OK so

this post is going to act as two things: to give a summary as of events thus far and to discuss why I got where I am at now.

So, last Friday 08/07/09, I went to the First Friday event in Phoenix, to see my old band play.

I had a pretty good time too, I sang along, met some people, helped out, got "hired" back on as a writer.

I'm really looking forward to writing some more songs, and I have some ideas set aside right now that I want to develop.

Anyway, I get home at about 11:30, and I find Melissa there making out with some guy.

I was devastated, Melissa, with some dude, in my own house, so close after breaking up.
She says we never discussed that, but I CLEARLY remember us saying that was uncool.

And she goes "It's my house too."

No, no it's not, because you're moving out. This is my house - I will still be here when you are gone.

Anyway, I don't know if I was just stupid or being sentimental, but we slept together and I had a beer and a smoke, and then I went to bed.

I don't talk with her much now. Don't really want to. I don't even really like being around her.

I suppose I can't be blamed for it.

So anyway, She's working hard to try to buy a new car, and the dealerships want her to have a co-signer, I just told her good luck with that. I'm NOT going to let her have any more sway over me than she already has.

I am NOT paying for her car either. Now if we were together, it would be a different story, I'd be glad to help out, but as it is, I am not going to co-sign anything. If she wants to drive to the dealerships, go ahead, take the car, if she wants to get information about cars, sure thing, but when it comes to money, my money is mine and I have to watch out for myself, because she doesn't have my back. I have to be my own hero, because nobody is going to save me.


So today, I was outside smoking, and I was thinking about how she has said that she wanted romance, and how I'm not very good at it. When I think about it, we never really were romantic, we didn't have a song, we didn't really date so much. It was mostly ever physical.
Is it that I'm not romantic? I don't think so, I think it's just that I'm not inspired.
One thing that makes it kind of difficult though, is through living together, we're sort of sharing the same life. So it makes it difficult to communicate, because what has been going on in my life, is the same for her, and we literally have nothing to talk about other than really uninteresting boring stuff.

Especially when neither of us has much of a life outside our kids.

I really hope that in the future I'm able to avoid this strange sameness, this shared being. I mean, you have to go and do stuff, and when I got kicked out of my band I couldn't do anything like that, I couldn't feel like going out or talking to anybody.

Now that I have done that a little bit, it feels good, and I'm definitely going to do it again.

god damn it

ok so
I'm single again.

it's sort of a long story, but it starts with my band getting their first gig, I spent a lot of time practicing and trying to get better, and my stats at my job started to wane.

then after the gig, the band kicked me out.
why did they do that? because I don't know how to play bass, and they knew that, but still it hurt me anyway, because they knew that I liked hanging out and that I wanted to help write songs still.

So it felt like I had lost my friends.

then, when driving in Mesa to drop the kids off at the sitter, which I was completely and wholly against taking the kids to Mesa, and it wasn't even my turn to drive, I got a speeding ticket, oh well that's on me, I am the one who sped.

So anyway, turns out my license was not valid for the past 2 years. Yup, no license what so ever. So anyway, I go ahead and get that taken care of, and now I do have a license, but I'm going to have to pay $300 in fines to the Mesa courts.

GOD DAMN IT.

So anyway, I finally get a little money and I decide that I need a new phone, I buy a new phone, and guess what happens?
My xbox 360 dies, that's right, it's the dreaded red ring of death, mother fucker, go DIAF.

So, I may have told you a while back, may not have, that Melissa smashed a beer over my xbox 360 in an argument, so I mention to her, I say "hey, they may not take my xbox 360 back because of the beer on it. I may take up this friends offer to buy his." and she freaks out and says she's breaking up with me.

Why is she breaking up with me? Because I've been depressed due to all the things going on in my life. All sorts of shitty things like I've outlined here, through out all of it my work performance continues to suffer and I just feel like a complete piece of shit.

What the fuck?! am I right?

So anyway, going on past the break up, lately I've been having issues with my computer at work which have been really frustrating, it's really hard to get any work done when your computer is royally fucked. they even replaced it, and the new one didn't work, they did some work on it then, and it still didn't work.
I'm just getting beat on, and beat on, and beat on.

So I asked my buddy if he would send me his replacement xbox, and he is just going to let me borrow it, and usps shows it as being collected but I didn't receive a notice that it was dropped off or anything. It's fucking terrible, I think someone stole my friends xbox before I could even see it.

Anyway, now I suspect that Melissa has found someone new to love, her myspace says she's feeling amorous and she wrote this wonderful love poem about meeting a person she hasn't met for years.

I'm struggling to live, to make it through the day, I can't stand this, all I need it some love, and I can't get that any where, not from anyone.

I am alone, I am forgotten.

All I can do is sit here in my pain, I can't discuss it with anyone because no body cares to discuss it. I just want to die, I don't want to live any longer, I can't stand it! All this over bearing pain, it's a goddamn killer.