Friday, August 31, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
A Re-evaluation
When I was younger, I was obsessed with degradation of the flesh, both morally and physically.
Zombies and Porno.
Risking both the loss of life and the creation of it.
Melissa does not love me.
Melissa tells me her friends think I'm cool, but apparently not.
It feels like I've wasted so much time. So much of my life already gone.
I have created life with another human being, twice.
Yet I have killed none.
Pornography is a stupid way out, so is suicide and murder.
The feelings we get when we're pushed to the edge.
Life, death, love, hate, apathy, joy...
All of these are things people must experience.
When it hurts, I feel like I need to make someone or something else feel as sorry as I am.
Whether it be my body, my mind, my spirit, some one or something else. I feel like I must destroy.
I would kill myself before anyone else.
Every one must journey. Must feel out the many paths of life and decide which is the right path for them.
I stand to have potentially the best job I've had in my life so far, and yet my relationship is in shambles.
This is what happens when you let kids play grown-up. What happens when you fail to teach your kids the right path.
When ignorance rears it's ugly head.
I'd rather die than go on living.
But with so many things to look forward to, how can I possibly do such a stupid thing?
This is depression. This is insanity.
I've tried hard, but am I not to blame?
It is my responsibility, and I've let so many down.
Do I deserve to live?
Zombies and Porno.
Risking both the loss of life and the creation of it.
Melissa does not love me.
Melissa tells me her friends think I'm cool, but apparently not.
It feels like I've wasted so much time. So much of my life already gone.
I have created life with another human being, twice.
Yet I have killed none.
Pornography is a stupid way out, so is suicide and murder.
The feelings we get when we're pushed to the edge.
Life, death, love, hate, apathy, joy...
All of these are things people must experience.
When it hurts, I feel like I need to make someone or something else feel as sorry as I am.
Whether it be my body, my mind, my spirit, some one or something else. I feel like I must destroy.
I would kill myself before anyone else.
Every one must journey. Must feel out the many paths of life and decide which is the right path for them.
I stand to have potentially the best job I've had in my life so far, and yet my relationship is in shambles.
This is what happens when you let kids play grown-up. What happens when you fail to teach your kids the right path.
When ignorance rears it's ugly head.
I'd rather die than go on living.
But with so many things to look forward to, how can I possibly do such a stupid thing?
This is depression. This is insanity.
I've tried hard, but am I not to blame?
It is my responsibility, and I've let so many down.
Do I deserve to live?
Thursday, August 23, 2007
BIG UPDATE
I have a big update.
Let's start off in the main category, specifically related to my pornography addiction.
I have slipped.
Fortunately I have been able to surpass this slippage.
Surely, this is not enough information, so I shall go into detail.
I've been depressed as of late, for many reasons. My job, my relationships, my car, bills, traffic citations, broken phones...
It's been piling up, and there's no one to blame but myself.
When the depression starts, that feeling gets very strong. It's a chemical reaction. There was an example given in a book I read.
They had set up these electronic responders to the pleasure centers of these monkeys brains, and when these monkey's pressed the button they received pleasure unimaginable. These monkeys held the button down until they died.
Perhaps that isn't that great of an example after all.
Anyway, you slip because you're depressed, which makes you even more depressed.
It's a vicious cycle that's very hard to break.
Anyway, more on the reasons why I'm depressed.
I left my job at Epic Commerce,
Apparently a previous employee had taken their last check and wrote a different amount on it. Normally a check cashing place would go 'lol, this is your hand writing.' but at Epic Commerce you receive handwritten checks.
So anyway, my paycheck from that week ended up bouncing (I didn't find out until nearly two weeks later, thanks Wellsfargo). And that Friday, 5 minutes before it was time to pick up our checks, they decided to tell us that the funds simply aren't available and we have that particular employee to thank.
What had happened was, they found out either on Tuesday or Wednesday that this particular employee had done this. Normally when Banks realize 'lol, fraud.' they freeze the account immediately. Now if the account wasn't actually frozen until Friday, my check wouldn't have bounced as these companies need to have a certain amount in the bank for the account to even be considered open. And they would have been able to tell us that we wouldn't be able to get our checks on Friday, on Wednesday or Thursday (I was going to buy a new phone right after work!).
So it's clear that they not only lied to, but withheld information from it's employees.
Because the check bounced, my bank decided to take $70 dollars of my money.
They said that the check bounced on Friday (why does it take a whole week to deposit a check?), and for every withdrawal after that I received an overdraft charge.
If the check truly had been bounced on Friday, then why on Saturday did they allow me to withdraw $20 from a teller in-store. I found out on Sunday that there was actually no money in the account, and it wouldn't let me purchase anything because of it.
If the check had bounced on Friday (a week later than the deposit date), then I would not be able to have made those charges/withdrawals with my card because it would simply not allow it.
The bank on the other hand, either could not or would not, tell me coherently what the issue actually was. They did however refund half of the initial $138, meaning they basically stole $70 dollars from me. I banked with Wellsfargo for 8 years and I never had anything this disgusting happen to me, ever. Apparently Wellsfargo doesn't appreciate long-time account holders.
Needless to say, I quit my job and switched banks. That week that I quit my job, I found what could possibly be my dream job. I will be paid $13/hr to tell people to powercycle their modems (lol, unplug it, now wait 15 seconds).
My car, as you may know has been in need of repair for some time, unfortunately throughout my two months of work at Epic Commerce, I was not able to save enough money to take it into the shop. I've fallen behind on my car insurance payments and my insurance has expired.
On my way to my job interview for the aforementioned job, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. He didn't give me a ticket, because I was driving rather well, but he did cite me for having expired insurance.
The weekend of my son's birthday, my youngest decided to dip my cell phone in the toilet. I can no longer charge it. Fortunately during my time at Epic Commerce, somebody found a broken Razr V3m. I can't get T-mobile to put service on it (no simcard slot), so I use it to charge the battery. The V3m only has broken LCD screens (it's fine otherwise).
So yesterday I upgraded my phone service for another 2 years and ordered a Samsung t659 (I think that's the model number, it's a sliding camera phone) for free.
I'm falling behind on my Cable bill, my phone bill, and I still have to pay rent. I have to do most of this before september 10th and I don't start work until september 4th.
My relationship with Melissa is suffering.
She told me that whenever she thinks of me in a romantic light, she can only see the times that I've hurt her, instead of done any thing good for her.
She told me that she wants to date other people to see if that's what she really wants.
I don't like it at all, I don't want to seem like she can just do that and come back to me. My feelings towards her are deteriorating.
I want to say 'How can she do this?'
But who am I to say this, after the horrible things that I've done. I should consider myself lucky that she even is still considering being with me.
Still, as every red blooded American, I am feeling jealous when someone else is courting my woman.
But I am being respectful, I love her so I can only let her do what she wants.
Let's start off in the main category, specifically related to my pornography addiction.
I have slipped.
Fortunately I have been able to surpass this slippage.
Surely, this is not enough information, so I shall go into detail.
I've been depressed as of late, for many reasons. My job, my relationships, my car, bills, traffic citations, broken phones...
It's been piling up, and there's no one to blame but myself.
When the depression starts, that feeling gets very strong. It's a chemical reaction. There was an example given in a book I read.
They had set up these electronic responders to the pleasure centers of these monkeys brains, and when these monkey's pressed the button they received pleasure unimaginable. These monkeys held the button down until they died.
Perhaps that isn't that great of an example after all.
Anyway, you slip because you're depressed, which makes you even more depressed.
It's a vicious cycle that's very hard to break.
Anyway, more on the reasons why I'm depressed.
I left my job at Epic Commerce,
Apparently a previous employee had taken their last check and wrote a different amount on it. Normally a check cashing place would go 'lol, this is your hand writing.' but at Epic Commerce you receive handwritten checks.
So anyway, my paycheck from that week ended up bouncing (I didn't find out until nearly two weeks later, thanks Wellsfargo). And that Friday, 5 minutes before it was time to pick up our checks, they decided to tell us that the funds simply aren't available and we have that particular employee to thank.
What had happened was, they found out either on Tuesday or Wednesday that this particular employee had done this. Normally when Banks realize 'lol, fraud.' they freeze the account immediately. Now if the account wasn't actually frozen until Friday, my check wouldn't have bounced as these companies need to have a certain amount in the bank for the account to even be considered open. And they would have been able to tell us that we wouldn't be able to get our checks on Friday, on Wednesday or Thursday (I was going to buy a new phone right after work!).
So it's clear that they not only lied to, but withheld information from it's employees.
Because the check bounced, my bank decided to take $70 dollars of my money.
They said that the check bounced on Friday (why does it take a whole week to deposit a check?), and for every withdrawal after that I received an overdraft charge.
If the check truly had been bounced on Friday, then why on Saturday did they allow me to withdraw $20 from a teller in-store. I found out on Sunday that there was actually no money in the account, and it wouldn't let me purchase anything because of it.
If the check had bounced on Friday (a week later than the deposit date), then I would not be able to have made those charges/withdrawals with my card because it would simply not allow it.
The bank on the other hand, either could not or would not, tell me coherently what the issue actually was. They did however refund half of the initial $138, meaning they basically stole $70 dollars from me. I banked with Wellsfargo for 8 years and I never had anything this disgusting happen to me, ever. Apparently Wellsfargo doesn't appreciate long-time account holders.
Needless to say, I quit my job and switched banks. That week that I quit my job, I found what could possibly be my dream job. I will be paid $13/hr to tell people to powercycle their modems (lol, unplug it, now wait 15 seconds).
My car, as you may know has been in need of repair for some time, unfortunately throughout my two months of work at Epic Commerce, I was not able to save enough money to take it into the shop. I've fallen behind on my car insurance payments and my insurance has expired.
On my way to my job interview for the aforementioned job, I was pulled over by a police officer for speeding. He didn't give me a ticket, because I was driving rather well, but he did cite me for having expired insurance.
The weekend of my son's birthday, my youngest decided to dip my cell phone in the toilet. I can no longer charge it. Fortunately during my time at Epic Commerce, somebody found a broken Razr V3m. I can't get T-mobile to put service on it (no simcard slot), so I use it to charge the battery. The V3m only has broken LCD screens (it's fine otherwise).
So yesterday I upgraded my phone service for another 2 years and ordered a Samsung t659 (I think that's the model number, it's a sliding camera phone) for free.
I'm falling behind on my Cable bill, my phone bill, and I still have to pay rent. I have to do most of this before september 10th and I don't start work until september 4th.
My relationship with Melissa is suffering.
She told me that whenever she thinks of me in a romantic light, she can only see the times that I've hurt her, instead of done any thing good for her.
She told me that she wants to date other people to see if that's what she really wants.
I don't like it at all, I don't want to seem like she can just do that and come back to me. My feelings towards her are deteriorating.
I want to say 'How can she do this?'
But who am I to say this, after the horrible things that I've done. I should consider myself lucky that she even is still considering being with me.
Still, as every red blooded American, I am feeling jealous when someone else is courting my woman.
But I am being respectful, I love her so I can only let her do what she wants.
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