issue with a friend of mine. She's been really supportive and I really feel good about myself.
I'm fortunate to not have to suffer this.
Now I can just focus on the kids.
I'm considering joining the Navy....
Friday, September 7, 2007
Transpired Events
Wednesday, September 5th, 2007
Melissa sent me a text message, telling me she had a migraine.
She also told me, that our children, Gabriel and Xachary had broken a very thick drinking glass.
Xachary received two cuts on his left arm.
Gabriel had taken the toilet brush, and a bottle of shampoo and started to clean the toilet with it, when Xachary started to interfere, Gabriel proceeded to soak Xachary in the toilet water.
Upon arriving at home, I discovered the boys, locked in their room, spraying each other with a bottle of fantastik oxy. They were both soaked.
Friday, September 07th, 2007
I awoke around 8:00 am, and discovered that my boys, too were awake. I proceeded to wake Melissa and I requested her help in cleaning the boys, they had leaked through their diapers.
At 8:25 am I proceeded to leave for work, Melissa had decided to continue sleeping and let the boys roll around on the floor of the bedroom until 10:00 am.
This day, was different from others, in that Melissa had to be to work at a much earlier time, our normal baby sitter would not be able to watch them until 3:00pm. We had decided previously that a mutual friend, Monica, would watch the boys until 3:00 pm when Melissa would pick them up and take them to the sitter.
At approximately 1:15 pm, I called Monica and she told me that Xachary was covered in blue ink that would not wash out. There were blue marks on his face and his hands were completely covered in blue ink.
She also explained to me, that Gabriel’s rash is very severe and we need to take him to a doctor. Unfortunately I do not have the capability to take him to the doctor during the week days, I have requested Melissa take him a number of times, but it still hasn’t been done.
Earlier that Morning, Melissa had told me she’d be going to bed at 1:45 am, but to my knowledge she did not go to sleep until at least past 2:00 am.
In my observation, Melissa feels it’s more important to spend all hours of the night talking to guys on AOL Instant Messenger than it is to wake up early and take care of our children.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Results
Turns out the party she went to was sponsored by some sex toy store.
She told me, the night we had sex, she made love to me.
But she's still torn about all the things I've done wrong and all the good things I've done.
Anyway, I told her that from my point of view it looks like she is really interested in Brom because she's talking to him for long periods (she came home at four in the morning and didn't get off the phone with him until I asked her if we could talk sometime soon, this was over an hour).
She tells me, that yeah, she is really interested in finding another person to love.
She's going to tell Brom tomorrow (she didn't set a time with him like she said she was going to), that she's not ready to actually start dating and that they need to 'cool it.'
Every now and then, I get the feeling of 'you know what? forget the whole thing.'
I get the feeling of taking a box cutter, removing the blade and slicing my skin, why?
Not because I find solace in cutting, but because I hear other people do, and I might like to try it.
Because I need solace.
She is very upset with me, that whenever she talks to Brom we have to have this big long discussion, because I feel insecure.
Well I think it's important to talk about my feelings, I never say she's doing something bad, or wrong, I just kind of feel that if she's not so interested in him, like she says, then why does she feel the need to talk to him for hours on end into the late night?
If she wants to break up with me that's fine, if she wants to stay with me, that's great too, but telling me she's not interested and talking for great long hours like that, is kind of a tease.
Some parts of me feel, that at this point she just wants to tease me, to string me a long.
This is getting ridiculous and I can't stand it.
I'm tired.
I do regret the pain I've put her through, but I don't regret the relationship, if those things hadn't have happened I wouldn't have been able to work on my problems.
I'm a young kid, I'm 20.
She's telling me that I have been very irresponsible. I have been.
But at the same time, I also have to say that anyone else in my shoes, at 17 would have run.
Would have said 'Lol, no kids, bye.'
I stuck through it, and I did the best I could do. It wasn't much, and I was selfish, but being a kid like I was, it couldn't be helped.
Maybe I'm a bastard for thinking that.
But I never said 'God, I wish I didn't have these kids!'
You know, I have thought about what it'd be like if I didn't, but I've never damned them.
I love them.
Anyway, this isn't about that.
After we talked (during the writing of this blog) she came to me, to tell me that we shouldn't talk when we're both tired, because we get frustrated and angry.
I got very frustrated (previously) because she kept interrupting me. I didn't raise my voice at her or hit her, or throw anything, I didn't do anything violent.
I just kind of hopped a bit, but I was furious.
I guess she wanted to make up, nobody apologized for anything though.
That's what it's like being torn, I suppose.
I want to talk to her more, about her motivation to relax on dating a little bit.
If she still wants to date other people (and not just Brom) then I think I'm going to really start dating other people too.
Not because I want to be with other people, but because I think maybe, just maybe it'll help me get over Melissa.
sometimes it feels like to me, that she just wants to get under my skin, probably not true, but it's how it feels.
I mean, c'mon who's not going to feel jealous when the person they love is on the phone with someone who they are trying to start a foundation for a relationship with, for extended periods of time, in the same place you live in.
She woke me up and didn't even say 'lol, I'm sorry.'
I have another confession to make, I've looked at porn again, recently.
Not because I was depressed, because I was genuinely horny and I didn't want to think about Melissa.
Because thinking about Melissa would mean thinking about all the pain I'm currently going through.
But I didn't binge. I didn't do it for hours at a time (like I used to) and I am not going to do it for days at a time either. I feel like I am really in control this time.
I don't like pornography though. It depicts women in a horrible light. It shouldn't even be 'O.K. sometimes...' But honestly who can't say that they've felt horny one time or another and ignoring it would actually solve the problem? I find myself getting rather angry and frustrated if I don't get a release.
So I have a moral dilemma.
I feel like there's more I need to get out, but I can't at this point put anything else down.
She told me, the night we had sex, she made love to me.
But she's still torn about all the things I've done wrong and all the good things I've done.
Anyway, I told her that from my point of view it looks like she is really interested in Brom because she's talking to him for long periods (she came home at four in the morning and didn't get off the phone with him until I asked her if we could talk sometime soon, this was over an hour).
She tells me, that yeah, she is really interested in finding another person to love.
She's going to tell Brom tomorrow (she didn't set a time with him like she said she was going to), that she's not ready to actually start dating and that they need to 'cool it.'
Every now and then, I get the feeling of 'you know what? forget the whole thing.'
I get the feeling of taking a box cutter, removing the blade and slicing my skin, why?
Not because I find solace in cutting, but because I hear other people do, and I might like to try it.
Because I need solace.
She is very upset with me, that whenever she talks to Brom we have to have this big long discussion, because I feel insecure.
Well I think it's important to talk about my feelings, I never say she's doing something bad, or wrong, I just kind of feel that if she's not so interested in him, like she says, then why does she feel the need to talk to him for hours on end into the late night?
If she wants to break up with me that's fine, if she wants to stay with me, that's great too, but telling me she's not interested and talking for great long hours like that, is kind of a tease.
Some parts of me feel, that at this point she just wants to tease me, to string me a long.
This is getting ridiculous and I can't stand it.
I'm tired.
I do regret the pain I've put her through, but I don't regret the relationship, if those things hadn't have happened I wouldn't have been able to work on my problems.
I'm a young kid, I'm 20.
She's telling me that I have been very irresponsible. I have been.
But at the same time, I also have to say that anyone else in my shoes, at 17 would have run.
Would have said 'Lol, no kids, bye.'
I stuck through it, and I did the best I could do. It wasn't much, and I was selfish, but being a kid like I was, it couldn't be helped.
Maybe I'm a bastard for thinking that.
But I never said 'God, I wish I didn't have these kids!'
You know, I have thought about what it'd be like if I didn't, but I've never damned them.
I love them.
Anyway, this isn't about that.
After we talked (during the writing of this blog) she came to me, to tell me that we shouldn't talk when we're both tired, because we get frustrated and angry.
I got very frustrated (previously) because she kept interrupting me. I didn't raise my voice at her or hit her, or throw anything, I didn't do anything violent.
I just kind of hopped a bit, but I was furious.
I guess she wanted to make up, nobody apologized for anything though.
That's what it's like being torn, I suppose.
I want to talk to her more, about her motivation to relax on dating a little bit.
If she still wants to date other people (and not just Brom) then I think I'm going to really start dating other people too.
Not because I want to be with other people, but because I think maybe, just maybe it'll help me get over Melissa.
sometimes it feels like to me, that she just wants to get under my skin, probably not true, but it's how it feels.
I mean, c'mon who's not going to feel jealous when the person they love is on the phone with someone who they are trying to start a foundation for a relationship with, for extended periods of time, in the same place you live in.
She woke me up and didn't even say 'lol, I'm sorry.'
I have another confession to make, I've looked at porn again, recently.
Not because I was depressed, because I was genuinely horny and I didn't want to think about Melissa.
Because thinking about Melissa would mean thinking about all the pain I'm currently going through.
But I didn't binge. I didn't do it for hours at a time (like I used to) and I am not going to do it for days at a time either. I feel like I am really in control this time.
I don't like pornography though. It depicts women in a horrible light. It shouldn't even be 'O.K. sometimes...' But honestly who can't say that they've felt horny one time or another and ignoring it would actually solve the problem? I find myself getting rather angry and frustrated if I don't get a release.
So I have a moral dilemma.
I feel like there's more I need to get out, but I can't at this point put anything else down.
Deceit
Good Morning Blog,
and what a horrible morning it is.
This week has kind of been building up, to some kind of strange.
I talked to Melissa, and I finally convinced her (I forget how) that dating right now isn't the best thing. So she's neither with me, or dating. Or, so I thought.
And things were perking up a little bit, as we had sex the other night.
Anyway, Saturday she was supposed to go out with her friends to Goodyear (another city in Arizona), to party. She told me that it was just too far out and she was thinking she'd probably cancel.
She also told me that this weekend (Thursday-Saturday) she'd drop off the boys and pick them up.
These are things that did not happen on Saturday.
She decided to sleep in, after I told her time after time, that the sitter wants the kids early on Saturday.
So she finally dropped them off at noon (she wrote 11:00 am, on the wrong side of the sheet with the sitter), and we went furniture shopping at the many goodwills in phoenix. We didn't see anything we liked, but during the trip she got a phone call from one of her girlfriends.
Asking her if she was going to come at 4:00 in the afternoon, and then come back to phoenix, Sunday morning.
She said 'lol, y sure!'
But, she had to pick up the kids at 6:00 from the sitters.
Anyway, she shrugged off her responsibility on me. Sure I told her I would do it, but if she wasn't going to do it, who the hell would?
Anyway, she left, I got the kids, the night was pretty uneventful. She sent me some pictures of the party.
I don't know what kind of party it was, as of yet she hasn't spoken to me about it (she's home now even).
Anyway, I finally was asleep at like 11:00ish.
Come about 4 o'clock in the morning (not too long ago now) I hear some talking and what not in the living room, so I get up and I shout out, 'Melissa?'
Pretty stupid, actually seeing as I don't know who it is.
Anyway, yeah it was her, and it turns out she was on the phone with Brom (the guy she went on a date with earlier, who she doesn't know if she likes yet, and apparently has to talk to a ton).
She's actually still on the phone with him.
She told me she was going to finalize plans with him for later today (assuming she's still going to stop going out with him) and then take a shower.
This was some 45 minutes ago she told me this.
Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that she's been lying to me all along, and she is trying to string me along like some little puppy dog.
I'm sick of it, so I'm going to distance myself from her, and I think in order to do that, I need to go and date some people.
She's going to ask me 'Do you want to try to make this work?'
I'm going to tell her 'No, I don't want to. I lied to you, and hurt you, and ruined your self-esteem. You never forgave me, not that you have to, but to be around someone who is still holding a grudge after I've done so much to change myself, after I've come clean and honest about who I am and who I want to be, you still feel the need to get even with me. I'm sorry but I can't have a relationship with someone like that. Maybe it is my own fault, but at this point there's nothing I can do about it. Revenge is no basis for a relationship.'
She obviously likes Brom more than she is telling me, she obviously is just using me now.
It is over, she doesn't want me, she wants to hurt me.
Anyway, more updates after I talk to her, of course.
and what a horrible morning it is.
This week has kind of been building up, to some kind of strange.
I talked to Melissa, and I finally convinced her (I forget how) that dating right now isn't the best thing. So she's neither with me, or dating. Or, so I thought.
And things were perking up a little bit, as we had sex the other night.
Anyway, Saturday she was supposed to go out with her friends to Goodyear (another city in Arizona), to party. She told me that it was just too far out and she was thinking she'd probably cancel.
She also told me that this weekend (Thursday-Saturday) she'd drop off the boys and pick them up.
These are things that did not happen on Saturday.
She decided to sleep in, after I told her time after time, that the sitter wants the kids early on Saturday.
So she finally dropped them off at noon (she wrote 11:00 am, on the wrong side of the sheet with the sitter), and we went furniture shopping at the many goodwills in phoenix. We didn't see anything we liked, but during the trip she got a phone call from one of her girlfriends.
Asking her if she was going to come at 4:00 in the afternoon, and then come back to phoenix, Sunday morning.
She said 'lol, y sure!'
But, she had to pick up the kids at 6:00 from the sitters.
Anyway, she shrugged off her responsibility on me. Sure I told her I would do it, but if she wasn't going to do it, who the hell would?
Anyway, she left, I got the kids, the night was pretty uneventful. She sent me some pictures of the party.
I don't know what kind of party it was, as of yet she hasn't spoken to me about it (she's home now even).
Anyway, I finally was asleep at like 11:00ish.
Come about 4 o'clock in the morning (not too long ago now) I hear some talking and what not in the living room, so I get up and I shout out, 'Melissa?'
Pretty stupid, actually seeing as I don't know who it is.
Anyway, yeah it was her, and it turns out she was on the phone with Brom (the guy she went on a date with earlier, who she doesn't know if she likes yet, and apparently has to talk to a ton).
She's actually still on the phone with him.
She told me she was going to finalize plans with him for later today (assuming she's still going to stop going out with him) and then take a shower.
This was some 45 minutes ago she told me this.
Anyway, I've come to the conclusion that she's been lying to me all along, and she is trying to string me along like some little puppy dog.
I'm sick of it, so I'm going to distance myself from her, and I think in order to do that, I need to go and date some people.
She's going to ask me 'Do you want to try to make this work?'
I'm going to tell her 'No, I don't want to. I lied to you, and hurt you, and ruined your self-esteem. You never forgave me, not that you have to, but to be around someone who is still holding a grudge after I've done so much to change myself, after I've come clean and honest about who I am and who I want to be, you still feel the need to get even with me. I'm sorry but I can't have a relationship with someone like that. Maybe it is my own fault, but at this point there's nothing I can do about it. Revenge is no basis for a relationship.'
She obviously likes Brom more than she is telling me, she obviously is just using me now.
It is over, she doesn't want me, she wants to hurt me.
Anyway, more updates after I talk to her, of course.
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